Sun to Sand

Boredom.

I was scouring the personals on gay.com today. I came across this 18 year old who had a caption that started, "I'm tired of all the..." and then went on to list what he perceived to be "immoral" things. I was thinking that if he's tired of all that at 18 then he's got a long life ahead of him. but I was the same way now that I think of it. I didn't tolerate the things I had never tried and knew nothing about and I would often say, "I don't need to know about it to know it's not for me."

That's a statement that comes from foolish self-confidence that disguises that there is a fear of unknown things. It's a fear so completely covered that the person doesn't think of it as fear, won't admit to it and simply clings to the arrogance of their moral ground being right for them. Who can argue that?

There is this path I started down 11 years ago. In my mind I started walking with a vision of what I wanted. I thought I knew myself, but I was a frightened child protecting myself at all costs. No one knew that because I wouldn't show it. There's a tranquility about having all this behind me. In a way, it always felt that I was running away. The destination wasn't as important as the distance. Now, it doesn't feel like there's anything to run away from and it's been so long that I'm not sure of where I'm supposed to be going.

When I was in Seattle, I felt a very strong sense of belonging. I think that sense is something that I've always had because of Grandma June and the legacy with Grandma Jean and Marthalee. Grandpa and Delores are still living in Washington as well. I took a drive along PCH this afternoon. California is my home. Staring at the waves crashing, feeling the sun on my face through the sun roof; I enjoy the moments of solitude where I'm not lonely.

Bee

The coughing girl on the plane shared her strep throat with me, or so I found out yesterday in the emergency room. I'd been doing the increased fluid intake and over the counter pain medication for the past few days, but sore throat pain finally got so bad I was tasting blood and decided to have Cardwell drive me to the Kaiser E.R.

Interesting people to watch there. I can't think of anyone else that I would have so much fun with in the E.R. Cardwell and I have a certain cynical but funny wavelength that we coast on. There was a woman there with a bright pink shift on with the clothing logo "guess" across her chest. Conveniently, the shirt was tight enough to be showcasing her obviously implanted rack. There was no guessing about it, definitely fake.

I called mom this morning. Hadn't talked to her in about two weeks since I started the Zoloft. I can feel a definite calm about me. It's a good thing, but the sexual side effects have got to find some middle ground for me. If I was actually sexually involved with anyone I'm sure they'd be ever so happy about the longevity, but I'd die of heat exhaustion before ever finishing. The conversation was a quick catch-up to find out that Philip is joining the Air Force Reserves and that Byron is still enjoying The River. I learned that the true stories of family details are never what children believe.

So now... here at Cardwell's. The time is 11:05am. I'm due to head out to the beach with my roommate. Rey & Eddy are passed out on the couch. Sleep it off boys. Randy is getting ready for a brunch he's going to and I'm waiting for a call back from Tyler. Everything is pretty orderly and timeless right now. I'm thinking of Marthalee. I'm wondering if Dominic is feeling any better. I have a desire to roll, but I'm aware of the probability that it will not be felt the same way and so I think I'm just feeling more content with being instead.

And so I be...

Windows

Often times I don't look people in the eyes when I'm speaking to them. I used to think that it was because I revealed too much about myself, but I actually think it's because I start to see too much in them. My mind races with so many thoughts as it is that I can't always be bombarded by the thoughts that I see from them.

But I do focus intently on someone's eyes when we're alone--intimately--and our faces are but a breath apart. I like seeing what's there and feeling what the silence says.

Are you outta your blogging mind?

So I'm here in West Seattle. I've been here since Friday and there is a small chapter to write about the experiences that Nathan and I have been having....

All I can say for tonight is... Kellan reminded me about memories of car sex. Rey reminded me why I'm here on Earth, Eddy reminded me why I need to be cautious, Marthalee reminded me that family is a good thing, Tyler reminded me that I've been missing someone in my life for too long now, Nathan reminded me of how we used to be and how things can be.

The Sweetest Things

...are often the little unexpected things. Tyler left flowers and a CD the windshield of my car. I remember doing stuff like that; driving completely out of my way just to deliver a note. He came over and we spent some ice-cream time together before I had to go to work.

My body is still adjusting to the Zoloft started last Friday. One week and I'm remember all the wonderful side effects...but nothing so terrible that I can't SLEEP through it. :-) In fact, I've wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep so much this past week.

In less than 12 hours Nathan and I will be our old Twilight Zone selves and I can't wait for that to start. "Yippee!!" I scream inside. :-) I just need to be away from this place right now.

The People In The Know

Countdown to my vacation in Seattle. I'm so looking forward to spending some time away in a land of my early childhood and with a friend from my early adulthood. There it is...that gruesome word: adulthood.

Over the weekend I got to touch death and relationships. Tyler expressed his desire to take our dating to another level, but I'm not comfortable with that. I'm still getting to know him as a person and though there is much I like about him, there is more unknown than known. My feeling is that the time I know that is necessary to get to know someone is an eternity at eighteen. I also know that I'm not eighteen and conversations are making that more apparent.

Cardwell asked me if my reluctance with Tyler had anything to do with me still holding out on relationships from not wanting to get hurt. It's a valid question, but that's not what I feel here. I truly just want to feel like someone's friend before I dive into what I had before. Repeating myself here would just be plain, "ignunt!"

Cardwell also sent me an e-mail here at work not too long ago bringing me up to date on the drunk status of Eddy & Rey. I responded quite simply with, "I'm over it." ((And I am)) Billy's death on Sunday was a clear sign of caution. It's a moment in time to take pause and count the things that are important in life and take stock of what it is that makes us beautiful and what can kill us--immediately or slowly over time. I cannot watch them continue to throw their lives to chance. I can only sit this one out, along the sideline of my own chances. Riverside coroner's file# 2004-2367.

In people's faces I see the lights that never dim; I see the shadows that will never leave.

Billy

Experiencing death is like shedding another layer of innocence. There are few other experiences that force us to grow and change.

I met him once, but through his friends I will remember him forever.

Ass Ess

I'm reassessing my values. The last time I did this I was living in Anaheim. I remember sprawling out in the living room floor of the apartment and writing things out. There were nine at the time. I added them to my website. I've got five major ones now. One that wasn't there before but is now is "health."

Ahh... the passage of time.

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Quashing Quagmire

At the core is always going to be what was forged in pain and hurt and no matter how much I have learned to hide that or to cope and absorb instinct and translate it into something civil, there is no way to keep this hidden 100% of the time.

It's been bothering me--my actions Sunday Night. There are many things about other people that I know and keep private because they've asked me to, or because I know without words that it should be private. Exposing Eddy's voice mail to a room full of people didn't really fall in either of those categories now that I think about it. We're talking about a person who talks about each conquest in open rooms like nothing. In his own social circles, he's known for his ability to "make the rounds."

One part of me thinks, it was simply funny. It was a small party. I was laughing, I got Rey to laugh and so might others. Part of me thinks that I did it out of a sense of teaching a lesson... but what lesson? Part of me thinks that there is a built up anger inside of me in watching the whining but seeing the blueprint from which all woes spring. Part of me says that I must remember to accept my friends for who they are and not the potential that I see inside of them to be. This is a mistake that I have follied in the past with my relationships and to a lesser degree with friendships. It's the part of me that cares about people so much that I want them to bloom and not fall into their own gloom. Part of me thinks that I was jealous and that a childish streak lashed out. Part of me thinks that I have been keeping a lid on myself too long and he was just the random person who got hit when the lid burst open for a moment.

Is there more? Of course... my head is never empty and these pages are never full.

Age is relative?

18 - Joe, Tyler
19 - Rey
20 - Dominic
21 - Eddy, Javier
--------------------------
25 - Bobby
--------------------------
28 - Arturo
29 - *ME*, Cardwell
30 - Mark
31 - Nathan
34 - Joseph

No Colors

I woke up thinking about last night. I woke up thinking about the story of the frog and the scorpion. If we are the way we are and that cannot be undone, then there's no point in trying to change because we'll always find ourselves back at square one. I believe that we are what we are, but we always have a choice in the decisions or actions we take. This is what makes life interesting, worth living and ultimately why we fall down and get back up again.

What are my leopard spots like? Where do my zebra stripes point to?

Pastels in White

Eddy is trying so hard to get me to go to the White Party next weekend. No matter how many times I tell him, "no" or explain my reasons for not wanting to go, he keeps asking. It's his fatal personality flaw--not knowing when to stop.

As it turns out, I'm not going to have next Saturday night off because the shift bid change isn't going to take effect until the end of April. Figures. But even if I did have the night off, I wasn't going to pay $100 to goto the White Party. It's like one big massive rave and we all know how I prefer smaller parties to larger ones. Or how I "preferred" them. When I attended the White Party in 2003 sober, I was reminded how much I wanted more than just another party. The groves of people were just ridiculous. People weren't even really dancing on the football-size dance floor, but rather, swaying back and forth; droning music of the after hours type...nothing like the trance that I am most attracted to. A good song here and there, but nothing sustaining. Even the year before when I went to the closing party in 2002 I remember the real fun being that I was with friends and still very much enamored with the whole party scene. Ali drove us that year and he was the sober one. He remarked on how "normal" I appeared in contrast to everyone else rolling their asses off. I told him that's just how I am.

I encourage Eddy to go and experience the festivities because you have to try something to know where you stand on it. (most of the time) It's an event that I think every curious gay male should try attending at least once. Even if you've been to circuit parties elsewhere, it's the Big Kahuna of them all here on the West Coast and it's one of those life markers when you're having a conversation and you can chime in with, "When I went to the White Party..."

He's gotten Rey to agree to go with him. That's such a strange friendship to watch on again and off again. I've always been so rigid with people when it comes to my friendships. There hasn't been a lot of "teeter-totter" antics with them. I remember when I found out that Dean had slept with Danny how easily I dropped him and never looked back. I think I've been that way consistently. With the things that the two of them have endured I wonder if it's true forgiveness or simply blind codependence that keeps everything alive. (or both)


3:00am
As I'm writing... Randy (mine) calls and I see the number on the screen of my phone and this debate starts on whether to answer or not. It's funny, because the phone number comes up on my screen and not his name because his contact information is no longer in my phone. I answer and can tell he has background noise. I really can't talk and we agree to talk later.

Random Night Access

LIFE LESSON: Even if you have someone's phone number stored in your cell phone, write it down in an address book, or online contact system.

LIFE LESSON(a): Don't use speed dials. Make yourself manually dial people's phone numbers so that you don't forget them.


Story idea: Psychologist makes money off of the stories that some of his patients tell during sessions of aliens, paranormal, etc. In the real world other "aliens" read the book and realize that the information is so specific that it has to be coming from others of their kind.

Worker Bees

If we allow companies to be free to send jobs overseas and do what they "legally" can do so that they turn a profit, we see the down side of this to people here in our country. We're founded on this "idea" of freedom, but freedom to me does not mean that it's acceptable to hurt our citizens so that a business can grow. A person's life and livelihood should not be excised from a company's bottom line.

I've read a couple of online articles from yahoo.com & cnn.com where we have a higher unemployment rate right now but also have more jobs available. Huh? Explain this one to me. Maybe it's as simple as trying to apply for a job internally at Verizon Wireless. So many of my colleagues apply for positions but either never hear back on it or months go by before anything is done. It seems that there should be a simple, HR industry standard on receiving a resume, logging it, responding to the applicant and then proceeding with setting up interviews and once a candidate is selected for notifying the others that the position is closed. Definitely some companies are better than others on this, but it's way too erratic.

I've long held the belief that our Capitalist mentality is going to be our undoing. On the one hand it fosters competition and innovation, but on the other it is a breeding ground for greed and corruption. We have had periods in our global history of "enlightenment" where ideas and people grew without the dog eat dog mentality of companies.

Alas, companies are made of people. People are the ones with the seeds of greed and corruption within them. We have all these jobs available, but as the population expands, fewer and fewer people have "specialized knowledge" and the haves vs. the have nots grows. In observing the people I've worked with in corporations over the last decade, it's obvious to me that the majority of people do their job to make money---not for the love or passion of it. It is a means to an end.

On that thought... I'll end this rant.

Come What May

I have been preoccupied with thoughts of Jeff, Guy & Guy's son.

My only April Fool's joke today has been to pretend that I wanted to move in with Eddy on May 1st. Jokes are better played in person. Mine was one the phone. In any case, I'm sure that I'm still the April Fool.

Tyler has been attending the last few movie nights. He's an awesome cuddle bunny. I still find myself wanting no more, no less in the arena of romance. I think that my head is still too tied up with things I do not quite understand; I go where my instincts lead.

For some reason I flashed in my head Bjork in the movie, DANCER IN THE DARK. The scene where she's at work at I kept sensing that something bad was about to happen in the movie. I remember seeing that with Andy over three years ago. I wonder how he is these days. He was full of such emotion. ((And to this day the only person that I maybe be accused of failing to "get a room' while on the dance floor.))

Plaxo.com is becoming a more regular used product by me. I've been slow to use it as I figure others will be too.

Sitting on the corner of my bed, I realize that I skipped March for reading a new book. I reach out and grab Bret Easton Ellis' AMERICAN PSYCHO and goto the first chapter. Immediately I get that strange spine tingle feeling. The chapter is titled: "April Fools"

growing

I'm in official "shag" phase with my hair. It's annoying, but necessary to get into the next phase. So, I guess you could say that my hair is in the puberty of it's existence currently.

I think I used that metaphor because I had the opportunity to speak at Saddleback High School today in front of different GSA's (Gay Straight Alliances) from around Orange County.