Can I find it?

Is it kindness if you're getting something out of it as well? Maybe it's a new thing called Synergistic Kindness. Maybe it is just kindness even if you get something out of it but it becomes something different when you "expect" something out of it. Huh?

What don't I write about? That has been the topic of interest from a couple different people lately. I don't talk about political thoughts a whole lot---they make me angry. I don't talk about how much sex pervades my thoughts. I don't talk about the idea of trying to find my bio-father. I don't talk about how much I still miss Randy sometimes. I don't talk about how beautiful the sky is most nights that I stare up into infinity and still dream like a boy. I don't often talk about how like a child I still feel most of the time. I don't talk about the evil, malicious things that flash in head as I try and control my bouts with anger.

So...I don't talk about a lot, and there's still a lot more that I don't talk about. I'd guess mostly stuff that I even hide from myself.

In reading "Salam Pax" I have reached February 2003. As I read through his January 2003, I thought of how petty my own loss during that time might be in comparison----but really, there isn't a comparison when the worlds are so different and all we share is a humanity.

Lighter notes: Ken and I had dinner at The Olive Garden on Monday. We walked so we could drink. Nice walk. Nice conversation. Movie night brought Ali & Andy. I hadn't seen Andy since my birthday night. Cutie.

Next week I am on a day schedule for training. I thought of renting a car but that's an expense of about $200 when I can take the bus for an expense of $10. Not a hard decision. On the bus note, I found a car that I really want, so I'm taking steps to get it. Keeping fingers crossed, but I'm also keeping the pragmatic person alive.