Bathing in Houses of Shadows

Somewhere beyond midnight...

Here I am again. Searching. Searching. But I'm finding that blending with the lost souls is easier than truly finding one's self.

A guy tried to make conversation with me while sitting in a silent room watching porn. Somewhere between the fuck scene and the orgy on the other screen he managed to squeak out, "Strange crowd tonight." from behind his wire-rimmed glasses.

"stranger than normal?" I say back without making eye contact. He gets up and leaves. Either my conversation is too erudite for his partying mind or my underlying "I'm not interested" came through in my tone. I'm talented that way. :-)

So I was tired of wandering. I got a room and now I'm writing. Part of me wants to get on the phone. Talk--though I'm not sure to whom or about what. I thought about being with Andy all day, but turns out something in the stars has me spending time with Nathan instead. I sensed a lot of hurt in his voice.
I sent Andy a text message that said, "The eyes of monsters tell us lies to make smiles for today, but the eyes of Angeles tell us truths to keep us smiling even in our darkest hours."

"Conversation Dude" decides to stand by the doorway and continue where we left off. I lie and say I don't party sensing that this is the right answer to make him leave sooner. I'm right.

I don't want my attraction to Andy to be based in that innate draw that I am not fully aware of. I really want to get to know him. I want to learn what makes him laugh. I want him to learn the same about me.

The SMB Strip didn't feel good to me. I flashed memories of the first time I went there on my 18th birthday. Alone. The same as this night. Not much has changed there in 11 years.

TIME LAPSE...

Nathan is well. It's now after 2am. My stomach is starting to grumble. The apple juice that I swallowed down an hour ago is either lining my stomach or has wet my appetite enough to want more food. I'm with the idea of more food.

What if I could interview these guys? What would I learn? I feel like I'm cramming for a test writing in this small room. A crucible.

Do they think I'm making a grocery list? Would they like me to add something for them? I'm staring at my eyes in the mirror and I think of that Michael Jackson song and the controversy going on right now and I wonder... I just wonder what it's all about. What is the truth? How can we ever know?

I told a few people that I'm writing a musical about gay men. How redundant or ironic... I'm not sure what is exactly more accurate.

THIS ROAD ALL MY OWN - song of ordinary gay explaining that normal is most of us.

AT NIGHT - a slut's song about the tiny redemptions...(maybe not the right word) tiny patches in time that make the daytime bearable.

7:27am As I left the strip, two young queens were approaching on the sidewalk from the opposite direction. They must have been discussing what they were wearing and with some dissatisfactions because one said, "Well at least we're not wearing OLD NAVY" as they passed me. (Referring to the OLD NAVY shirt I was wearing.) I laughed. What else was there to do? Just because I've been hanging out with Eddy doesn't mean that I have the mentality of being 21 again.

I'm hungry. Hurry Nathan.

7:43am Sometime around 3am Eddy calls me drunk and says he's at Chuck's but that Chuck doesn't answer his knocks. He wants to know why Chuck calls him. He wants the answers that we all search for with our past loves. We settle on memories and time to cast the broken hearts, but we always remember the pang of the break and the immobilizing pain that ensues. What he hasn't learned yet is that sometimes break-ups are necessary even when two people love each other. That's a very sad lesson.

7:50am Andy replies "angels are dead-everyone's a monster."

KMOTZART-- What monsters do I keep at bay outside of my body and which ones are tightly chained within? I cry when I think too much about the monsters that roam free because others' have allowed their personal gain to supersede their sense of community.