Alpha

The new year begins. I'm a little over 22 hours into it and so far... so good. Only 365 more days. (It's a leap year)

Last night was spent with Mark, Cardwell and Javier at Montage. It was a beautiful night. A good mixed (gay/straight) crowd. The "vibe" was right and we entered the year with smiles and laughter.

This last week since x-mas has created many clarities to me. I finally answered the question that I had been posing to myself and others over the past several months. "How many chances would Ghandi give someone to prove that they could be a good person?" The context of the question was in looking at people who constantly display their own selfishness, deceit, vindictiveness. Sometimes these things are stages of age and/or of circumstance and we look at people as "growing" out of it. Sometimes, it seems that these are things are rooted in one's character and that they are "bad" people. The answer came to me finally that you give someone as many chances as it takes. To me, you cannot be the change in the world if you believe that there is no hope and that things--and people--will not change.

I've resolved that as part of my own change I will not speak ill of Chuck. He has decided to remove himself from my life. (again) For a long time I have hoped for a change. I had to question many times whether it was a change in him that was 1) something he was capable of and 2) something that was right for him as opposed to just something that I would want for him. The clarity that his actions have brought me are that I know it was not just something that I would want and I am not so sure that he is capable any longer. I still hope. He will always be loved.

I haven't decided which book to start reading for this month. I think my Amazon.com order arrives tomorrow so I'll decide then. Reading "Cat's Cradle" and "Less Than Zero" last month has me feeling optimistic about completing a novel this year.

I thought about having sex all day today. This is natural following a glowing roll for me. At the moment when I could have, I opted to talk for about two hours. My sense about this person was that there was much more than just sex that I would like to know. We'll see.

The question was asked of me, "Why are you single?" It's a silly question to me. Ultimately, one chooses to be what they are, who they will be, what they can be.