Weekend Timeline

Monday morning. Back in training. A co-worker asked me where I went Friday night and I paused. Blur. The song that Ali introduced me to, "Am I On Pause?" comes to mind. After some re-tracing of thought I began to see the the weekend in chronological breaks.

FRIDAY
I left work and had plans with Mark to goto a club called Hotdog. I thought it was in Long Beach, but spoke with Ali and heard that it was in Los Angeles. Having been in LA Tues & Thurs, I wasn't in the mood to be there again. I had a message from Bobby letting me know he and the boys would be at The Boom. Sanctuary for the South Orange County lazy fags---I qualified. Arturo was online when I got home and checked my mail so I invited him down. I'm glad he came.

I took a disposable camera that I had started on Thursday Night at TigerHeat. I wanted pictures of us with Ali and I also wanted candid shots of them. We pose too much. The pose is never as real as the candid. We have learned to hate what we see in our candid moments because somehow we believe that the pretty & beautiful poses are what we want to be remembered by. Sometimes I do too. I think with this new blogger pro I can upload pictures. I will have to figure that out.

Arturo drove me home & stayed the night. There's a comfort with him that I don't have with many people. He will always be one of my first loves and can never deminish in my heart.

Another night of drinking. Did I stop counting? Is this the therapy I seek?


SATURDAY
I had my alarm set for 9:45am. I wanted to get up early and start a productive day that was to begin with going to The Center Orange County to get my HIV results. Arturo was a bit sluggish getting up so I showered and ate, spoke with my roommate, Art, and then Arturo awoke. I had "snacked" a breakfast, but they were hungry. We dropped off the disposable camera at 30min Photo and then had breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. A political discussion on homelessness, the "war" and other world concerns jumped across the plates of food. Arturo's running board president of one of his property associations. A fun moment was when Arturo was describing the current property manager and yelled "bitch" so that all the tables around us could hear. Volume. haha

The pictures turned out as I wanted. Cute and candid.

Next stop, the City of Orange library. The book I checked out on Billie Holiday was due February 26th. $7.20 later, I returned it in the same condition. They were happy that I actually returned it.

The rest of the daytime can only be characterized as an uncanny Jeremy shopping day. I just wanted to buy everything. From drinking to spending money. It's all so healthy and solves everything at the root.

Arturo makes me laugh so much. Mr. Wit. We went from South Coast Plaza to Irvine Spectrum to Fashion Island to Main Place Mall in search of a Cinnabon store. Sure, we could have called, but the adventure was more fun. The day was beautiful, blue, clear and sunny. We saw Catalina on our way to Fashion Island and the division of ethnicities among these various malls. I got my shoes, cologne, underwear and sunglasses. It felt good to splurge.

We made it back to the house in time for Arturo to take a power nap and me to go into the garage and shave off all my hair. Therapy? I've always liked how the lack of hair accents my eyes. Even more so now that I have the eyebrow piercing. My head being shaved alters my look completely. It gives off a different message to people that would have preconceived notions in their head. This book's cover is less likely to attract the conservative mind. (hmm....flash thought thinks that perhaps this cover would if the conservative had some inner yearning.)

D.R.'s birthday invitation on EVITE said that his dinner was at "BJ's Restaurant." I'd never heard of it, but when Arturo & I drove up to the location we were like, "Oh.... BJ's PIZZA." (Which it is commonly referred to) Drinks with dinner made for good & toasty.

EUPHEMISMS....the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant. Okay, David was correct & Arturo and I were wrong. Nonetheless, the laughter that was generated for Arturo & I being dorks was just wonderful.

SIDE NOTE OUT OF TIMELINE: Sitting in training. Bored. (Do you see a recurring theme?) My mind wandered to last night, seeing Bryand & Aaron. Crazy mad beautiful. So I'm hard sitting here in training now. LOL. Wow. RESUME TIMELINE....

By the end of dinner I was okay to drive. This guy I've been talking to online, J.G.--haha...Jose, was going to the Henry Fonda theater for an event called Electroclash II. Turns out Ali was going too. I drove up to join Ali & his friends, but couldn't find parking. It was midnight. I decided just to goto RAGE and dance. Lots of cute faces, but I was feeling outside of everyone again. I couldn't mix. I didn't feel like drinking anymore knowing that I was by myself and had to drive. A couple guys asked me to dance but I was in my own head and not looking to drown in someone else's--a stranger's--energy.

2am came around. Club house lights went up. The roaches scatter of the dance floor to the sidewalk sale outside of the club. I walked to my car. As I turned the key to get in a cute boy passed by, glancing longer than he needed to and I could tell because of the burning in the back of my shaved head. In my car I get a call from Ali. I meet up to give him pictures from Friday night and then drove to Insomnia by myself.


SUNDAY
The club let out at 2am, but springing forward my phone showed it as 3 and some odd minutes and also showed a text message. The message was from Randy. I don't know if he was drunk or high or sober but there was a message referring to our good times together. This was an added thought that did not need to be in my head.

Arriving at Insomnia, I wanted to get high. I felt like I couldn't quiet my mind and was being consumed. As the DJ's transitioned, I sat in front of a speaker and let the thumping at the base of my skull resonate through to my eyes, ears, shoulders. In a moment I came alive to move with the beat and in the next second I was sitting again. I decided that getting high was not what I really wanted. Getting drunk was not what I really wanted. Being with Randy is not what I really wanted. Being with Lanny is not what I really wanted. The idea is what I wanted. (Want)

I left and arrived home close to 7am. Sex on the brain after teasing myself with the straight boys at Insomnia. But sex would just be another substitute. So I'm not drunk or high, but sex is the same thing. So I forgo trying to hook up and goto sleep.

Sleep. Dreams of having hair. Not much more memory.

I wake to an afternoon of neediness. I want to be held. I want to cry. I want to feel safe. Strong. I went to my mom's house and watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." I went running with my sister. I start to feel my strength and venture to Woody's to watch Queer As Folk with my roommate. Randy C. & JD were drunk at the Boom. Nathan called me on the phone to relate the information. I made a quick stop by to make sure they were okay then watched the show. I returned to The Boom when the show was over and in addition to seeing Randy C. & JD, Bryan and Aarron were there with their friends Jason & Michael. The strength in me still there. The neediness still there. As I described it to Nathan....I felt like I was 2 seconds away from crying at any given moment, but smiling all the time. Drink. Drink. Drink....

But I've drank so much this weekend that the alcohol doesn't do anything anymore. It's like water and I'm just going to the bathroom to let it flow free. My body is good to me that way. It knows when to think for me when I wont do it for myself. I want them so badly, but know that it's a way of avoiding intimacy for myself or not dealing with my own issues. I haven't had sex with anyone since them and I know that's because the intensity of what I felt between them, us three, shared in something that was random for them was something that I would like a lot to have again. I'm not healthy enough to separate emotion from my sexual encounters---and when I say healthy, I don't mean that anyone should be able to do that, but that I have in the past. Sometimes I think that I am that kind of person and sometimes I think that I'm not at all. Two separate lives. Thoughts. Joe shows up with Jon, Dan & Jim. Dan & Jim are visiting from Pittsburgh. Just when I think that the music isn't good enough to dance to, Randy C. & I find ourselves on the dancefloor. I finally found my dance groove that I couldn't the prior night. Boys watching but not approaching. I say goodbye in my head, but not before text messaging an honest thought to B & A. No response.

I finally do cry on my drive home. Something so pure streaming down my cheeks. Something so honest to myself. I feel it again right now.


MONDAY
I've stayed into my lunch 20 minutes to comlete this entry. I'm tired & hungry and nothing is resolved. I have this desire to push myself so that I don't have to think. ((But I've also made an appointment to see the doctor))

Two lives....always pulling each other.