Library--Check this out.

NINE-SOMETHING. Why is it that strangers stare at other strangers with a desire to be closer but always at a distance? There are four chairs at the table that I'm at. I'm sitting at one of them. The voices surrounding, that would normally make me hot and uncomfortable, are now whitenoise and I don't even hear the individual words. Every so often I look up to see the faces--and the hair--of those passing by. I see frightened expressions and euphoric explosions of laughter. They're all so young to me now. It's like I was doing some sort of breathing excercise where you close your eyes and take a deep breath in and then slowly exhale and then you open your eyes. But when I opened my eyes the world had jumped ahead in time and I still felt the same.

So I'm here to meet Jose. Strictly friendly, but I was 30 minutes late. He doesnt' have a cell phone and I don't know if he was here and left or never showed up or is in the next room which I haven't looked at.

The singer is beautiful. She's singing so many touching ballad type songs. I haven't seen her yet, but I have this feeling that her appearance is nothing like her voice. Just a feeling. Can't explain why I know this. It just is and my confidence behind the statement has no way of being bolstered other than to look and see. But then one could just blow it off to chance.

The little boys drink their caffeine and smoke their cigarrettes. How cool. How chic. How 10 years later I still find it disgusting and unattractive no matter how cute the face may be.

*Just get the CD's back and close the chapter, Jeremy*

I'm not doing artistic things. What died? When? How? I made a therapy appointment. Of course, the soonest available was 5/22. A part of me is content to wait because things in my life could change between now and then and the appointment might not be necessary. Another part of me thinks that I should utilize my work EAP and get started on meds now.

So I moved rooms. I was right about her look. There's more bustle in this room--less ventilation. I feel more heat. My body attempts to compensate by lightly sweating my forehead. She makes me want to sing too. Shout out. Be free. "But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."--she sings and I feel it. I feel it in my spine as it sends millions of signals so quickly that I know it my eyes are a glaze and this pen on paper is moving like a richter scale.

9:53pm--and no sign of him anywhere. A boy with "36" on his back stands close and I'm attracted to, but such a boy.

I'm so lonely. As I was on Warner, waiting to turn right onto Culver, I thought about why I felt alone. It's because I began to let myself be defined by being with Randy. I began to let my identity blend as an US. I joke and call Chuck & Eddy "Cheddy" (a term that Arturo came up with). It's something that I was never capable of doing before and now I find it difficult reasserting my singular existence. Why?

I haven't really had any contact with my brothers since x-mas. As children, we would always be around each other. Fighting and having fun. We had super powers and lego's. They taught us of building and weaknesses. I'm making myself sad.

10:06pm--I'm walking to my car.