in the end

Cleaning the filing cabinets over the past few days, I have come across letters from the past. Someone famous in some speech said to save old love letters. I think they were right. Reading them now makes it worth the experience of the time. I have to remember that in this separation between Randy & I. The pain I'm feeling now is everything, unyielding. I'm reminded of the days when I couldn't function at Ingram after Lanny left. It was a hollow time, but it was helped by his being removed from my life.

I wanted to believe the best--as I do in most people that I meet. I see the world that way. Naive...perhaps. This is my natual state. I do not wish to alter it with the so called "realities" of the world. That is not the reality that I live in, nor ever forsee being in. But seeing the best, I can often ignore the worst. If not ignore, at least tolerate to some extent. When is enough, enough? According to the dialogue in "The Mexican," if you truly love someone then "never" is it ever enough.

So the cleaning continues to make room for a bed I haven't slept in in almost two years. Everything is a decision. If I drink coke instead of water there are different immediate gratifications & tastes and then later consequences. The water is better for me in the long run, but the coke will help me stay awake if that's what I need. Being in a relationship fulfills, creates a happiness. Being single fortifies my strident independence and exercises my free spirit. (The free spirit I never knew until Steve Tanny called me on it.) I can't feel completely stupid for the past two years because I was entering into something new for me. I was stretching the comforts of the box I live in and learning that certain comforts were never meant to change.

Instinct comes back into play. It's the first thing to go out the window. It's the mechanism that points out what to avoid--survival. There's a biological component to the brain that overrides this safety feature design. It consistently overrides. If I know it's happening, then in theory, I can make it stop. For instance, Josh. I sense all of the confusion and complexities going on in his life. I see the potential and need in him to be loved--really loved. His advances are flattering, espcially now. But for me to involve myself in his world would only serve to escape my own. It's that simple, so my instincts will win on this one, though so moves me to take part.

What I hope for right now is that when he looks back, he'll see the good that has come of the experience. I hope that for myself as well.

Physical exam scheduled for next month. Call the eye doctor when I get home from work. School orientation set for later this evening. There's never enough to do.