Without You Now--Bic

12:52am
I promise to write. I do. But am I a writer? I read a letter that Steve Harrison wrote me years ago. In it he extolled my writing in a way that I have not heard it talked about in a long time. I may not be so much a writer as I am good at channeling my pain into words or ignoring that pain and using it to create. But without pain.... the writing has many dry spells. So am I really a writer?

But in that thinking, am I a runner? I used to enjoy it a lot but don't go out of my way to do it anymore. Am I a soccer player? Am I a thespian? Am I still Catholic because I was baptized so?

1:22am
I went back and read some of the entries from the Summer of 2000 after I visited Lanny in Florida and made the decision that we were not getting back together. I remember the pain in the decision and the long months afterward. One entry was an IM between Lanny & I about the issue. Still...it was easier with him completely out of sight. Passing nude from the shower to getting dressed isn't exactly out of sight this time around.

2:03am
Got Josh's postcard today from Canada. Sweet. He just sent a text message letting me know he's back in town. He suggests going to Mt. High. I think he was quite taken with learning how to ski. It is fun. Thinking... hmm... when was the last time that I went? It must have been in Washington? NO no no.. it was Dave Weldon '93/'94 when he rented a cabin in Mammoth. Wow... that was the first time I had seen a bidet. Cute.

2:25am
I should take a vacation somewhere, but I want to wait until I know how expenses are going to be and where I'm going to live come April 1st. It seems a long time to wait, but here it is almost the middle of January. The foggy mornings rolling in from see cover time in patches. Fading, thawed, I drive the same streets clearly in developing hills. I await the Summer and the warm sand. I open boxes of band-aids with no adhesive. Make me whole again.