I can't see the stars

How I'll never look at stars the same...

It's just a saying that came to mind; something that might be a from a movie after a scene where a couple spent a night staring up at the sky. I guess I see the last two years like that. Staring out into the future, looking at plans/goals, making those things happen.

There is so much hurt that I can't feel. All of the pain tries to fly out at once and only ends up flooding the channels. I'm sweating. Flash.

Maturity...it's like this straight jacket that we put on because to chide and become irrational when we hurt is somehow unbecoming. The feeling of wanting to shred their clothes, box their belongings and break things isn't healthy, but pleading cliches like, "if you love someone, set them free" is the enlightened way of channeling that same energy. We don't call that delusional.

I vowed in my head that if this did not work that I would not put myself through this again. Now I'm facing that in the mirror and realizing how final it feels. There's a dim sense of contentment in reviving the fire in me of being single--the freedom. But it's so dim right now and I'm too tired for months of wearing down to really cultivate that into light. I want to stop flashing with this heat right now. I want to be held. I want it to be all okay. I want it to stop. I want it to stop.