Tuesday, July 24, 2001
Friday, July 20, 2001
fantasy..haha
"The Sounds Of Nature..."
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Being Straight
I never really reflected too much about my Viagra experience. It wasn't that BIG a deal. =) Imagine not having control over a part of your body and no matter what you thought about or tried to cloud your mind with once stimulated, you're stiff.
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Monday, July 16, 2001
Maybe I'll Walk
This computer has been running more slowly lately so I've been spending the last hour going through unnecessary programs and files and clearing space on the hard drive. I'd like to reboot right now, but I'm waiting for files to get downloaded on AIMSTER, my new Napster replacement. I was having withdrawls.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Thursday, July 12, 2001
intensity
Angry noises start off my home tonight. The silent ones are the loudest. As the week has been wearing on, I'm growing more and more drained. I haven't been doing well at getting to bed at that midnight goal. Maybe if it were more of a competition... lol
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
tires
People talk of change as if it builds up and then unleashes itself in this huge explosion. I think that's just the visible spectrum, like light. There is always something changing, always something more.
j.r.me
j.r.me
Wednesday, July 04, 2001
Salad Soup (Indy Pen Dance)
I didn't reset my alarm last night to compensate for the 30 minute shift in work hours today so I have an extra 30 to ponder this morning. I've already read/deleted my junk e-mail so I thought I'd expand on that fruit salad. I mean...it's only good while it's fresh; eventually even the sweetest juices make the salad soggy.
We need a vacuum. I thought my holiday pay for Memorial Day was going to be in the last paycheck, but it wasn't, so I'm waiting for that because the bug situation in this apartment is really bugging me. (That was sad.)
Tonight we have been invited to Lost Angeles to spend time with Brian and others. Low key, nice, friendly, and probably exactly the environment that I need before going out dancing tomorrow night.
Just this last Sunday I went out to "The Boom" with Nathan & Ryan. I honestly had a lot of fun there. Chuck & Jeff, Randy C., JD, and some others. The free admission and my jumping bean legs were a good lure. While leaving I heard my name called by Joseph, Dustin's ex-boyfriend. He's a dancer there at The Boom now. He had the same reaction that boys seem to have when I mention that I'm going home to my boyfriend: "He let's YOU come out dancing without him?" I always sense an implied insinuation when people say that, but then again I usually sense an attraction on their behalf too. Another ounce of gay culture that I've grown accustom to.
I was told by Nathan last week that we may need a new roommate by the end of July, but in the same conversation I was told that nothing is certain yet and he really wasn't sure. I've been riding this out, waiting, understanding that there are issues and complications that are so far beyond my helping him that just keeping afloat here is best for now. Though my fruit salad contains these thoughts of seaching for a roommate, the real juice here is finding this friend who can't find himself. In some ways I feel like I'm condoning/contributing to his inability to stay away from drugs by going out and doing them with him. It's maddening. It's ridiculous seeing him happy while out and really expecting that he's made great choices and then the next day watch him skip a therapy appointment and the day after that say less than 10 words to me. After what he's told me about his work, I don't even know if he has a job anymore, but will find out by conversation when the time is right for him.
My mother seems pulled back lately. I think it's just her new class, but I know that Byron not speaking with her lately plays into that. I need to write him a letter as calling him is too awkward. We don't talk either, so what would words on a phone mean while he's surrounded by neaderthals.
Ahh...the knell of work....
j.r.me
We need a vacuum. I thought my holiday pay for Memorial Day was going to be in the last paycheck, but it wasn't, so I'm waiting for that because the bug situation in this apartment is really bugging me. (That was sad.)
Tonight we have been invited to Lost Angeles to spend time with Brian and others. Low key, nice, friendly, and probably exactly the environment that I need before going out dancing tomorrow night.
Just this last Sunday I went out to "The Boom" with Nathan & Ryan. I honestly had a lot of fun there. Chuck & Jeff, Randy C., JD, and some others. The free admission and my jumping bean legs were a good lure. While leaving I heard my name called by Joseph, Dustin's ex-boyfriend. He's a dancer there at The Boom now. He had the same reaction that boys seem to have when I mention that I'm going home to my boyfriend: "He let's YOU come out dancing without him?" I always sense an implied insinuation when people say that, but then again I usually sense an attraction on their behalf too. Another ounce of gay culture that I've grown accustom to.
I was told by Nathan last week that we may need a new roommate by the end of July, but in the same conversation I was told that nothing is certain yet and he really wasn't sure. I've been riding this out, waiting, understanding that there are issues and complications that are so far beyond my helping him that just keeping afloat here is best for now. Though my fruit salad contains these thoughts of seaching for a roommate, the real juice here is finding this friend who can't find himself. In some ways I feel like I'm condoning/contributing to his inability to stay away from drugs by going out and doing them with him. It's maddening. It's ridiculous seeing him happy while out and really expecting that he's made great choices and then the next day watch him skip a therapy appointment and the day after that say less than 10 words to me. After what he's told me about his work, I don't even know if he has a job anymore, but will find out by conversation when the time is right for him.
My mother seems pulled back lately. I think it's just her new class, but I know that Byron not speaking with her lately plays into that. I need to write him a letter as calling him is too awkward. We don't talk either, so what would words on a phone mean while he's surrounded by neaderthals.
Ahh...the knell of work....
j.r.me
Sunday, July 01, 2001
one
1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1 of 1..... of many.
It was a nice night spending time with Brian & Randy last night. Looking back on changes--for the better. Thoughts of phone conversations until all hours of the morning. My, how I just could not hold a phone to my ear that long anymore.
Bobby & Joey may have experienced their first circuit event last night together. I'm wanting to know how that went.
There is a fruit basket of thoughts on my mind, but I think I'll wait to write about them until it's a fruit salad and suitable for digestion.
j.r.me
It was a nice night spending time with Brian & Randy last night. Looking back on changes--for the better. Thoughts of phone conversations until all hours of the morning. My, how I just could not hold a phone to my ear that long anymore.
Bobby & Joey may have experienced their first circuit event last night together. I'm wanting to know how that went.
There is a fruit basket of thoughts on my mind, but I think I'll wait to write about them until it's a fruit salad and suitable for digestion.
j.r.me
