Saturday, March 29, 2003
Wet Shorts
I worked 2 hours of overtime and then took off to the beach at 1pm. I had to be back at work by 2:30, but Josh & Gabe were baking so I thought I'd see what else was in the oven. The 17 year old--of course. LOL Due to traffic contraints, I got to spend a whole ten minutes at the beach before racing back to work. I dashed into the water the last minute I was there to appease Josh--and I wanted to anyway. Made it in to work five minutes late. I now have blisters on the balls of my feet and I'm wearing wet shorts with no underwear. Lovely. And I love it. =)
Friday, March 28, 2003
Wonderment
Art (roommate), Josh and I went to TigerHeat last night. Packed. Of course, this is Spring Break and all of the UC's are out. (Of which, Southern California has 4 of them) Arm bands were lacking and I didn't feel old because of how I looked but because of the conversations and expressions of those around. I leaned over to Art at one point and remarked that "they" are so unsure of themselves. They don't know who they are yet. It's hard to believe that I was like that, but I know I must have been ten years ago. I was much more brash. I cared less about being civil. Somehow, I was still sweet. I remember writing about how I became hardened by my experiences with Ruben in my Freshman & Sophomore years. I probably would've been a flaming queen.. hahaha. Wow, what a sight that might have been.
So Josh slept over and the cuddling was wonderful again. Haha... just roll with it, jeremy.
So Josh slept over and the cuddling was wonderful again. Haha... just roll with it, jeremy.
The Bus
Some people are "ambitious." Driven. They take control. Steer. The make plans; set goals. Raise families. Achieve. One day they could be crossing a street and a bus could smash them dead.
Some people are "followers." They're not dumb. Street smart perhaps. They follow trends. Raise families. Ahieve some. One day they could be crossing a street and a bus could smash them dead.
Some people are "slackers." Responsibility what? If it feels good, do it. Impulse. Procrastination. One day they could be crossing a street and a bus could smash them dead.
I see myself in each of the quoted descriptors. I'm on this journey where I'm working toward goals, but slowly. Sometimes I feel like, "What's the point?" when you never know when that bus might come? Not that I dwell on that. I rarely think of death at all. I have thoughts of doing things today, impulsively, because why put them off, but at the same time will find every reason to put other things off. I see that it's most important to me to have meaningful relationships with my friends and the people I spend my life with. This is success and the achievement of a goal to me. This energy is lasting. The things I do in terms of acts are not so in my mind.
Some people are "followers." They're not dumb. Street smart perhaps. They follow trends. Raise families. Ahieve some. One day they could be crossing a street and a bus could smash them dead.
Some people are "slackers." Responsibility what? If it feels good, do it. Impulse. Procrastination. One day they could be crossing a street and a bus could smash them dead.
I see myself in each of the quoted descriptors. I'm on this journey where I'm working toward goals, but slowly. Sometimes I feel like, "What's the point?" when you never know when that bus might come? Not that I dwell on that. I rarely think of death at all. I have thoughts of doing things today, impulsively, because why put them off, but at the same time will find every reason to put other things off. I see that it's most important to me to have meaningful relationships with my friends and the people I spend my life with. This is success and the achievement of a goal to me. This energy is lasting. The things I do in terms of acts are not so in my mind.
Tid Bits
As I was getting out of my car I realized that instead of my 2 minutes to start time, I actually had more like 10. There was a song that I really enjoy that started playing as I was parking so I let the car run and listened to it. I took the moment ot read through some of the daily quotes in my day planner that I hadn't looked at in the last couple of days and here's one that I liked:
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."
-Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."
-Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
It's like...yeah. That too.
3:52pm
The jury is in. I'm a good person. The best in some ways; some days. Lanny is staying together with Shane. I think I knew this would happen, but I hoped for something else. Again, I find myself being thankful that he lives across the country. It makes the grieving process easier.
I found out about all this last night. I was in the passenger's seat of Josh's car. We were driving into West Hollywood to goto "alternative" night at RAGE. I had a lot of fun. I was going to buy a silver ring with stars & moons on it but Josh paid for it instead. Later, while at Del Taco---ooh the IRONY---he used a napkin to write a card to go with the ring. Sweet sentiment. Such a good heart. I've always known that about him.
Cardwell and I had dinner at Habana's at The Lab. Good meal. Good time.
The jury is in. I'm a good person. The best in some ways; some days. Lanny is staying together with Shane. I think I knew this would happen, but I hoped for something else. Again, I find myself being thankful that he lives across the country. It makes the grieving process easier.
I found out about all this last night. I was in the passenger's seat of Josh's car. We were driving into West Hollywood to goto "alternative" night at RAGE. I had a lot of fun. I was going to buy a silver ring with stars & moons on it but Josh paid for it instead. Later, while at Del Taco---ooh the IRONY---he used a napkin to write a card to go with the ring. Sweet sentiment. Such a good heart. I've always known that about him.
Cardwell and I had dinner at Habana's at The Lab. Good meal. Good time.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Finger Cuts
I had a great night with Nathan in San Diego last night. We sat in the rental car for a good hour talking about Robert & Lanny and life. I wish I could have that in my life all the time. Haha... I just made myself start crying thinking about that. Haha. I just got out of the shower and am all clean, naked, sitting in my chair typing this. I'm getting hot from crying. I don't know what to do tonight. I don't want to watch the oscars. Everyone else seems to be already.
Lanny and I talked on the phone for over an hour yesterday. I was sitting in Balboa Park when he called. Airplanes flying over head. I drank again last night. Consumed by thoughts of him. I danced. Play that music louder. Harder. I felt it inside of my head and moved to each sound. I walked back to the hotel and got my phone. Tried to call him but his phone picked up and then hung up. Sleeping, I guessed. So I sent this text message: "You need to decide who you want. Then let me know. Yes I've been drinking, but I know this is true. Love Jeremy" I've not heard from him. So I take my own advice to him and I'm not pushing. But my head is so full now.
While I was taking the LSAT the song below was in my head. A few times I almost found myself humming it out loud.
My Immortal
by Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppresed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
CHORUS
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
With your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All of the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone
All alone
Lanny and I talked on the phone for over an hour yesterday. I was sitting in Balboa Park when he called. Airplanes flying over head. I drank again last night. Consumed by thoughts of him. I danced. Play that music louder. Harder. I felt it inside of my head and moved to each sound. I walked back to the hotel and got my phone. Tried to call him but his phone picked up and then hung up. Sleeping, I guessed. So I sent this text message: "You need to decide who you want. Then let me know. Yes I've been drinking, but I know this is true. Love Jeremy" I've not heard from him. So I take my own advice to him and I'm not pushing. But my head is so full now.
While I was taking the LSAT the song below was in my head. A few times I almost found myself humming it out loud.
My Immortal
by Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppresed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
CHORUS
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
With your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All of the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone
All alone
Friday, March 21, 2003
Sails in the wind
Wanna see what's inside my head: aweoighowshoarewgo;jsad fawefjwafe 34265tmn 3 56j;o32 ags0934nll 34w0t6wagekm 3409t8ujh we308g9tu3 4 34890u g 34u9j83e ews 3809u 34 sh 908u5rt4 h 540-u And that's just the part that I can figure out myself.
I thought just now that I'd turn my phone off for the weekend and leave a message that said, "This phone is turned off. I don't mean that it's off for a little while, I mean that all weekend long you will not be able to reach me." Then I remembered that I'm meeting up with Nathan tomorrow night and need it on. So yeah... that won't work.
There was a moment earlier when I was driving in my car and I thought about whether I'm choosing chaos over order because of the dramatic effect and feelings provoked. Lanny is *not* a life where I will be bored. It is not a life where I will want for excitement or experience. It's a life where I would constantly be working at improving myself to communicate better; trying to understand and change with him. There would be a social side that is not me and that I've wanted. Frolic. Fun. There would also be turmoil with his fears. There would be constant change. There is instability. These thoughts passed as I remembered that Ryan was at The Boom last Saturday and I told him I would call. I haven't yet. Ryan--to me--represents stability. (At least from what I remember and on the outside. He's a college grad, works with a good job, seems emotionally stable. These are the earmarks of people I avoid because... because I shun responsibility in my own way? Or I don't want any more than I already have. Or they're boring? Or I'm seeking chaos...haha I think life is an interesting milieu. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
So I'm all about finding school again this weekend. I thought about ditching the LSAT but that would be like not jumping out of the airplane and not taking that skydive just because I was by myself. It would have been nice to share this experience with Randy, but the reality is that I'm not going to and I'm going forward anyway. After the test I'm going to either stick around on the college campus and read my Algebra book or go into Hillcrest and stew there. Dinner with Nathan and then kick back at Numbers. I've never been to Numbers.
I project six hours of sleep. (If I'm lucky) When people get lucky, they usually aren't sleeping. Our language is so stupid.
I thought just now that I'd turn my phone off for the weekend and leave a message that said, "This phone is turned off. I don't mean that it's off for a little while, I mean that all weekend long you will not be able to reach me." Then I remembered that I'm meeting up with Nathan tomorrow night and need it on. So yeah... that won't work.
There was a moment earlier when I was driving in my car and I thought about whether I'm choosing chaos over order because of the dramatic effect and feelings provoked. Lanny is *not* a life where I will be bored. It is not a life where I will want for excitement or experience. It's a life where I would constantly be working at improving myself to communicate better; trying to understand and change with him. There would be a social side that is not me and that I've wanted. Frolic. Fun. There would also be turmoil with his fears. There would be constant change. There is instability. These thoughts passed as I remembered that Ryan was at The Boom last Saturday and I told him I would call. I haven't yet. Ryan--to me--represents stability. (At least from what I remember and on the outside. He's a college grad, works with a good job, seems emotionally stable. These are the earmarks of people I avoid because... because I shun responsibility in my own way? Or I don't want any more than I already have. Or they're boring? Or I'm seeking chaos...haha I think life is an interesting milieu. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
So I'm all about finding school again this weekend. I thought about ditching the LSAT but that would be like not jumping out of the airplane and not taking that skydive just because I was by myself. It would have been nice to share this experience with Randy, but the reality is that I'm not going to and I'm going forward anyway. After the test I'm going to either stick around on the college campus and read my Algebra book or go into Hillcrest and stew there. Dinner with Nathan and then kick back at Numbers. I've never been to Numbers.
I project six hours of sleep. (If I'm lucky) When people get lucky, they usually aren't sleeping. Our language is so stupid.
Red Red Wine
Second glass of wine. Two separate bottles. I feel this more than I do shots or mixed drinks. My mind has quieted enough to paint this screen. I've wanted to write several times tonight, but my head wasn't there.
Lanny called me a few minutes ago. He had me talking to someone named John at the bar. I wish I was there. I type that and put my head down to my forearm and think in darkness that the wish is somthing that is only real when I make plans to pursue the dream. Like a degree. Like a friendship. Like anytyhing.
Most people drink to forget. But I drink and I remember. I'm heavy now. I'm typing to friends & strangers. I wonder if I'll remember any dreams. I know I must go there now. I know I must turn this off. I know I must.
Believe me when I say I love so deeply that it is an art.
Lanny called me a few minutes ago. He had me talking to someone named John at the bar. I wish I was there. I type that and put my head down to my forearm and think in darkness that the wish is somthing that is only real when I make plans to pursue the dream. Like a degree. Like a friendship. Like anytyhing.
Most people drink to forget. But I drink and I remember. I'm heavy now. I'm typing to friends & strangers. I wonder if I'll remember any dreams. I know I must go there now. I know I must turn this off. I know I must.
Believe me when I say I love so deeply that it is an art.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
When I want you...
9:32pm
Last night I drove to Mark's place in Long Beach after work so that we could watch "The Ring." It was very good and I'm sorry I missed out seeing it in the theater. I caught him up with my weekend and he reiterated to me that this is the perfect time (again) for me to quit working and go back to school full-time. Take out student loans and just "do it." I've been looking online at the loan process. I don't know that I want a B.A. that bad or soon to live the life of a starving student at 28. It's definitely something that is occupying space in the brain; one of those background programs constantly running.
Lanny in my head. Another background program that jets to the front and I have to consciously push back or my mind won't work.
War. yeah yeah whatever.
LSAT mock test this Saturday.
I spoke to Bryan online earlier and he and Aaron will be in San Diego this Saturday while I'm down there. Wes mentioned he might be in Orange County but that I could stay at his place. It's strange...the moment Lanny comes back and we start to seriously talk again it's like any other sexual escapades and/or relationship potentials are closed in my mind. I know what it is. It's that part of him and that part of me that always believed we would spend our lives together with one person. It's the dream that still lives inside of us. It's what makes him confused and cling to Shane. I'm not saying that there aren't real feelings there, because I think there are. I know he loves Shane. I know that I'm a memory of love and that I'm actually in the shadow of something greater and more immediate that I can't compete with here in California. Still... I dream.
I saw Ryan Harris at The Boom on Saturday. I don't think he thought I recognized him, but I did. (I was just very blurred due to shots) I was also in a daze being with Lanny. I'm serious. It's like the whole romantic world outside of him is just a forest of people that are there as scenery. Beautiful scenery, but nothing more.
A poem that Holly wrote years ago had a line that says, "The blue moon gazed inscrutably down that night." (I think that's the line) The moon has been tremendously huge the past few days. It seems to be so close that you can reach out and touch it while hanging in the air; So close that the textures of the different landscapes are clearly visible. Like he's so close that I still feel him when I close my eyes.
Last night I drove to Mark's place in Long Beach after work so that we could watch "The Ring." It was very good and I'm sorry I missed out seeing it in the theater. I caught him up with my weekend and he reiterated to me that this is the perfect time (again) for me to quit working and go back to school full-time. Take out student loans and just "do it." I've been looking online at the loan process. I don't know that I want a B.A. that bad or soon to live the life of a starving student at 28. It's definitely something that is occupying space in the brain; one of those background programs constantly running.
Lanny in my head. Another background program that jets to the front and I have to consciously push back or my mind won't work.
War. yeah yeah whatever.
LSAT mock test this Saturday.
I spoke to Bryan online earlier and he and Aaron will be in San Diego this Saturday while I'm down there. Wes mentioned he might be in Orange County but that I could stay at his place. It's strange...the moment Lanny comes back and we start to seriously talk again it's like any other sexual escapades and/or relationship potentials are closed in my mind. I know what it is. It's that part of him and that part of me that always believed we would spend our lives together with one person. It's the dream that still lives inside of us. It's what makes him confused and cling to Shane. I'm not saying that there aren't real feelings there, because I think there are. I know he loves Shane. I know that I'm a memory of love and that I'm actually in the shadow of something greater and more immediate that I can't compete with here in California. Still... I dream.
I saw Ryan Harris at The Boom on Saturday. I don't think he thought I recognized him, but I did. (I was just very blurred due to shots) I was also in a daze being with Lanny. I'm serious. It's like the whole romantic world outside of him is just a forest of people that are there as scenery. Beautiful scenery, but nothing more.
A poem that Holly wrote years ago had a line that says, "The blue moon gazed inscrutably down that night." (I think that's the line) The moon has been tremendously huge the past few days. It seems to be so close that you can reach out and touch it while hanging in the air; So close that the textures of the different landscapes are clearly visible. Like he's so close that I still feel him when I close my eyes.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
These Dreams...
"These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away"
-These Dreams by Heart
And as soon as it began, it's over. Another chapter; short story; episodic poem. It's a short week at work, four days for me. I watch the time on my cell phone go by and know that he'll shortly be on a plane going back to that place where his life awaits. As he said, I am the fairytale. I'm not real. I'm just that dream somewhere out in time that can't be touched too much or loved too much because what pain it is to be ripped away again. 2-5-2007. February 5th, 2007, a bottle of wine, time, some flowers and a real kiss that might endure the rest of the years to come. That's the real fairytale.
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away"
-These Dreams by Heart
And as soon as it began, it's over. Another chapter; short story; episodic poem. It's a short week at work, four days for me. I watch the time on my cell phone go by and know that he'll shortly be on a plane going back to that place where his life awaits. As he said, I am the fairytale. I'm not real. I'm just that dream somewhere out in time that can't be touched too much or loved too much because what pain it is to be ripped away again. 2-5-2007. February 5th, 2007, a bottle of wine, time, some flowers and a real kiss that might endure the rest of the years to come. That's the real fairytale.
