"Nothing so loud as hearing when we lie."
-Toad The Wet Sprocket: All I Want
It's why I don't do it. No matter what I could pass off to someone else there is always an inner voice that I have to listen to. That voice can be annoying sometimes because there can be many truths to a singular situation. When your face is arm's distance to the wall all you can see is the graffiti and not the mural.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Incubation of Indulging
Push play and then begin reading... this may be a long entry and I figure you can listen to what I was listening to when I wrote it all...
Ok... here we go...
I have a family reunion of sorts coming up on July 26/27. It will also be Philip's 28th birthday that Sunday. I received the email today that mother has scheduled a sitting for photographs to be taken that weekend. The joy on my face right now... Back in the days of childhood when film had to be developed I may not have liked going to a photographer to put a fake smile on my face but at least I understood that--lacking the photography training & equipment--it was a necessary evil to be completed. However, in this awesome non-Aztec calendar year of 2008 pretty much everyone in the family has a digital camera quite capable of capturing our contrived smiles and instantly showing us whether we need to pose again for another take due to blinkage, random anamolies and the potential Disney ghost who stowed away in our image to leave the haunted house.
*shaking head*
A month ago I posted that I was starting a new job on June 18th. So much has happened in this first month and I've recited various specifics to different friends that trying to bullet point them right now feels like a chore. The important thing to note is that I am still enjoying myself. Below is the view from my front desk area...
My first week working on the property, one of my co-workers, Joseph, introduced me to a friend of his named Kyle. Both of them have been pleasant surprises resulting from taking this job. Various slychology babble espouses that it takes 21 days to form or break a habit. It would be no coincidence then that the amount of time Kyle and I have spent together over the last 21 days has put him in the forefront of my thoughts.
We seem to have met during a time of transition for both of us. For me, it's easy to want to romanticize outcomes. It always has been. When I know nothing about a person I will generally assume the best of intentions until actions prove to the contrary. However, even with this natural quixotic blueprint that I work from, I do have the ancient "Dead Relationship Scrolls" that clearly have lessons I have been taught recorded in blood, tears and sometimes even the screams of growing pains. Accordingly, I am trying to focus on the present so that I can learn and enjoy every moment.
I finished reading Kyle's online blog today. I started from the beginning and read every entry forward to the present. There have been times when we've been resting next to each other and I will look into his eyes and alternately see the forthright, confident social personality that is often readily observable by most but I also see the boy who writes semi-nostalgic entries about North Carolina and wonders if he will find someone who will not only someday be a Valentine, but a character of acceptance and support rather than judgment for the industries he works in. While I can completely understand this intellectually, I know it is a rare person (who is not a sociopath) who can embrace this emotionally. As is usually the case with any issue, being able to see both sides doesn't make me any wiser or knowledgeable; ultimately I just think more and more.
And so he is in my thoughts quite constantly.
Eddie and his gang from Las Vegas will be arriving tomorrow. Mark will be driving Nick up from Long Beach and meeting me at work until I'm off. The plan then is to meet up with Eddie's crew at The Abbey for Frenchy's bday drinks and just a general celebration of friendship. That is something that can never be praised too much in my mind. People's importance and value should be acknowledged. (But I wouldn't mind either if everyone could just start reading my mind so I wouldn't have to remind myself to speak up... haha)
The Thursday is here.... no more writing....
Ok... here we go...
I have a family reunion of sorts coming up on July 26/27. It will also be Philip's 28th birthday that Sunday. I received the email today that mother has scheduled a sitting for photographs to be taken that weekend. The joy on my face right now... Back in the days of childhood when film had to be developed I may not have liked going to a photographer to put a fake smile on my face but at least I understood that--lacking the photography training & equipment--it was a necessary evil to be completed. However, in this awesome non-Aztec calendar year of 2008 pretty much everyone in the family has a digital camera quite capable of capturing our contrived smiles and instantly showing us whether we need to pose again for another take due to blinkage, random anamolies and the potential Disney ghost who stowed away in our image to leave the haunted house.
*shaking head*
A month ago I posted that I was starting a new job on June 18th. So much has happened in this first month and I've recited various specifics to different friends that trying to bullet point them right now feels like a chore. The important thing to note is that I am still enjoying myself. Below is the view from my front desk area...
My first week working on the property, one of my co-workers, Joseph, introduced me to a friend of his named Kyle. Both of them have been pleasant surprises resulting from taking this job. Various slychology babble espouses that it takes 21 days to form or break a habit. It would be no coincidence then that the amount of time Kyle and I have spent together over the last 21 days has put him in the forefront of my thoughts.
We seem to have met during a time of transition for both of us. For me, it's easy to want to romanticize outcomes. It always has been. When I know nothing about a person I will generally assume the best of intentions until actions prove to the contrary. However, even with this natural quixotic blueprint that I work from, I do have the ancient "Dead Relationship Scrolls" that clearly have lessons I have been taught recorded in blood, tears and sometimes even the screams of growing pains. Accordingly, I am trying to focus on the present so that I can learn and enjoy every moment.
I finished reading Kyle's online blog today. I started from the beginning and read every entry forward to the present. There have been times when we've been resting next to each other and I will look into his eyes and alternately see the forthright, confident social personality that is often readily observable by most but I also see the boy who writes semi-nostalgic entries about North Carolina and wonders if he will find someone who will not only someday be a Valentine, but a character of acceptance and support rather than judgment for the industries he works in. While I can completely understand this intellectually, I know it is a rare person (who is not a sociopath) who can embrace this emotionally. As is usually the case with any issue, being able to see both sides doesn't make me any wiser or knowledgeable; ultimately I just think more and more.
And so he is in my thoughts quite constantly.
Eddie and his gang from Las Vegas will be arriving tomorrow. Mark will be driving Nick up from Long Beach and meeting me at work until I'm off. The plan then is to meet up with Eddie's crew at The Abbey for Frenchy's bday drinks and just a general celebration of friendship. That is something that can never be praised too much in my mind. People's importance and value should be acknowledged. (But I wouldn't mind either if everyone could just start reading my mind so I wouldn't have to remind myself to speak up... haha)
The Thursday is here.... no more writing....
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Bussing My Business
With my back to the South, I bounce in this seat getting a glimpse of the Hollywood Hills when the buildings clear to reveal a cross street. The Observatory peeks at me just before Normandie and I think about how I haven't been there since the renovation. I'd like to take him there sometime to be above the city and together in another shared experience.
More and more I'm feeling like a stranger in my own home space. I'm not sad about that, I'm not particularly any emotion.
Work. Soon. Again.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Sent via the "BOYSinBERRY" from T-Mobile
Monday, July 07, 2008
You've Reached This Link...
...It's an odd, passing thought that my posted thoughts here could be viewed in a wider sense of the "www" than just a few days ago when only my friends and family really knew about it. True, it is not private or password protected, but it is also not written for a specific audience, nor do I try and write with a particular style, purpose or slant which is often the case with someone's blog. Accordingly, I've always thought of this as my journal and not a blog. I suppose I should have started--or transferred--these writings to livejournal.com instead, but blogger had more of the functionality I was looking for when I switched from diaryland.com back in 2000.
Anyway...if you don't know me and are reading this--AND really want to know me--you'll just have to start from the beginning and work your way forward. If you're here for some leisurely fluff then I encourage you to use the CONDUIT links on the side to look at pictures or watch YouTube.
If you do know me--or think you do--then... There's nothing for me to say at all. ;-)
Anyway...if you don't know me and are reading this--AND really want to know me--you'll just have to start from the beginning and work your way forward. If you're here for some leisurely fluff then I encourage you to use the CONDUIT links on the side to look at pictures or watch YouTube.
If you do know me--or think you do--then... There's nothing for me to say at all. ;-)
Monday, June 16, 2008
When I Fall In love
What happened to the people who believed that they would fall in love? Who have I surrounded myself with? Peers? Those who have lost faith? Did they ever have it?
The questions are so vast and at the heart of falling in love is trying to understand what it is. The simplicity of what it means to me is a galaxy of explanation to someone who doesn't speak my language or have "my" understanding.
It's when I am so close to despair that I have often felt that I have a greater understanding of humanity. I have written things that I look back on--often as a teenager when despair seemed constant--and wonder how I could have seen "that." Getting caught up in being a grown up has often meant that I've left some dreams in the past. I can see glimpses of the same thing in the grown ups around me.
I remember a man I didn't really know. His name was Doug and he was tall. He made me laugh. I thought he was a big queen and very different from me. He drank alcohol at a time when I did not after rap sessions on Sundays. We would all go to "Me & Ed's" pizza and sit on wooden picnic table style benches. He took his life a long time ago.
All this thinking of love...I remember the Nat King Cole song that Rick Astley remade in the 80's and I used to listen to (and sing) quite frequently through high school. The lyrics--then--were a dreamy idea that I yearned for. The lyrics--now--are a reality that I can see from having been in love.
"When I fall in love
It will be forever.
Or I'll never
Fall in love...
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem too cool in the warmth of the sun...
The questions are so vast and at the heart of falling in love is trying to understand what it is. The simplicity of what it means to me is a galaxy of explanation to someone who doesn't speak my language or have "my" understanding.
It's when I am so close to despair that I have often felt that I have a greater understanding of humanity. I have written things that I look back on--often as a teenager when despair seemed constant--and wonder how I could have seen "that." Getting caught up in being a grown up has often meant that I've left some dreams in the past. I can see glimpses of the same thing in the grown ups around me.
I remember a man I didn't really know. His name was Doug and he was tall. He made me laugh. I thought he was a big queen and very different from me. He drank alcohol at a time when I did not after rap sessions on Sundays. We would all go to "Me & Ed's" pizza and sit on wooden picnic table style benches. He took his life a long time ago.
All this thinking of love...I remember the Nat King Cole song that Rick Astley remade in the 80's and I used to listen to (and sing) quite frequently through high school. The lyrics--then--were a dreamy idea that I yearned for. The lyrics--now--are a reality that I can see from having been in love.
"When I fall in love
It will be forever.
Or I'll never
Fall in love...
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem too cool in the warmth of the sun...
Taking Notes on Time
The Summer is beginning for most but I'm feeling like the first week of school is approaching and that my fun is in the past for this segment of time.
I've been reading a lot of people's blogs lately. They are growing up before my eyes.
Will's birthday is on Saturday. Charlie's next week.
I've gotten a new job and will start on Wednesday. (more on this later, I'm sure)
I feel the need to close my eyes and dream now so no music to put me to sleep. A complete shutdown of the computer so there will be no extra sound. Phone to silent.
I hope to be swept into everyone and everything very shortly.
I've been reading a lot of people's blogs lately. They are growing up before my eyes.
Will's birthday is on Saturday. Charlie's next week.
I've gotten a new job and will start on Wednesday. (more on this later, I'm sure)
I feel the need to close my eyes and dream now so no music to put me to sleep. A complete shutdown of the computer so there will be no extra sound. Phone to silent.
I hope to be swept into everyone and everything very shortly.
Friday, June 13, 2008
My Hands Are Very Dry
The poorly chosen or inappropriate words of one I've deemed to have physical beauty trumps that beauty just about every time. (Even compliments about how good I look when said person has a boyfriend.)
I used the family email list for the first time in a while a couple days ago. No response. No surprise. Though I would like them, I think that first the idea of sharing thoughts has to be accepted and natural and it isn't in our family. Someone has to set an example.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Adele - Chasing Pavements
I used the family email list for the first time in a while a couple days ago. No response. No surprise. Though I would like them, I think that first the idea of sharing thoughts has to be accepted and natural and it isn't in our family. Someone has to set an example.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Adele - Chasing Pavements
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Brotherly Thoughts
These are just some random thoughts before I go to bed. On some level these thoughts have been with me since I was 18. As I've gotten older... they surface less often, but much more strongly when they do surface. I felt like sharing tonight.
I left home during a time that I needed to for myself. A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers. It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind. My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more. I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc. For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves. Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about. Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone. (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)
With Sarah it was always different. There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was. I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself. I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day. I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it. The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room. I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself. Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends. It isn't something that can be forced. I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider. I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more that that I don't know. It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while. Ironic.
Anyway...I just felt like sharing. I know that was a bit heavy. On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch. Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids. Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc. Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however, there is the occasional babysitting... haha. This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q
I love you all very much.
j.r.me
I left home during a time that I needed to for myself. A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers. It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind. My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more. I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc. For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves. Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about. Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone. (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)
With Sarah it was always different. There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was. I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself. I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day. I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it. The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room. I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself. Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends. It isn't something that can be forced. I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider. I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more that that I don't know. It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while. Ironic.
Anyway...I just felt like sharing. I know that was a bit heavy. On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch. Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids. Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc. Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however, there is the occasional babysitting... haha. This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q
I love you all very much.
j.r.me
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Gene-Us
One day he'll wake up and realize I was there all along; that what he wanted was in me. Funny thing is that I have often thought that I'm the one who needed to wake up. Today I think I need to be the one to stay asleep.
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Miracles In Minds
I'm listening to "Toca's Miracle" by Fragma. I remember being at a Huntington Beach house party that had a live DJ spinning years ago and dancing to this song in the living room. I found the carpet disagreeable with my shoes so I kicked them off and let my socks slide effortlessly.
This is one of those songs where the melody, sound effects and lyrics all work in perfect concert for me. There have been many different mixes of the tune since its release. I tend to like most of them. Some just make me stand up and move while others take me deeper inside of myself. The In Petto 2008 Remix that I just heard had me with my eyes closed for a time as I retraced the last eight years in my mind. There is a way that tears can start to form when my eyes are closed and in at a sudden spike of emotion---either from memory or sound or the synergy of the two---when the ducts push past the close lids and a stream will form underneath the tops & bottom eye lashes that have intertwined like the fingers of lovers being affectionate.
Umm...ok...so here are the lyrics:
Toca me
Esta tarde sirma, toca me
Hey...
Hey...
miracle miracle miracle
If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearing what I say
I feel your touch...
Your kiss...
Is not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love is for free
I won't take nothing less than a deeper love
[Chorus: 2x]
Let me tell you...know...I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more than physical
What I need to feel from you.
[It's more than physical
What I need to get me through]
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought that no one cared
You're the answer to my prayers
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
CHORUS
This is one of those songs where the melody, sound effects and lyrics all work in perfect concert for me. There have been many different mixes of the tune since its release. I tend to like most of them. Some just make me stand up and move while others take me deeper inside of myself. The In Petto 2008 Remix that I just heard had me with my eyes closed for a time as I retraced the last eight years in my mind. There is a way that tears can start to form when my eyes are closed and in at a sudden spike of emotion---either from memory or sound or the synergy of the two---when the ducts push past the close lids and a stream will form underneath the tops & bottom eye lashes that have intertwined like the fingers of lovers being affectionate.
Umm...ok...so here are the lyrics:
Toca me
Esta tarde sirma, toca me
Hey...
Hey...
miracle miracle miracle
If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearing what I say
I feel your touch...
Your kiss...
Is not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love is for free
I won't take nothing less than a deeper love
[Chorus: 2x]
Let me tell you...know...I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more than physical
What I need to feel from you.
[It's more than physical
What I need to get me through]
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought that no one cared
You're the answer to my prayers
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
CHORUS
