A Shattered Face To Hold The Door

I know that title might flash a scene where someone's face gets slammed into by a door...but even that picture was an afterthought for me. Simply...I use a shattered face to hold my bedroom door open. (It's a piece of a sculpture that was given to me as a gift and I use it as a door stop)

I slept at home last night and woke up to read a magazine. I don't read often so when I make a conscious effort to browse an article that has an eye-catching title it's almost as big a deal as the The Queen Mother passing gas in public.

It's nice to sit on my bed and be surrounded by the sound emanating from my speakers. Not having showered yet, sitting here like this is like bathing in sound waves and my body naturally starts to rhythmically move as each vibration can literally be felt on my skin. The tingles start. Little hairs start standing up as goosebumps form. My entire body becomes a gigantic nerve that excepts the musical stimuli and tears actually start to form in my eyes. I smile.

I need to make a more concerted effort to get back here regularly. It's Summer and I've been to the beach three times this year. What's wrong with me? Music, dancing, the beach & my friends.... I've let them all fall by the wayside with all of the time and effort I've been putting into work and my relationship. This is a familiar pattern. (As I type that I stare at the lights on the Winamp electronic oscillating frequency display. Beat. Beat. Beat...patterns) I should not make it sound as if my efforts are in vain. The allocation of time has all worked in my favor and now it's just a matter of balancing everything back out.

The article I read was in the the September issue of DETAILS magazine. Shia LaBeouf (who I love not for his acting but because his name has every vowel of the alphabet in it) is on the cover and apparently can't get laid. He was not my reason for reading. An article with the title, "Would You Marry A Porn Star? Meet Guys Who Did" caught my eye. One of the quotes that was blown up and printed in bold was, "Life with a XXX actress has its perks--hearing about her day isn't one of them." Even though it had a straight-focus, I figured the issues I deal with would be universal and after reading the article...They are. Usually people find comfort in relating that they are not alone and that there are other people out there dealing with the same things. I've never been comforted knowing that I'm like other people.

I find comfort right here--right now; in the brief dinner with Charlie last night and conversations of our colleagues; in the cuddles of J Squared; in the faces of babies giggling as they experience the world around them; in eating mountains of sugary ice cream; diving under a wave as its about to crash down on me and coming out the other side. I find a lot of comfort in sleeping.

I was going to go into work about noon today, but I really need the time away right now. I just spent the last hour reading different people's blogs--something else I never really do. I stopped when I came around to one that had a link back to my own journal and when I clicked on it I realized that my last entry was on the day before my promotion at work. In just under two months I've become the Assistant Manager of the place. I'm sensing all the things about work that I don't want to be dealing with as I start to form thoughts about what to write about it so I won't. I have one more month left of my evaluation period for the place before I make a stay or leave decision. I'm sticking to my initial 90 day commitment.

Time to cut the hair...

"Chasing Pavements" by Adele

The Incubation of Indulging

Push play and then begin reading... this may be a long entry and I figure you can listen to what I was listening to when I wrote it all...




Ok... here we go...

I have a family reunion of sorts coming up on July 26/27. It will also be Philip's 28th birthday that Sunday. I received the email today that mother has scheduled a sitting for photographs to be taken that weekend. The joy on my face right now... Back in the days of childhood when film had to be developed I may not have liked going to a photographer to put a fake smile on my face but at least I understood that--lacking the photography training & equipment--it was a necessary evil to be completed. However, in this awesome non-Aztec calendar year of 2008 pretty much everyone in the family has a digital camera quite capable of capturing our contrived smiles and instantly showing us whether we need to pose again for another take due to blinkage, random anamolies and the potential Disney ghost who stowed away in our image to leave the haunted house.

*shaking head*

A month ago I posted that I was starting a new job on June 18th. So much has happened in this first month and I've recited various specifics to different friends that trying to bullet point them right now feels like a chore. The important thing to note is that I am still enjoying myself. Below is the view from my front desk area...

My first week working on the property, one of my co-workers, Joseph, introduced me to a friend of his named Kyle. Both of them have been pleasant surprises resulting from taking this job. Various slychology babble espouses that it takes 21 days to form or break a habit. It would be no coincidence then that the amount of time Kyle and I have spent together over the last 21 days has put him in the forefront of my thoughts.

We seem to have met during a time of transition for both of us. For me, it's easy to want to romanticize outcomes. It always has been. When I know nothing about a person I will generally assume the best of intentions until actions prove to the contrary. However, even with this natural quixotic blueprint that I work from, I do have the ancient "Dead Relationship Scrolls" that clearly have lessons I have been taught recorded in blood, tears and sometimes even the screams of growing pains. Accordingly, I am trying to focus on the present so that I can learn and enjoy every moment.

I finished reading Kyle's online blog today. I started from the beginning and read every entry forward to the present. There have been times when we've been resting next to each other and I will look into his eyes and alternately see the forthright, confident social personality that is often readily observable by most but I also see the boy who writes semi-nostalgic entries about North Carolina and wonders if he will find someone who will not only someday be a Valentine, but a character of acceptance and support rather than judgment for the industries he works in. While I can completely understand this intellectually, I know it is a rare person (who is not a sociopath) who can embrace this emotionally. As is usually the case with any issue, being able to see both sides doesn't make me any wiser or knowledgeable; ultimately I just think more and more.

And so he is in my thoughts quite constantly.

Eddie and his gang from Las Vegas will be arriving tomorrow. Mark will be driving Nick up from Long Beach and meeting me at work until I'm off. The plan then is to meet up with Eddie's crew at The Abbey for Frenchy's bday drinks and just a general celebration of friendship. That is something that can never be praised too much in my mind. People's importance and value should be acknowledged. (But I wouldn't mind either if everyone could just start reading my mind so I wouldn't have to remind myself to speak up... haha)

The Thursday is here.... no more writing....