I left home during a time that I needed to for myself. A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers. It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind. My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more. I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc. For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves. Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about. Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone. (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)
With Sarah it was always different. There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was. I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself. I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day. I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it. The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room. I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself. Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends. It isn't something that can be forced. I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider. I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more that that I don't know. It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while. Ironic.
Anyway...I just felt like sharing. I know that was a bit heavy. On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch. Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids. Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc. Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however, there is the occasional babysitting... haha. This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q
I love you all very much.
j.r.me
