Snap out of it

8:17a.m. I was staring out into the ocean. I was calmed by the crashing of the waves to the sand. I was surrounded by the sun and dug my feet into the sand. There is always that sense of peace when a feeling is confirmed. (Even if the knowledge isn't something that I necessarily want to hear.)

On the drive to the beach I got a call from Nathan. Splintered as I have felt this past few weeks I've not been much of a friend to talk to for problems. It bothers me that I am not up to par, but at the same time I know & feel that he understands I am going through a lot in my mind. I often wonder why it's so difficult to tackle his demons. Then I look in the mirror and say that to myself.

Randy called me today with a response to my outpour last Sunday. He said that he was very much in love with Ryan. Good for him. Hearing him say it with the tone in his voice showed me how much he cared when he said it. Not just cared for Ryan, but being gentle in trying to explain it to me. The story from the night Lanny was here is holding true again. I've entered another boy's life and he's changed me and I him. Another stored heartbeat.

So how do I feel? I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I think I'm actually starting to come out of my slump, but this doesn't mean run out into the mix and try to find that relationship pool. It also means that I need to take more risks when it comes to people and not hold them at arm's distance. With school starting next month and a potential change in the shift I'll be working, I need to keep focused. More reading. ick..

Mountain Dew, Red Bull & Sky

10:33a.m. Some dreams.....in the nighttime... and some things... left unsaid... am I falling apart? Or just slowly self-destructing from within because I'm too afraid of looking in the mirror to accept what one may call cowardice and another calls salvation?

My room is scattered. Books tossed aside from last night's struggle to get wires in place and music to play. Hic. Hiccup. For a moment I think I might have to run to the bathroom, but that's not true and I stay here. My clock has been unplugged. I think I did that last night. There's a memory of sitting back on the couch and watching The Matrix, but I can't remember being put to bed. I am sad. ((long pause))

I picked up around my room to fill the pause and lack of words. I come back to the same thought that I don't want....that I have to call someone else to find out what occurred. I already spoke with Sebastian and he left in the middle of the movie which I vaguely remember. He informed me of my hand motions and Eddie saying something to me about it and Chuck elbowing him. I shudder to think what else might have leaked out as I was sitting next to Ken and Chuck there. Fuck...this not knowing.. the ringing in my ears. High I remember everythinig. Drunk... hit & miss. Time to call chuck...11:00a.m. Voice mail. Lovely.

No headache though. This is an improvement over last week? Not really. I just find more ways to poke at myself. Part of me doesn't want to go to Mark's show today because of my overall feeling, but a sense of obligation and a genuine interest in seeing the show exists. I plugged in the clock and set the alarm.

What will I do with the Snowdens of Yesteryear?

Daily Brief

I came here to find something. But I'm not here. (BEACH)

--Negative Thoughts-- (Driving)

Now another place and I'm not sure I'm here either but I feel something for the first time today. (Randy's Place)

Long standing Hope.

Aye eye EYE Aye

2:22a.m. Fated lovers share the emergency room. Such a shame that the hardships placed on one soul will build constructive programs in one head and destructive ones in another. I know Chuck loves him. It's clear. I still picture them in Las Vegas watching the Bellagio water show and that image crystalizes that love potential. The hard part is the work in desiring to continue. When being a boy doesn't mix well with learning to love.

Natalie Imbruglia speaks to me more than I ever knew. Haha. More than him? Are my doubts worthy or praise?

Julia Roberts: "If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"
Brad Pitt: "Never."
--from the movie "The Mexican"

That space afterwards

I never want to feel not wanted. Is that a double negative? I never want to feel unwanted. I don't want to make someone else feel that way either. Leaving the brunch yesterday I drove up PCH toward Huntington Beach. I parked on Magnolia and stared out toward the water. Air conditioner running. "I can't take this pain anymore." panged within. So I called Randy and let everything in my head out.

I feel better. Well enough to pay bills today. YaY! Dimetapp taking over now... eyes closing.


Troubled By The Way We Came Together
by: Natalie Imbruglia

From hand to hand you bought and sold
Blood is the shield against the weather
Became a stone for fear of being melted
Trouble from the day we came together

When you recover, from yesterdays low
True slave to traction of pleasure
I collect the embers as I watch you grow
You left along the way we came together

As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you star far from home
I will believe I will believe

Flames of love immerse you
Cradle and coerce you
Shadows overrun the place you play
Names of love remind along the way
Seems shallowed by the way we came together

My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together

As you breathe, as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe

Cause you are here today, and gone tomorrow
Basking in the fields of never never
You wanted today, mmm but I wanted forever
Troubled by the way we came together
My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together

As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray, as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe
Cause you are here today
And gone tomorrow

Seconds to Minutes to Hours

Air drying a little. Almost 9:30a.m. Shortly I'll be off to the Mother's Day Brunch that I've spent the last couple months putting together. Simple really, but finding out who was interested and then coordinating was a pain.

Oh my love you are not at the bottom of a drink. I'm not sure sure if I was trying to look for you there or running away from you. (Further) If you were sitting near me right now you would feel the heat. I felt it pulse and put a light sweat on my forehead. This head/heart disconnect is tearing me apart. And it's not the rain that falls off my chin.

Friendly Fill Ins

2:45p.m. I don't think I can hang my head any lower than it is at the moment. I'm on the phone with Chuck and he's filling in everything I have no memory of from last night. It is amazing how the mind will work to protect you. Selectively altering perception and completely leaving out sections to allow you to continue functioning.

What did I miss? I fell a couple times. I knocked drinks over and a speaker. I went running in the rain. I fell into a bush. I "disappeared" for a while--as Chuck put it. I was trying to come on to some kid who wasn't having it. Aye! I smoked a cigarrette...then left the bud hanging in my mouth for a while. Eeeww. I ran down the driveway dragging Eddie with me (then fell in the aforementioned bush). As they got in the car, I jumped on the hood and had my face on the windshield. I laugh now....but I probably would be one of the first to mention how messy "this person" was had I been witnessing it. If I were a social butterfly, I think this would be the beginnings of my pariah period. But, since I'm not... I figure it's just another night swept clean under the rug. Down the gutter with the rain.

Valley Party

7:17a.m. I'm slumped over to th left. Back seat of Chuck's car. I don't know the time right away, nor where I am exactly. Flourescent lighting all around, I quickly figure it's parking garage. It reminds me of living in Anaheim. Very similar feel. Pipe lining the ceiling. An intense sensation of having to use the restroom. I'm wearing my zipper-up black shirt/jacket. This was not what I was wearing at the party the night before. The pull-over shirt/jacket I was wearing is next to me. The ProPel water bottle I had purchased at the gas station the night before was near my feet. I know that I'm still dizzy/drunk. I put my head back down and try to sleep.

What's the last thing I remember? Cute boys. Big house. Drinking. I think we were outside. Oh shit...another blackout night. Not good. Now I have to call to fill in the blank period.

When I got home, I felt sick. I went to the shower and tried to stretch/meditate like I normally do in the mornings. It was successful in quashing the nausea, but not in centering me. I dryed of quickly, towel around waist, into the room, towel thrown about the chair and laid down in my bed.

1:20p.m. I wake up nude in bed, curled up in a ball. I'm cold. I fumble for the blanket and am instantly warm, but know I can't stay in this comfortable position. I call work and get my confirmation number for sick time. ::::Interesting side note to myself, typing this entire entry is a series of wrong keys being pushed and typos. I'm having to stop every 5th or 6th word to correct myself. My fingers are not steady.::::::

It rained last night. It's gray out my window now. I feel a headache around my frontal lobe extending like an olive wreathe around my crown. Asprin, Ibuprofen or that Aleeve stuff? (Naproxy Sodium?) Maybe one of each. Hmm... now for that phone call and my memory back.

Dose #2

I wake up before the alarm. Sore throat--dry. Retainer still glued intact, the aching pain that is bareable to me but would cause another to whine and run for the ibuprofen. ((Although I should probably take some now to lessen the ache later)) The number one side effect has already begun. Why is it that 40% of people on anti-depressants have some sort of sexual interferance? With me it's an increased desire to have it, but an almost impossible task to finish. I think that if I meditate on the subject for a while the answer will come. ahahahahaha

Naptime.

May Day! May Day!

1:40a.m. May Day! May Day! My landing gear is down and the chairs are in their fully upright position. There is something in me that is giving in; throwing in the towel. I've had the means all this time. It's what people all over fail to see, including myself. It's the answer that is in front of you that you don't want to see even when it's pressing into your heart, burning you, running you over.

I awoke yesterday (Wednesday) in the mental state of not wanting to move from bed. It was an effort to press snooze on the alarm clock. I wanted to turn it off, but sanity prevailed and knew that I would eventually have to get up for work. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Reset alarm for later time. Snooze. Finally I did turn the alarm off, but only because I knew that I was awake---but still immobile. I hate this feeling. I hate the horrible state of not being about to make a decision or choose something. I feel helpless which makes me angry which drains my energy which perpetuates this cycle. A DECISION WAS MADE. No work today. Confirmation #157ICS. lol

My hair is growing back from the last head shave. It's in the pre-in-between stage. I'll pretty much not be able to do anything with it for the next 2 weeks as it grows to a spiking length.

I showered and shaved. I can look in the mirror and feel good about how I look, but the reflection doesn't mesh with the feeling. The feeling is dark and painful. The reflection reminds me that there is something beautiful inside that is wilted but is not dead completely. I WANT OUT AGAIN. I want to play. I want to be free. I want to love. I want to feel like a part of something greater than myself.

I drove down PCH to Dana Point and met with my mother briefly. I felt an instinctual need to be around her; nearness to origin. The ocean induces that feeling also. I left her and drove back up PCH. At the point of decision between going to Huntington Beach or turning up MacArthur and going home, I chose the home route. I stopped at Target and spent over an hour walking around the store. Nothing specific in mind other than I wanted to use the gift certificates that I had.

After Target, back in my room and I'm spinning for some solution. I grab my travel bag and take out the Prozac from last year and dose. I then call the refill line and get a refill for tomorrow. 10-day supply left here. The effects should be noticeable by the time I have my appointment in 22 days. This is the thing that has been here with me, in front of my face forever and I have just never used it. I have always avoided being on medication. This is the thing in me that has lost and hopefully it is a loss that will benefit me overall.

2:43a.m. I promised myself to start wearing my retainer. It's only been....oh... 3 years since I've tried to put it in my mouth. Were it not for the Nyquil right now, the simple OUCH that I feel might be.. OH FUCK!

I hope for hope.
I hope to dream.