Hidden & Seeking

"Religion is a smile on a dog."
-Edie Brickell

It has begun. No, it has become more visible. I just got off the phone with Cardwell and it looks like I won't be seeing him this weekend. He isn't coming out this evening and not going to join for any celebrations tomorrow. Instead, he's staying home and preparing food and I was invited to join. He mentioned that Rey and Adam were invited. In my head I already had plans to go to Arturo's or possibly Hamburger Mary's with Ken. The negative energy that I tolerate from Randy has always been due to the connection that I feel. I can relate. I know of his true goodness to be there for another person regardless of the shell that could kill. But this shell is less tolerable to me when I'm on meds. Either I'm more sensitive to his negative words or I'm more tuned into them because I'm less afraid of thinking and feeling exactly what enters. It has never been worth a confrontation because I know how it will play out. Defense mechanisms go into place and evil words come out of his mouth. I realize now that it has not begun, it has been going on for a long time.

Another person cannot hold you back, only you can do that. That's a lofty self-help book scribbling somewhere, I'm sure. When the goals trying to be obtained are those which do not require the aid or approval of someone else, this may be true. When we speak about being in relationships where the other person "keeps" us in a place, this may have validity but with exceptions. Sometimes our connections with people become such a part of us that we do not have the ability to move away from them so easily. To do so hurts us, pains us, takes a tremendous amount of strength and energy that may ultimately prove to be more damaging to us. I know that whatever reason I'm hanging around this blue ball I have not finished connecting streams of energy that are diverted in others.

What happens to a person who realizes that they have an infinite number of streams running through them?

I look through the names on my phone and realize that there are few people that I actually talk to.

I heard a story on the radio a few days ago. In it someone said that we wouldn't wipe a piece of paper over something in our house and consider it clean. What do we wipe our asses with?

Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me, instead of trying to see each or all of them and make a decision I'm just supposed to enjoy the time. That's a maybe that is a quick thought and one that I don't entertain much because I know that as soon as someone's emotions intertwine with my life and I'm not at the same place then I begin to feel a pain of knowing that I have to be honest with them. Maybe when there is more than one person who shows interest in me I am supposed to remember the lessons of the past and how ultimately this happiness that I find in being single is one that I'm meant to maintain stability in. Somehow that just seems a cop out to me. Not that I don't think there are people who truly are happy being single, but I'm just not sure that I am that person. The truth... Part of me probably is that person and part of me is not and the two are not compatible but they go round and round trying to be. One will not defer to the other.

This song came to me when I woke up this morning so I listened to it on continuous repeat for a while. Then I sang it in the shower. And here it is to end this entry.


"You Make It Easy"
by Air

Never been here - How about you ?
You smile at my answer,
You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.

You leave me laughing without crying,
There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,
Love has never felt as good.

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...

How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
How did I find you ?
How can this be true ?
To be held and understood.

Keep it coming - no one's running
The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved
By the trust that always could

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy...
So watch me fall in love.