All that glitters is sometimes Silver.

I saw BT spin for $10. It's a random sentence for a random occurrence. I was having a spontaneous dinner @ Marix with Eddy. Cardwell--as is normal when in deep sleep--did not answer his phone to join.

In a 24hr span, I found myself in West Hollywood surrounded by lesbians at the dinner table and then sitting on the concrete/brick steps in front of the Long Beach Performing Arts Center watching the water fountains. In that time, there was a lot of talk about purpose...and finding one's own purpose in life. I remember that haunting me for a long time. I sometimes forget that Eddy is 21, at the same age I was when I dated Chuck and at a time when I was truly coming into understanding that the world was not all that I had thought it to be. Even my journals from that time are sparce because I wasn't sure from one day to the next where my path was leading me. I didn't trust myself enough to follow my instincts. I didn't know enough to trust my head and my heart was beating too fast to catch it.

I woke up this afternoon with a renewed interest in seeing the "special edition" of my Moulin Rouge DVD so I went downstairs and began going through the 2nd DVD. Videos, extended dance routines, a lil on the behind the scenes making-of stuff. What I found myself really wanting to watch were the chapter sequences of "Your Song" and "Come What May." Music and/or song really does communicate on a different level. If I were to read the words from those chapters or simply watch the actors speak the words to each other, it wouldn't make me cry. But alone, snuggled up to cushions with the surround sound up loud so that you can hear every breath and quiver in the performance it strikes locks in my head and little trickles are formed. I think of the kind of love that I am capable of giving....and then the thoughts of "purpose" float back.

I've long held a belief that I was never meant for one person, though this is the social belief I was raised to have. So fighting an instinct that has no way of being tangible and the years of conditioning from culture is noisome to the psyche if I were to let both sides wage all out aggression. I think I've tried to deny my instinct here for a long time. When I say not one person, I don't mean the antithesis, that I should run around slutting around---what I mean is that I've always had this sense that I come into someone's life as there is some change happening and I'm there for a reason and then I move on or they do, or we both do. In most cases I maintian my friendship with them, but it's not the relationship that was ever meant to be sustained. If I could come to terms and truly believe that, then I might live a life in that purpose and be rid of this other side that wants the house, kids, marriage license and the Summer vacations together. hahaha... good luck on that dream ever fading away.

While having dinner, Eddy & I shared a Kick Ass pitcher of Midori Margaritas. I called Jenny (Nathan's cousin) and she's the one who said she could get us on the guest list for BT. Why not? I was feeling spontaneous with that ever nagging sense of responsibility in the back of my head.

The event was being held at Avalon, the same place where about a month ago I had spent time for Unity. Gay events and straight events at this same venue have their differences and similarities. All the straight guys keep their shirts on. Only girls dance on the boxes. But on both nights, people were high, having sex in the dark corners and balconies, but most of all, dancing in that cosmic togetherness where strangers smile and talk to strangers and no matter how you move to the music, your movement is a positive force circulating.

In a couple hours there will be people here for Movie Night. A few hours after that I will be at work.

Do you know what a hapster is?