A week ago I interviewed for a position in the Marketing Department and yesterday after lunch I was notified that I got it. =) I also bought a new car on Sunday.
So much can happen in such a short time. And...little can happen over a long period of time. I tend to think that there is no real rhyme or reason. Yes, I took actions to get the job & the car....but I could have just as easily taken action and nothing happen. I've also sat by before and waited for something to happen...and it did.
I'm broken, as Lanny would say. Maybe that's accurate. I was asked last night why I was single. I laughed. I joked. Ultimately, I said, "I'm single because I'm difficult, so I guess in a round about way it's by choice." I am difficult....but more than that I'm "shifty." (Perhaps not the definition that you're thinking of right now or the real definition of the word at all.) I'm shifty in my moods. Today I will be very passionate about something and tomorrow it's commonplace. I've not lost interests in whatever that is, but I surely have not done anything to show interest necessarily.
Last Thursday I told Art that I would buy a new car and drive to Florida to live. Yesterday I decided that he can drive here. I think that neither one of us can really leave our environments. I think that each of us does love each other. I want myself to find complete happiness and I want him to find that too. I want to find it here. And that's the decision of the day. (Which makes visiting painful.)
And what of the boy that I think I described in a previous entry as "not being able to give me what I need..." (I think I said that. I don't think he's in any better position than before, but I'm still there in my head. Sucks. It sucks... it does.
I look back on the acid trip and I see the child at play. The mouse that I use is one that Steve gave me and is a little car, like a kid's car. I need to find more ways to exercise this child out. I've been doing a lot of good for myself lately. I also have to be careful not to let the child out too much...haha. There is that thing about balance.
Lunch Time. hmm... yeah
j.r.me
Tuesday, August 29, 2000
Saturday, August 26, 2000
Candy Flip
I'm amazed that I'm still awake... Shortly, I must grant my body's request for sleep as ignoring it would be most stupid and irresponsible.
Last night (Thursday Night) I went out dancing at Rage w/Nathan. Earlier in the night there was a candy purchase wherein I was given a free "smurf" paper tab to try for my first experience. The tab was placed in the plastic baggy with the candy.
About 12:30, we retreated to my car to rest a moment and Nathan halfed a "TT". The other half was placed back in the baggy. I decided, "Why the hell not?" and asked for the other half. As I put it in my mouth, I felt more than just the E....there was the tab of acid on my tongue as well!!! A quick panic feeling went through me and then the calm that I previously felt when renting a U-Haul with Lanny to take care of jeep breakdown crisis in Alabama. I figured that there was nothing I could do, so I had better put myself in a good mindframe to start whatever journey should lie in store.
I took the blue stuffed animal keychain that Sarah had given me off of my dashboard and put it around my finger to have near me for the rest of the night. I believe this had the effect that I wanted because I felt quite secure.
Rage promptly closed around 1:45 and I had not yet experienced anything different, but then as we started to walk out of the building, the RAGE sign underneath the DJ booth began to change shape. It was very subtle, but noticeable. Nathan & I proceeded to Vons and I began to become fascinated by the most whimsical thoughts. I defintely saw the childlike impulses that I so often hide away begin to show. One, was grabbing folding chairs off of the shelf display and setting it down in the aisle to sit on. I was quite content to remain there for several minutes without speaking and just staring into nothingness. Swirls and thoughts passing in and out of my head; like watching a movie where the frames are not continuous but rather jumping from scene to scene.
After my "Alice in Wonderland" moment of sitting on the chair that seemed so small, we proceeded to SPIKE. It's here that everything began to take complete shape. My natural ability to vibe people's character, enhanced already by the E was now brought to a new level by peering at people's faces. Nathan's face was not surprisingly very bright and almost "angelic." A very positive and clear complexion each time I would take a moment to focus on him. In contrast, a boy who I have seen many times at Rage, always dancing in a "group" of boys in quite a sexual manner, donned a quite different visage. My instinct has always told me that he had an underlying "bad boy" or "trouble label" associated with him. When I felt his eyes on me and I stared back, I could see every vein & capillary in his face. Dark, purple & black lines, giving him a quite evil appearance. It was not scary at all, just revealing. As could be expected, the lack of control was unsettling for me toward the end of the night. Each time I would sit, I felt small...like a child in an oversized chair. This same feeling ensued when getting into my passenger seat for the drive home. Unlike E, where I can sober myself in a matter of seconds if I need to think clearly, tripping is a ride that you wait until you're brain is finished. This obviously tackles my control issues. I look at my hands again....how old they are becomming still. j.r.me
Last night (Thursday Night) I went out dancing at Rage w/Nathan. Earlier in the night there was a candy purchase wherein I was given a free "smurf" paper tab to try for my first experience. The tab was placed in the plastic baggy with the candy.
About 12:30, we retreated to my car to rest a moment and Nathan halfed a "TT". The other half was placed back in the baggy. I decided, "Why the hell not?" and asked for the other half. As I put it in my mouth, I felt more than just the E....there was the tab of acid on my tongue as well!!! A quick panic feeling went through me and then the calm that I previously felt when renting a U-Haul with Lanny to take care of jeep breakdown crisis in Alabama. I figured that there was nothing I could do, so I had better put myself in a good mindframe to start whatever journey should lie in store.
I took the blue stuffed animal keychain that Sarah had given me off of my dashboard and put it around my finger to have near me for the rest of the night. I believe this had the effect that I wanted because I felt quite secure.
Rage promptly closed around 1:45 and I had not yet experienced anything different, but then as we started to walk out of the building, the RAGE sign underneath the DJ booth began to change shape. It was very subtle, but noticeable. Nathan & I proceeded to Vons and I began to become fascinated by the most whimsical thoughts. I defintely saw the childlike impulses that I so often hide away begin to show. One, was grabbing folding chairs off of the shelf display and setting it down in the aisle to sit on. I was quite content to remain there for several minutes without speaking and just staring into nothingness. Swirls and thoughts passing in and out of my head; like watching a movie where the frames are not continuous but rather jumping from scene to scene.
After my "Alice in Wonderland" moment of sitting on the chair that seemed so small, we proceeded to SPIKE. It's here that everything began to take complete shape. My natural ability to vibe people's character, enhanced already by the E was now brought to a new level by peering at people's faces. Nathan's face was not surprisingly very bright and almost "angelic." A very positive and clear complexion each time I would take a moment to focus on him. In contrast, a boy who I have seen many times at Rage, always dancing in a "group" of boys in quite a sexual manner, donned a quite different visage. My instinct has always told me that he had an underlying "bad boy" or "trouble label" associated with him. When I felt his eyes on me and I stared back, I could see every vein & capillary in his face. Dark, purple & black lines, giving him a quite evil appearance. It was not scary at all, just revealing. As could be expected, the lack of control was unsettling for me toward the end of the night. Each time I would sit, I felt small...like a child in an oversized chair. This same feeling ensued when getting into my passenger seat for the drive home. Unlike E, where I can sober myself in a matter of seconds if I need to think clearly, tripping is a ride that you wait until you're brain is finished. This obviously tackles my control issues. I look at my hands again....how old they are becomming still. j.r.me
Sunday, August 20, 2000
Sand (On The Beach)
BE.
Sounds of familiarity breeds comfort. I remember advice about pushing one's self beyond my comfort zone in order to grow. This holds in line with the idea that we are always growing and changing and similarly that if we are not...that somehow we are stagnant in contentment. Another point of view is that attaining a level of contentment and maintaining is the ultimate goal to achieve and that continuing change for change's sake is a way of clouding ones' life. All of it is nonsense in the end, for whether I die in contentment or on a rung of the growing ladder, I've died and it's over. Whatever bits of wisdom I have passed along ultimately are lost or passed on. Hmm... such a down thought. But enjoy. Always enjoy---being fatalistic just serves to be dead already.
*****
*****
THE MORNING PARTY @ Laguna's West Beach. I've put myself in this environment because I'm scared right now. I've been talking with Lanny (e-mail) and feelings that won't go away are pressing harder into consciousness. So here I am, surrounded by throngs of bodies, sex lacing each ocean breeze, and a party to wrap it all up. Not even being here can really help to escape. I know that. This illusion isn't much of one when another part of the brain is insistent on being honest with myself.
What am I to do? One foot in heaven and the other in the grave. These angels flailing all around me. The sailboat goes by and I look for my own wind.
Sounds of familiarity breeds comfort. I remember advice about pushing one's self beyond my comfort zone in order to grow. This holds in line with the idea that we are always growing and changing and similarly that if we are not...that somehow we are stagnant in contentment. Another point of view is that attaining a level of contentment and maintaining is the ultimate goal to achieve and that continuing change for change's sake is a way of clouding ones' life. All of it is nonsense in the end, for whether I die in contentment or on a rung of the growing ladder, I've died and it's over. Whatever bits of wisdom I have passed along ultimately are lost or passed on. Hmm... such a down thought. But enjoy. Always enjoy---being fatalistic just serves to be dead already.
*****
*****
THE MORNING PARTY @ Laguna's West Beach. I've put myself in this environment because I'm scared right now. I've been talking with Lanny (e-mail) and feelings that won't go away are pressing harder into consciousness. So here I am, surrounded by throngs of bodies, sex lacing each ocean breeze, and a party to wrap it all up. Not even being here can really help to escape. I know that. This illusion isn't much of one when another part of the brain is insistent on being honest with myself.
What am I to do? One foot in heaven and the other in the grave. These angels flailing all around me. The sailboat goes by and I look for my own wind.
Friday, August 18, 2000
Eternity
Yeah...a year. Tomorrow I goto JuJuBeats, but not as a 2nd time partier and virgin to the rave scene. Tomorrow I enter onto a transformed scene, one that my old hands are greatful for infusing with my life.
It's helped to teach me the importance of friendship over career pursuits. I should never have lost that simplicity. But now that I see again, I realize that my peers are those grown-ups that I so never wanted to be. It's a catch......and one until death they will not relinquish.
I'm wearing his ring again. It feels like it was never off. It means more than I'm lonely--I am. I'll be surrounded by friends tonight at D.R.'s place, but still I'll be lonely. The ring means that I cannot run anymore unless running means running back to finish. The Cottage. (Legend)
It's helped to teach me the importance of friendship over career pursuits. I should never have lost that simplicity. But now that I see again, I realize that my peers are those grown-ups that I so never wanted to be. It's a catch......and one until death they will not relinquish.
I'm wearing his ring again. It feels like it was never off. It means more than I'm lonely--I am. I'll be surrounded by friends tonight at D.R.'s place, but still I'll be lonely. The ring means that I cannot run anymore unless running means running back to finish. The Cottage. (Legend)
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
Faith
Eeew...stress = acne. Blah!
WAITING (Reprise)
by G. Michael
Well there ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that I have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul
All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say that I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them
So they're not so strong
You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?
Well there's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
Now I know there's no way I can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And I guess there's a road without you
But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here I am
Don't people change, here I am
Is it too late to try again
Here I am
WAITING (Reprise)
by G. Michael
Well there ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that I have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul
All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say that I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them
So they're not so strong
You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?
Well there's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
Now I know there's no way I can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And I guess there's a road without you
But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here I am
Don't people change, here I am
Is it too late to try again
Here I am
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
LoveHeadAche
MY NIGHT'S WORTH OF IM-ING. THIS DAY WAS DRAINING ENOUGH LOSING MY CAR TO THE DEALERSHIP FOR DIAGNOSTICS...SPINNING MY WHEELS LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB...COUNTING OUT CHANGE TO EAT DINNER. I JUST WANTED TO SOME PEACE AND QUIET BEFORE BEDTIME. INSTEAD, I HAVE TEARS...AND A CONVERSATION THAT I CANNOT RUN FROM.
EarthGenre: ((cry))
EarthGenre: <---drinking a Corona
EarthGenre: Okay...no more beer... beer smells like piss. eeww
JJsbeachboy: not now
EarthGenre: sure
JJsbeachboy: oo so your drunk ..and after all this time .. when your drunk you deccide to im me??? so tipical of you .. when it is conveinent for jer.. never mind what everyone else feels or thinks or want .. how shitty of you ... you should be ashamed
EarthGenre: I'm not drunk...I've had 1 1/2 beers.
EarthGenre: I never see you on here. So I never have the opportunity to IM you.
EarthGenre: Nevermind....I can't say anything that's right to you anyway.... we always twists each others words around.
JJsbeachboy: save you opp for another fool,
JJsbeachboy: i cant deal............. with you or this life for that matter
EarthGenre: I can't either.....I'm at the bottom right now.
JJsbeachboy: just get over me
EarthGenre: Do you have a magic potion or something?
JJsbeachboy: you got your self there the day you left me
JJsbeachboy: very funny
EarthGenre: the day you left me
JJsbeachboy: why or you men all the same
JJsbeachboy: i never left you.
EarthGenre: Yes... you did. Read
JJsbeachboy: you ended it..like always........i took a breather.. so i wouldnt hurt you. give me some credit
JJsbeachboy: im not perfect i tried to love im just not capable
JJsbeachboy: and your as broken as I
EarthGenre: . I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it."
JJsbeachboy: i cant do thiis.. my kife ... im not strong enough any more your love wore me down...
JJsbeachboy: im jadded ... broken
JJsbeachboy: i cant keep feeling...
EarthGenre: I'm not jaded.... I'm very sad because I feel like I've failed. I'm very angry because I keep thinking, "what if I did this.... or this... or that..." and I can't stop thinking.
JJsbeachboy: maybe we are meant for each other.. maybe we are not i dont ... i cant trust my heart any more i have to close this chapter
JJsbeachboy: your killing me
EarthGenre: ((crying))
JJsbeachboy: i want to come home>>>>>
EarthGenre: I want the same thing
EarthGenre: ((cry))
EarthGenre: <---drinking a Corona
EarthGenre: Okay...no more beer... beer smells like piss. eeww
JJsbeachboy: not now
EarthGenre: sure
JJsbeachboy: oo so your drunk ..and after all this time .. when your drunk you deccide to im me??? so tipical of you .. when it is conveinent for jer.. never mind what everyone else feels or thinks or want .. how shitty of you ... you should be ashamed
EarthGenre: I'm not drunk...I've had 1 1/2 beers.
EarthGenre: I never see you on here. So I never have the opportunity to IM you.
EarthGenre: Nevermind....I can't say anything that's right to you anyway.... we always twists each others words around.
JJsbeachboy: save you opp for another fool,
JJsbeachboy: i cant deal............. with you or this life for that matter
EarthGenre: I can't either.....I'm at the bottom right now.
JJsbeachboy: just get over me
EarthGenre: Do you have a magic potion or something?
JJsbeachboy: you got your self there the day you left me
JJsbeachboy: very funny
EarthGenre: the day you left me
JJsbeachboy: why or you men all the same
JJsbeachboy: i never left you.
EarthGenre: Yes... you did. Read
JJsbeachboy: you ended it..like always........i took a breather.. so i wouldnt hurt you. give me some credit
JJsbeachboy: im not perfect i tried to love im just not capable
JJsbeachboy: and your as broken as I
EarthGenre: . I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it."
JJsbeachboy: i cant do thiis.. my kife ... im not strong enough any more your love wore me down...
JJsbeachboy: im jadded ... broken
JJsbeachboy: i cant keep feeling...
EarthGenre: I'm not jaded.... I'm very sad because I feel like I've failed. I'm very angry because I keep thinking, "what if I did this.... or this... or that..." and I can't stop thinking.
JJsbeachboy: maybe we are meant for each other.. maybe we are not i dont ... i cant trust my heart any more i have to close this chapter
JJsbeachboy: your killing me
EarthGenre: ((crying))
JJsbeachboy: i want to come home>>>>>
EarthGenre: I want the same thing
Sunday, August 13, 2000
Las Vegas
The sun has fallen down behind the rocky Western wall, parallel to the 15 FWY. The valley begins to color the dusk hues. Some hard hitting trancitic sounds are streaming through Nathan's car and I'm so inspired right now. I can feel a well of tears behind my eyes. But why should I be sad? Perhaps it is not sadness at all. Perhaps the convergence of too many emotions at once leaves me with few other forms of expression.
STATE LINE...we cross it. And I still think I'm building bridges that lost their stilts.
We're returning home from a 36 hour stay in Las Vegas. Enough time to be down $100, spend some time with Aries & Art, meet up for a talk with Darrin and enjoy some solitude along the strip.
With sunglasses off, I still have some light to write by. Always these road trips give me fuel for words. Art's house sold on Saturday. Now begins the process of moving crap back to my mom's/brother's house. Joy.
The talk. I'm seeing the sun right now and though it looks another color---pinkish---it's only the setting and position in the sky that makes it look different. It felt good to talk, but I don't really know what it changes. I'm still in conflict with myself and he's still himself.
Red sky bye. Beautiful. I love too much. "Who's your daddy?"
j.r.me
STATE LINE...we cross it. And I still think I'm building bridges that lost their stilts.
We're returning home from a 36 hour stay in Las Vegas. Enough time to be down $100, spend some time with Aries & Art, meet up for a talk with Darrin and enjoy some solitude along the strip.
With sunglasses off, I still have some light to write by. Always these road trips give me fuel for words. Art's house sold on Saturday. Now begins the process of moving crap back to my mom's/brother's house. Joy.
The talk. I'm seeing the sun right now and though it looks another color---pinkish---it's only the setting and position in the sky that makes it look different. It felt good to talk, but I don't really know what it changes. I'm still in conflict with myself and he's still himself.
Red sky bye. Beautiful. I love too much. "Who's your daddy?"
j.r.me
Wednesday, August 09, 2000
Chumpy
(I think that was the time that I was born)
It's been a stressful week. I became ill because of the stress and am in "cough-recovery" mode right now. Having felt the pressure--mainly of work--I decided to charge it head on and get rid of it. The good part is that all weights are lifted off of me. The bad part is that nothing has really changed other than I've aired out my thoughts and Management now has to decide what steps to take to fix the issues. Corporate America can kiss my ass as soon as my debts are paid off.
I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend with Nathan. We'll be leaving Saturday Morning and turning around to come back on Sunday Night. So I've gotta turn my $20 in to $200... lol yeah right.
DanceSafe continues to grow... and the one year anniversary approaches for Jeremy being somehow "in" the rave scene.
Strangers are talking to me for some reason; people that I've always "vibed" as disliking me. I wonder why that is. I wonder if there's really no reason at all and it's just happening.
I'm still "open for dating." LoL If we could just pick and choose the traits of each person...
Cheers...jeers
j.r.me
It's been a stressful week. I became ill because of the stress and am in "cough-recovery" mode right now. Having felt the pressure--mainly of work--I decided to charge it head on and get rid of it. The good part is that all weights are lifted off of me. The bad part is that nothing has really changed other than I've aired out my thoughts and Management now has to decide what steps to take to fix the issues. Corporate America can kiss my ass as soon as my debts are paid off.
I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend with Nathan. We'll be leaving Saturday Morning and turning around to come back on Sunday Night. So I've gotta turn my $20 in to $200... lol yeah right.
DanceSafe continues to grow... and the one year anniversary approaches for Jeremy being somehow "in" the rave scene.
Strangers are talking to me for some reason; people that I've always "vibed" as disliking me. I wonder why that is. I wonder if there's really no reason at all and it's just happening.
I'm still "open for dating." LoL If we could just pick and choose the traits of each person...
Cheers...jeers
j.r.me
Tuesday, August 01, 2000
Nine Lives
A year has come and gone. I think my experimentation phase is over. I no longer see any insights; I do not inspect the makings of me for a betterment. I am quite spry in knowing. I know what to trust. I know who.
I am supposed to write The Twilight Club and let them know of my life. I supposed I should give them the link to this diary. How often would they read it?
Work is becoming even more cumbersome now that my job has expanded to include a highly "accounting" function. I've responded with efficiency, candor, and by filling out a job requisition for another department. My interview is in an hour.
I feel very dizzy right now. It worsens each time I stand up. I'm trying to stay seated. I'll probably leave after the interview and go home to sleep. Ick.
My last entry was totally in the thralls of 4 days on E. No emotional boundaries. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know it was real. But people are never completely real and there are social reasons for that. We take the good with the bad. I'm so tired.
I am supposed to write The Twilight Club and let them know of my life. I supposed I should give them the link to this diary. How often would they read it?
Work is becoming even more cumbersome now that my job has expanded to include a highly "accounting" function. I've responded with efficiency, candor, and by filling out a job requisition for another department. My interview is in an hour.
I feel very dizzy right now. It worsens each time I stand up. I'm trying to stay seated. I'll probably leave after the interview and go home to sleep. Ick.
My last entry was totally in the thralls of 4 days on E. No emotional boundaries. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know it was real. But people are never completely real and there are social reasons for that. We take the good with the bad. I'm so tired.
