Trust Instinct. I've been trying hard to fight that this last week. I'm at the point now where I can't fight myself anymore because I know that he can't give me what I need.
Realization...not rationalization. "I have truth on my side. You only have deceit."--You'll See [Madonna]
The flaky boy called last night. What does he think I'm going to do? Backflips? I tried to be nice, but I've spent too much time there.
Where the fuck am I at 25 1/2? And where am I going?
j.r.me
Sunday, July 30, 2000
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
Eight
It was Gina Buford that got me involved in this rave scene. We had a class together in Spring of '99. She told me about JuJuBeats... well, the rest is history.
All these funny feelings inside. I can see myself disecting the emotion instead of just feeling it. That sickens me. We don't encourage enough playfulness as we get older. I think I'll go and get him a card.
I watched Ellen's new comedy stand-up performance last night. Laughed... laughed. "The wrong kind of people."
I applied to register @ OCC yesterday. I think I'll end up just continuing @ Fullerton until I know where I'm definitely living. It looks like Chino/Chino Hills through the end of the year anyway. Probably best.
Now....let's see if I can start this motorcycle research.
j.r.me
All these funny feelings inside. I can see myself disecting the emotion instead of just feeling it. That sickens me. We don't encourage enough playfulness as we get older. I think I'll go and get him a card.
I watched Ellen's new comedy stand-up performance last night. Laughed... laughed. "The wrong kind of people."
I applied to register @ OCC yesterday. I think I'll end up just continuing @ Fullerton until I know where I'm definitely living. It looks like Chino/Chino Hills through the end of the year anyway. Probably best.
Now....let's see if I can start this motorcycle research.
j.r.me
Sunday, July 23, 2000
Seventh Heaven
Drinkin' bottled water...replenishing what this heated valley has taken from me as I've just sat in front of this computer and written e-mails.
The second date was intense. Coming off my high from tabling for DanceSafe on the street corner in West Hollywood, we met up in Chino Hills around 2:30am and took our rolls at 3am. I'd never specifically done that with one other person before. It truly is amazing the openness that is shared....but in addition to that for me, it showed me that I'm gravitating again toward the same pattern in my life.
He's sweet. I see that in him. He's caught up in so many woven intricacies that go against my "No Drama" belief. I sense a history too....but no one's past is solely open for deciding my feelings about them. A past is a story of how you got to today; not necessarily of which road you will take tomorrow.
Slow...slow...the brakes on my car are not the only thing that don't work well. I've never been one for patience here and age has not produced any wisdom here.
I think it's time to start helping mother move.
I think it's time for me to move.
Move.
j.r.me
The second date was intense. Coming off my high from tabling for DanceSafe on the street corner in West Hollywood, we met up in Chino Hills around 2:30am and took our rolls at 3am. I'd never specifically done that with one other person before. It truly is amazing the openness that is shared....but in addition to that for me, it showed me that I'm gravitating again toward the same pattern in my life.
He's sweet. I see that in him. He's caught up in so many woven intricacies that go against my "No Drama" belief. I sense a history too....but no one's past is solely open for deciding my feelings about them. A past is a story of how you got to today; not necessarily of which road you will take tomorrow.
Slow...slow...the brakes on my car are not the only thing that don't work well. I've never been one for patience here and age has not produced any wisdom here.
I think it's time to start helping mother move.
I think it's time for me to move.
Move.
j.r.me
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Sixth Sense
"Whisper of a Thrill" (A Joe Black reference)
In my original nature....I trust and bond very easily. Over time, I've learned to shield this vulnerability from the harshness of wayward personalities. Supplying that kind of energy is often times not worth just taking chances.
So I started what seemed like a destructive path a few weeks ago; opening up to all sorts of connections and highways. In being open, I'm finding instant attachments--like chemicals being dumped into a beaker to find out which ones will form compounds.
Energy. There is a certain amount in us all and over time it leaves us, being left with people & places that we've been. Sure enough we gain some from other people and places, and when it's gone, so are we. THEORY... People mate for many reasons: love, arrangement, stability, dominance, etc....but what I've seen with my own patterns is an exchange. I've given some of the energy that was needed by someone else and in turn I've been fueled by an engery that I lacked. This phenomenon is ubiquitous for me.
Steve made a comment yesterday during one of his smoke breaks with Marlowe that he knows when I'm depressed because I act happy. Hahaha... Perhaps there's some truth to this backwards display, but if he sees me today and thinks that I'm happy with this misdirection then he'd be wrong. I'm happy today because I had a wonderful date last night and I'm looking forward to the next. It's been a long time since a date actually gave me this feeling. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that he's witty, "hella cute" (lol), and when I look into his eyes to read, I see that energy.
j.r.me
In my original nature....I trust and bond very easily. Over time, I've learned to shield this vulnerability from the harshness of wayward personalities. Supplying that kind of energy is often times not worth just taking chances.
So I started what seemed like a destructive path a few weeks ago; opening up to all sorts of connections and highways. In being open, I'm finding instant attachments--like chemicals being dumped into a beaker to find out which ones will form compounds.
Energy. There is a certain amount in us all and over time it leaves us, being left with people & places that we've been. Sure enough we gain some from other people and places, and when it's gone, so are we. THEORY... People mate for many reasons: love, arrangement, stability, dominance, etc....but what I've seen with my own patterns is an exchange. I've given some of the energy that was needed by someone else and in turn I've been fueled by an engery that I lacked. This phenomenon is ubiquitous for me.
Steve made a comment yesterday during one of his smoke breaks with Marlowe that he knows when I'm depressed because I act happy. Hahaha... Perhaps there's some truth to this backwards display, but if he sees me today and thinks that I'm happy with this misdirection then he'd be wrong. I'm happy today because I had a wonderful date last night and I'm looking forward to the next. It's been a long time since a date actually gave me this feeling. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that he's witty, "hella cute" (lol), and when I look into his eyes to read, I see that energy.
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 18, 2000
Five Senses
I took yesterday off from work. Three day weekends are really what I need. It's not like it really takes 5 business days to push paper around.
DanceSafe....am I really doing any good here? Maybe I stepped into something bigger than I ever wanted to or maybe I'm too absorbed in the conformed mainstream lifestyle to appreciate some of the more radical moves within this organization. I know that I want to complete the survey data...post it.... but from there, who knows. I'm setting up the table in WeHo this Friday. I'm hoping it is met with positive response.
"Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
j.r.me
DanceSafe....am I really doing any good here? Maybe I stepped into something bigger than I ever wanted to or maybe I'm too absorbed in the conformed mainstream lifestyle to appreciate some of the more radical moves within this organization. I know that I want to complete the survey data...post it.... but from there, who knows. I'm setting up the table in WeHo this Friday. I'm hoping it is met with positive response.
"Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
j.r.me
Sunday, July 16, 2000
Four Earth Corners
****
"Here With Me"
written by D. Armstrong, P. Statham & P. Gabriel
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me...
****
At the heart of it all, I'm no different than millions of people searching the planet. We build lives, creating connections so that we aren't alone. It's rare that I encounter someone that truly wants nothing to do with others. (We may all have those moments, but they're fleeting.)
I miss Lanny terribly. I don't know if that says volumes about how much I have yet to grow or if it's as simple as dealing with the emotions associated with loss. I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it." So perhaps I go back to the question of my own growth and theorize that maybe a life with "No Drama" is a life too boring to lead. There goes my guest spot as Bhudda's right hand man.
So I've sought out someone in San Diego.... what am I thinking? Or how about a 20 year old with security issues stacked higher than my own? And lastly, the one that's like me and wears a skin that shows all the rest that life is under control but can't even communitcate with me to follow through on connecting. They're all my choices. That's irony. (Or are we calling it destructive these days?)
A little voice inside---instinct---says to spend more time with friends.
j.r.me
"Here With Me"
written by D. Armstrong, P. Statham & P. Gabriel
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me...
****
At the heart of it all, I'm no different than millions of people searching the planet. We build lives, creating connections so that we aren't alone. It's rare that I encounter someone that truly wants nothing to do with others. (We may all have those moments, but they're fleeting.)
I miss Lanny terribly. I don't know if that says volumes about how much I have yet to grow or if it's as simple as dealing with the emotions associated with loss. I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it." So perhaps I go back to the question of my own growth and theorize that maybe a life with "No Drama" is a life too boring to lead. There goes my guest spot as Bhudda's right hand man.
So I've sought out someone in San Diego.... what am I thinking? Or how about a 20 year old with security issues stacked higher than my own? And lastly, the one that's like me and wears a skin that shows all the rest that life is under control but can't even communitcate with me to follow through on connecting. They're all my choices. That's irony. (Or are we calling it destructive these days?)
A little voice inside---instinct---says to spend more time with friends.
j.r.me
Saturday, July 15, 2000
3rd Charm (Montage VIP Night)
Car alarms are ridiculously annoying. One is going off somewhere outside right now. I hope the radio is taken by now.
I just finished a "wake me up" dance session here @ Gary's place. (I'm house sitting again) Some quickly put together compilation set form Virgin, DJ Jurgen. Just what I need before I jump in the shower and head down to San Diego.
I mentioned boys in the last entry. One, would be my reason for heading down to S.D. so early. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. I detected something in my instincts when I met him on the Sunday of 4th of July weekend. Something that I told Nathan was not necessarily a good thing...alas, instincts are not always laser-like with examples to support the feelings. ((It's wonderful when they are.))
Last night was a good time had by Chuck, Steve & myself. Watched "X-Men" at Triangle Square and then had a food stuffing session at Denny's. I've got to stop eating so late at night. =)
Okay...shower time. I still got that spot.
j.r.me
I just finished a "wake me up" dance session here @ Gary's place. (I'm house sitting again) Some quickly put together compilation set form Virgin, DJ Jurgen. Just what I need before I jump in the shower and head down to San Diego.
I mentioned boys in the last entry. One, would be my reason for heading down to S.D. so early. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. I detected something in my instincts when I met him on the Sunday of 4th of July weekend. Something that I told Nathan was not necessarily a good thing...alas, instincts are not always laser-like with examples to support the feelings. ((It's wonderful when they are.))
Last night was a good time had by Chuck, Steve & myself. Watched "X-Men" at Triangle Square and then had a food stuffing session at Denny's. I've got to stop eating so late at night. =)
Okay...shower time. I still got that spot.
j.r.me
Friday, July 14, 2000
Dos Equis (X-Men Day)
Moments....
I was in the shower this morning and had a moment. Then, about thirty minutes later in the car on the drive to work I had another moment. Sitting here at the keyboard I'm trying to collect those moments into something cumulatively relavent to this entry.
In the shower I was reaching around to wash my back and found "that spot." There's that small space of the back that you really can't reach naturally. It takes some amount of contortionist zeal or use of a manmade(humanmade) tool. My moment came when I thought how nice it would be if there was someone who could regularly reach that spot for me.
Driving....I saw the blue sky, a true site to take in when you can here in SoCal. There were thinly stretched clouds that looked more like trails of white roads in the sky rather than clouds at all. I was reminded--in my sobriety--of how delicately intertwined time, people, places are. In that glimpse, I've started working on piecing together my website a little more. I may always be five steps behind technology, but I'm a leap of faith in front of the changes to come. I also thought about how much I intend to share in these entries. What is "private" and what is "public." I tend to be open while still wanting some "moments" to remain shared in solace.... (This will unfold)
Maybe I'll write about boys this weekend....
I was in the shower this morning and had a moment. Then, about thirty minutes later in the car on the drive to work I had another moment. Sitting here at the keyboard I'm trying to collect those moments into something cumulatively relavent to this entry.
In the shower I was reaching around to wash my back and found "that spot." There's that small space of the back that you really can't reach naturally. It takes some amount of contortionist zeal or use of a manmade(humanmade) tool. My moment came when I thought how nice it would be if there was someone who could regularly reach that spot for me.
Driving....I saw the blue sky, a true site to take in when you can here in SoCal. There were thinly stretched clouds that looked more like trails of white roads in the sky rather than clouds at all. I was reminded--in my sobriety--of how delicately intertwined time, people, places are. In that glimpse, I've started working on piecing together my website a little more. I may always be five steps behind technology, but I'm a leap of faith in front of the changes to come. I also thought about how much I intend to share in these entries. What is "private" and what is "public." I tend to be open while still wanting some "moments" to remain shared in solace.... (This will unfold)
Maybe I'll write about boys this weekend....
Thursday, July 13, 2000
First Entry
Hmm....the first. I think back to 1982, a birthday party at Skateway where I'm surrounded by friends, party gifts, cupcakes, and that wonderful 80's music and cheesy lights flickering on the roller rink. This was where I was given my first diary/journal by my grandfather. Shortly thereafter I wrote my first entry.
Thanks Gabby for introducing me to this link.... I think it will be the start to some thoughts I haven't quite been able to share or decipher internally.
Enough for now... read on with enticement.
Thanks Gabby for introducing me to this link.... I think it will be the start to some thoughts I haven't quite been able to share or decipher internally.
Enough for now... read on with enticement.
