What happened to the people who believed that they would fall in love? Who have I surrounded myself with? Peers? Those who have lost faith? Did they ever have it?
The questions are so vast and at the heart of falling in love is trying to understand what it is. The simplicity of what it means to me is a galaxy of explanation to someone who doesn't speak my language or have "my" understanding.
It's when I am so close to despair that I have often felt that I have a greater understanding of humanity. I have written things that I look back on--often as a teenager when despair seemed constant--and wonder how I could have seen "that." Getting caught up in being a grown up has often meant that I've left some dreams in the past. I can see glimpses of the same thing in the grown ups around me.
I remember a man I didn't really know. His name was Doug and he was tall. He made me laugh. I thought he was a big queen and very different from me. He drank alcohol at a time when I did not after rap sessions on Sundays. We would all go to "Me & Ed's" pizza and sit on wooden picnic table style benches. He took his life a long time ago.
All this thinking of love...I remember the Nat King Cole song that Rick Astley remade in the 80's and I used to listen to (and sing) quite frequently through high school. The lyrics--then--were a dreamy idea that I yearned for. The lyrics--now--are a reality that I can see from having been in love.
"When I fall in love
It will be forever.
Or I'll never
Fall in love...
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem too cool in the warmth of the sun...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Taking Notes on Time
The Summer is beginning for most but I'm feeling like the first week of school is approaching and that my fun is in the past for this segment of time.
I've been reading a lot of people's blogs lately. They are growing up before my eyes.
Will's birthday is on Saturday. Charlie's next week.
I've gotten a new job and will start on Wednesday. (more on this later, I'm sure)
I feel the need to close my eyes and dream now so no music to put me to sleep. A complete shutdown of the computer so there will be no extra sound. Phone to silent.
I hope to be swept into everyone and everything very shortly.
I've been reading a lot of people's blogs lately. They are growing up before my eyes.
Will's birthday is on Saturday. Charlie's next week.
I've gotten a new job and will start on Wednesday. (more on this later, I'm sure)
I feel the need to close my eyes and dream now so no music to put me to sleep. A complete shutdown of the computer so there will be no extra sound. Phone to silent.
I hope to be swept into everyone and everything very shortly.
Friday, June 13, 2008
My Hands Are Very Dry
The poorly chosen or inappropriate words of one I've deemed to have physical beauty trumps that beauty just about every time. (Even compliments about how good I look when said person has a boyfriend.)
I used the family email list for the first time in a while a couple days ago. No response. No surprise. Though I would like them, I think that first the idea of sharing thoughts has to be accepted and natural and it isn't in our family. Someone has to set an example.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Adele - Chasing Pavements
I used the family email list for the first time in a while a couple days ago. No response. No surprise. Though I would like them, I think that first the idea of sharing thoughts has to be accepted and natural and it isn't in our family. Someone has to set an example.
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Adele - Chasing Pavements
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Brotherly Thoughts
These are just some random thoughts before I go to bed. On some level these thoughts have been with me since I was 18. As I've gotten older... they surface less often, but much more strongly when they do surface. I felt like sharing tonight.
I left home during a time that I needed to for myself. A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers. It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind. My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more. I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc. For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves. Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about. Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone. (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)
With Sarah it was always different. There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was. I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself. I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day. I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it. The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room. I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself. Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends. It isn't something that can be forced. I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider. I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more that that I don't know. It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while. Ironic.
Anyway...I just felt like sharing. I know that was a bit heavy. On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch. Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids. Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc. Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however, there is the occasional babysitting... haha. This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q
I love you all very much.
j.r.me
I left home during a time that I needed to for myself. A consequence of leaving home when I did is that I never really got to know YOU, my brothers. It's like I got to know you up to a point and that's where the blueprint froze in my mind. My memories of childhood center around very specific things that we did together and not much more. I wasn't there during all of the normal coming of age experiences, changes, etc. For each of us now, we can look back on the years between 13-16, 18-21, 21-25 (or that whole decade of time) and see the changes in ourselves. Changes--that at the time--we didn't think much about. Changes that when you're around someone on a regular basis you just absorb without feeling out of touch with someone. (Like friends you've had during that time and still keep in contact with)
With Sarah it was always different. There was a special bond that formed when she was little and when she turned 16 I shared with her what that was. I'm not sure if you two know this, but when I was 15 I was planning on killing myself. I believe Sarah still has my journal with the exact entry about the whole day. I gave it to her to read when I thought she would be old enough to understand it. The night in question was around the time when she learned how to open closed doors by herself and she walked into my room. I picked her up, held her and walked into the living room to show her a baby picture of herself. Her laughter made me start to cry thinking about how I would never see her grow up and have experiences like I had with the two of you.
Being family doesn't make us friends. It isn't something that can be forced. I don't know how to bridge the gaps between us, but I'd like the gaps to become closer over time and not grow wider. I know so many things--most seem meaningless when compared to the knowledge that there is so much more that that I don't know. It's funny for me to type this because the things that most strangers tell me when they meet me is how well I seem to know them after listening a short while. Ironic.
Anyway...I just felt like sharing. I know that was a bit heavy. On a bit lighter note of the same subject, something for you guys to watch. Over the years I've become a "big brother" to so many kids. Some of them have come in and out of my life while others remain constant and can be found on the pages of MySpace and Facebook, etc. Most of the time this is a source of warm fuzzies and personal reward, however, there is the occasional babysitting... haha. This was the end of my Memorial Day Weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxiWd2T54Q
I love you all very much.
j.r.me
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Gene-Us
One day he'll wake up and realize I was there all along; that what he wanted was in me. Funny thing is that I have often thought that I'm the one who needed to wake up. Today I think I need to be the one to stay asleep.
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Miracles In Minds
I'm listening to "Toca's Miracle" by Fragma. I remember being at a Huntington Beach house party that had a live DJ spinning years ago and dancing to this song in the living room. I found the carpet disagreeable with my shoes so I kicked them off and let my socks slide effortlessly.
This is one of those songs where the melody, sound effects and lyrics all work in perfect concert for me. There have been many different mixes of the tune since its release. I tend to like most of them. Some just make me stand up and move while others take me deeper inside of myself. The In Petto 2008 Remix that I just heard had me with my eyes closed for a time as I retraced the last eight years in my mind. There is a way that tears can start to form when my eyes are closed and in at a sudden spike of emotion---either from memory or sound or the synergy of the two---when the ducts push past the close lids and a stream will form underneath the tops & bottom eye lashes that have intertwined like the fingers of lovers being affectionate.
Umm...ok...so here are the lyrics:
Toca me
Esta tarde sirma, toca me
Hey...
Hey...
miracle miracle miracle
If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearing what I say
I feel your touch...
Your kiss...
Is not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love is for free
I won't take nothing less than a deeper love
[Chorus: 2x]
Let me tell you...know...I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more than physical
What I need to feel from you.
[It's more than physical
What I need to get me through]
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought that no one cared
You're the answer to my prayers
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
CHORUS
This is one of those songs where the melody, sound effects and lyrics all work in perfect concert for me. There have been many different mixes of the tune since its release. I tend to like most of them. Some just make me stand up and move while others take me deeper inside of myself. The In Petto 2008 Remix that I just heard had me with my eyes closed for a time as I retraced the last eight years in my mind. There is a way that tears can start to form when my eyes are closed and in at a sudden spike of emotion---either from memory or sound or the synergy of the two---when the ducts push past the close lids and a stream will form underneath the tops & bottom eye lashes that have intertwined like the fingers of lovers being affectionate.
Umm...ok...so here are the lyrics:
Toca me
Esta tarde sirma, toca me
Hey...
Hey...
miracle miracle miracle
If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearing what I say
I feel your touch...
Your kiss...
Is not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love is for free
I won't take nothing less than a deeper love
[Chorus: 2x]
Let me tell you...know...I
I need a miracle
I need a miracle
It's more than physical
What I need to feel from you.
[It's more than physical
What I need to get me through]
Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought that no one cared
You're the answer to my prayers
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me
CHORUS
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Note To The Govenor
(This was written in response to a MySpace bulletin posted by John E. that I have copied at the bottom)
When I was 18 years old in 1993 I went to my first gay pride parade and bought an infant jump suit that read, "My Two Daddies And Me" in the hope that someday in my lifetime I could get married and raise a family. That jump suit has hung in every closet of every place I have lived in the past 15 years.
I applaud our Supreme Court's decision of equality and for keeping that hope alive in me.
=============
John E.'s Bulletin:
=============
"To vote in support of the Supreme Court's decision on LGBT marriage call the Governator with this phone bank way to show your support:
1.
call 1-916-445-2841
2.
press 1, 5, 1, 1
(I verified the information myself.
-- JE)
Also write a quick e-mail, a short note is better, by going to http://gov. ca. gov/interact
Select "Supreme Court decision on Same Sex Marriage" from the drop down.
Click the "Pro" radio button at the top
And send a brief note.
There are several groups fighting to sustain the decision, just as there are well funded religious groups supporting a ballot initiative to change the CA constitution to include discrimination and ban same-sex marriage. In my opinion that is religious persecution. Judeo-Christian purity laws (which have all bout been abandoned) should not be used to dictate the state's laws. It's like passing a constitutional law that bans the consumption of pork.
To fight this discrimination you can donate to ACLU or HRC, but I don't have the links to donate specifically for this issue.
However, this PAC is doing just that: http://www. equalityforall. com/ scroll down to they hyperlink and contribute what you can.
Freedom. Equality. Love."
When I was 18 years old in 1993 I went to my first gay pride parade and bought an infant jump suit that read, "My Two Daddies And Me" in the hope that someday in my lifetime I could get married and raise a family. That jump suit has hung in every closet of every place I have lived in the past 15 years.
I applaud our Supreme Court's decision of equality and for keeping that hope alive in me.
=============
John E.'s Bulletin:
=============
"To vote in support of the Supreme Court's decision on LGBT marriage call the Governator with this phone bank way to show your support:
1.
call 1-916-445-2841
2.
press 1, 5, 1, 1
(I verified the information myself.
-- JE)
Also write a quick e-mail, a short note is better, by going to http://gov. ca. gov/interact
Select "Supreme Court decision on Same Sex Marriage" from the drop down.
Click the "Pro" radio button at the top
And send a brief note.
There are several groups fighting to sustain the decision, just as there are well funded religious groups supporting a ballot initiative to change the CA constitution to include discrimination and ban same-sex marriage. In my opinion that is religious persecution. Judeo-Christian purity laws (which have all bout been abandoned) should not be used to dictate the state's laws. It's like passing a constitutional law that bans the consumption of pork.
To fight this discrimination you can donate to ACLU or HRC, but I don't have the links to donate specifically for this issue.
However, this PAC is doing just that: http://www. equalityforall. com/ scroll down to they hyperlink and contribute what you can.
Freedom. Equality. Love."
Monday, May 26, 2008
E Memorius
Flashes of light.... that's a scene of a dance floor in any club across the world. Some grids are better than others. Some lighting operators are better than others. The trick is knowing the music, the technology and being able to anticipate with accurate timing to make the lights a seamless part of the music.
Let go.... of inhibitions, notions, rigid bodies, self images of how you look when you move. Allow the music to instruct your limbs on the next movement. Feel the vibrations creeping over your skin to find your sensitive spots and coil around them. As I've always told people, "If you can count to four, you can dance."
The weather has not been kind this weekend. It appears there will be no beach ceremony to both initiate the Summer season and even out my comedic Long Beach Pride Festival tan lines. I know that the beach isn't going anywhere, but I'm sure that I could use a recharge from the ocean mist right about now. The sand between my fingers and toes; watching the grains slip down into mounds and then be flattened by the smoothing power of the next wave.
"In the beginning he created a groove...
...can you feel it? can you feel it?"
PUSH - "Universal Nation"
Let go.... of inhibitions, notions, rigid bodies, self images of how you look when you move. Allow the music to instruct your limbs on the next movement. Feel the vibrations creeping over your skin to find your sensitive spots and coil around them. As I've always told people, "If you can count to four, you can dance."
The weather has not been kind this weekend. It appears there will be no beach ceremony to both initiate the Summer season and even out my comedic Long Beach Pride Festival tan lines. I know that the beach isn't going anywhere, but I'm sure that I could use a recharge from the ocean mist right about now. The sand between my fingers and toes; watching the grains slip down into mounds and then be flattened by the smoothing power of the next wave.
"In the beginning he created a groove...
...can you feel it? can you feel it?"
PUSH - "Universal Nation"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Union Station Los Angeles
Why does poverty smell like urine? How am I unemployed for months and able to eat breakfast from the adjacent cafe without asking the strangers around me for change?
The world should smell jasmine.
