The Magic Learning School Bus

Bobby was explaining to me how pickles become pickles. Fascinating.

I took so many pictures last night at Thrust but don't really want to post like 60 pictures here so I'll have a link to those as I decide where to put them. Saw Ty, Alex, Jared, Dani, Zeke, et al. (Cause I'm too lazy to type out everyone now that I started doing it.) I need to learn how to use the camera better.

Frick & Frack and AKA. (That poor unicorn)

I stare so deeply that what I see often makes my heart sink. I know that I transmit hope. I know that they feel safety; brief moments of comfort that they can't take with them because they haven't learned how yet. I hope that it's a doorway. I hope that they learn. Sometimes I walk along side for too long and end up trying to impress what I would view for them and I'm learning to stop that.

What do we do now?

Four friends get together in Murrieta and each does their own thing. It begs the question, "What do we do now?" I say just enjoy ourselves. So two fall asleep and two stay up to music. Now the shilldren is outside smoking his cigarrette. Mama has to harrass him and falls suit. I listen to "Broken" by Lustral. Apparently we're waiting for more people. I had but two weak drinks because I was more interested in playing with my new digital camera that will soon be used to animate my blog as I find my words are not all what I want these days.

With different friends I can enjoy different environments. I've brought a smile to Cardwell for taking a simple picture of his cat. It's satisfying. It was simple. I'm not sure I know what more to type. If I find a picture that can explain it, I'll try to put it up.

I woke up LOL-- (Literally, Laughing Out Loud)

I was having some really wild, crazy fun dreams. Woke up about 6am just laughing. I can't say that this has ever happened before. It has left me in this hyper/giddy mood for the past three hours and I have not been able to go back to sleep. Oh well. Waiting for Rey to come and pick me up so I can spend the day/night @ Cardwell's. Looking to be fun.

Daily Duty

I was sitting at a bus stop across from the Daily Grill and this man pulled into the stop with his car. Took me a little by surprise. He needed directions so I gave them to him. It left me with that good feeling of helping someone out. He was so appreciative he offered to give me a ride up the way. I thanked him as my bus was not far down the road.

Kellan got his CD's that I made him in the mail today. Saw Ty at Thrust, hung out with Justin & Kyle, and was there to witness Ali breaking down and playing the song by O-zone. Haha. Also gave Stephen something to remember during the song as he doesn't like it anymore because it's old. Not as old as me. *muah*

No point in buying a car that I can't drive.

Boys, little boys. Something straggling in my sails, something stale within my needs.

Pacific Surfliner

9:51am
On the train. Southbound. I believe the last train ride I had was when I was a kid and mom still had long hair. We might have been living in Seattle. I'd have to ask her to be sure. Today, I left from Irvine and currently the train is stopped in San Juan Capistrano. Friendly attendants. I need to do this more often. At the very least, try something new like this. (re-new)

Passing by the beach. Always that calm. Always. Even on a day, gray, like today. To contrast this, I get the cracky call from Eddy every few minutes. "Go take a hot bath. Relax," I hear myself repeating in each conversation. No more. No more. I too have been up all night long, but naturally. My neck is stiff and I can feel around my eyes that sleepiness that has been fought back. San Clemente pier... we move on. Next stop, Oceanside.

10:10am
Passing by the nuclear tits. San Onofre. I got some headphones so I can listen to my music and watch the visualizations of G-Force. Vibrant colors. I can't stare at it too long or I start to dose off. Staring out the window, we pass by the cars as they seem to be strolling down the 5FWY. Camp Pendleton. I think amusing thoughts of boys becoming men; of how Cardwell would leer. We pull into Oceanside and there's a cute boy on the opposite side of the tracks, going north. ((I wonder if 'north' is supposed to be capitalized.)) Mind drifts...the word 'capital' vs. 'capitol.' Homonyms. I can smell the purple mimeographed papers from elementary school that had lessons about here & hear, to--too--two. Mrs. Bloom. That was over twenty years ago and I'm sure she's passed on. She was the first teacher that pushed me to learn more, be more. She took the talent within and gave me a platform to stretch, become limber with my words. I suppose that her 2nd grade class is where I first began taking words out of the pure context of the dictionary and formulated ways to express on paper what danced in my mind. I'm still finding ways to bring the dances out of my head and into the world.

In Tense

Past. Present. Imperfect. What tense? Just intense is fine for now. Can't sleep. Thank you Serzone. Body tingles everywhere. Normal since I didn't gradually come back upon 200mg, rather, just dumped it in and thought I'd go to sleep like normal. I laugh at the thought now. When I close my eyes and focus on the music playing, feel my mind letting go, images start to form. Then, more than just form, they flash very rapidly. I can't make out each frame, so my mind kicks back in and tries to manipulate the speed and as I begin to recognize the images I realize that my mind is so engaged that I'm alert and nowhere near sleep. So here's more slow music playing... acoustic even. "Lightning Crashes"

I'm looking forward to going to Seattle. I need to go to the graveyard and have a heart to heart. It sounds morbid, but I don't see it that way. Talking with the dead is as sane as talking to yourself when no one's around. I know I'm not going looking for any type of answers, I'm just going because I want that conversation. I want to feel close to her. Safe. I feel it on some level just typing now. Steady hands. Tactile. The "f" and "j" keys have that raised marker on the keys so that you know where "home row" is. The graveyard is something similar. Home row.

It's in the Rain and then the Wind

So...I feel more brainstorming rather than well processed thoughts. Friday completed six Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, six driving academy classes and 13 of 80 hours of volunteer work done. I feel the lack of a car and I also enjoy the extra time to myself while walking. There's this episode of Law & Order SVU on about a character Ian Tate who's psychologist father killed his gay lover. Moving. It reminds me that I must be vigilant even if the world has changed. I have become too laxed. A couple days ago I called and enrolled myself in a California Basic Rider course for motorcycles. As I was giving my driver's license number it hit me that I can't drive.... haha. So I cancelled and will have to reschedule after May 25th. Got my trip to Seattle scheduled. Cardwell is going to come with. De ja vu of last year? Except last year was with Nathan. It will be nice to hang with Kellan too. I want to get a digital camera to start adding to my blogging. Capture moments. Share them. I love Southpark. I've loved it since really watching it back in 1998. My mom's house is in escrow. She'll be moving (theoretically) the weekend I'm in Seattle. This will be the furtherest she's lived from me since I was in Sacramento. Sarah is going too. That makes me a little sad because I feel like I was just getting to know her in the time that she's been driving me around. Celibacy sucks.

blahblahblahblahblahblah

I feel like just brainstorming. I'm looking around my room and searching for something that will spark what it is that I want to talk about but there's nothing certain, nothing just beating down the walls to be heard. I see the Skechers shoe box that I use as a trash can and a chair full of clean clothes that I haven't made time to hang or fold---it just easier to pick the clothes from the pile as I need them and then put them in the dirty basket which hides away in the closet. No rain this weekend! I want to lay in the warmth of the sun, on the sand; feel each grain exfoliate between my toes and dry my hands. The songs ripped to my laptop are nearing the 2000 count and I'm not sure what that means exactly. It means that I have music wherever I go. That's comforting somehow.

Family Photo 2005

So here's my family. All of us hate smiling, but we do it for mom...haha. Years of practice has us trained to put those smiles up.. haha.

Family Pyramid

Ok... One More....