The Tortoise & This Hair

Two competing ideas race; one believes in self preservation and the other in expressions of honesty at all costs. Sometimes I don't say things because I know the outcome will result in putting my heart on my sleeve for someone unworthy to stab at it. Sometimes I repeat a pattern in spite of knowing I'll get stabbed because it is important for people to know that they are loved even if they cannot return it.

We're only Science...

As children all we have is time and the most important thing to us is our friends. Somewhere in the middle until we're in the retirement home where we sit around all day with our friends again we lose our way..... Maybe we don't lose our way. Perhaps we all have to journey off to find out what else is out in the world in order to truly appreciate what we had all along.

I'm finding that I'm writing less and less...not only what is public, but also in my private journals. Is that because I am so content with what I am learning or because I have withdrawn so much? I won't know the answer until I alter my daily routine. So traveling I being to do on a small scale.

I feel good. I feel a part of me I haven't felt in a long time.

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Now playing on Winamp: Patsy Cline - Crazy

Quote for a portrait in my head

"In heaven she wondered if there was a place where people still had tears. That didn't mean she was sad, just that she wanted to find hers again."

Clash of the Tied Tens

Before I venture out tonight I feel the need to discard a few thoughts that are working my heart and throbbing my temples. The most intimate of conversations with respected friends and colleagues have such different tones depending on the personalities behind the conversations. I press the "period" with my right hand's fourth finger and "Tom Sawyer" by RUSH starts to play. Mark Twain, meet Mark W. I've long respected in his consult and friendship. For the past decade he has been part of the exclusive trio to be privy to pretty much every aspect of my life, but as we have grown up and apart there is a tension to our communication that seems to grow as well. I know that I am not the image perfect of laser precision thoughts being conveyed with spoken words. I've always been a much better listener; hmm, unless I'm standing up to do a presentation and using words to communicate unemotional ideas and concepts. Sometimes I think my vagueness is part of my allure. (Mostly I think it's a reminder of my continuing evolution)

The hardest thing for me in receiving communication has always been to hear love without hurt. What do I mean by this? I like to discuss feelings, but not when a participant in the conversation has a tone of voice that leaves a sting. Even with serious concerns--perhaps even more so--I've never understood why one's words have to have a bite in order to convey depth and caring. I felt like scalding water was being thrown on me earlier. My skin has grown so thick over the years that often times I know my outward expression is that of molded clay to fend off any alert of hurt, but with Mark I feel open enough to admit my vulnerabilities. Concurrently, however, I have also learned a certain detachment in arguments and discussions when I know that at the base of different points of view is simply an opinion or belief that fundamentally differs. It is not coldness, nor apathy that is used as a defense, rather a pragmatic understanding that to waste breath and time is not necessary. I respect one's choices for his or herself. I ask....no I demand the same in return.

I suppose the deepest hurt is a lack of respect that the road I have chosen for myself may be ok for me, while admittedly not for someone else. (Most assuredly not for most of my friends)

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On some more positive vibes....
My brother's birthday is Monday. Both of us being in our 30's now and a child on the way for him...I blink back to when we were closer. His girl's name will be Taylor Riley. I can't wait to hold her. Mom is supposed to drive down from Oregon. She wants me to join her for the drive back.... I'm still mulling that over.

Ok....I've decompressed. Off to West Hollywood and a home screening of "Breaking Bad." Let the games begin...

Soft Batch

First I wrap myself in Lanny. I then surround with grandma's knit and the warmth is quite comfortable. I lay my head into the soft pillows with mother and make sure my head and shoulders are secured.

I cannot wait for me to find love or for love to find me. I hold close to the love I already know until such time that I can expand my knowledge.

I'm soft.

Y wonder I

2:50am. This has always been "my time." Lately I've been able to enjoy it. Yes, at the cost of worry that I'm procrastinating the job search too long, but I try not to let that overshadow the joy that I have rarely experienced in recent years.

I wonder how I can be so calm about the financial winds that are heading my way. I suppose that giving myself stomach problems and restless nights will not change the situation so I have adopted a somewhat cavalier status quo. I do worry. I have just learned not to let this consume me as I have in the past. That is when I become overwhelmed. That is when medicine doesn't do much good either.

I am going to find myself among the populous of uninsured people come the end of the month. COBRA is a joke. Ha...ha ha ha ha... ha.

Work in a few shot hours. Dream Dinners is being handed off to new owners. I will miss Mike & Jen; Tevis, Myles & Chase. Nice people who have made my burdens feel small at times these last couple years. The boys reminded me of how Byron and I used to play when we were younger. The birth of Chase was like when Philip came along. It's a long stretch back to that time.

Time to get warm.

From These Lips

Been having a nice time relaxing @ Alex's place for the past few hours. I needed decompression time to process the idea of taking on a new job; new industry.... next chapter. I've also given myself permission to have a week off and sort through all the feelings that are coming up because of this. Waiting to hear back from the good ole' psyche guy to unload for an hour there.

Music is to be the medicine.
People are to be the cradle.
I am to be the microscope.

Now is now. The future is...... now.

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Saturday night out with Charlie, Mark, Hektor. Arturo and Scott joined up. I don't think that will last very long. It will last as long as Arturo wants to play the game. Mark is back East now. He will use the tail end to visit with Charles....I envy him. Maybe I will find the time to do the same soon.

I must get to Seattle soon. Grandpa..... sigh.

I like my mind slow like this.

Taking Five

Went to dinner last night with Justin. We also watched JUNO. I bought the soundtrack on my way home.

I forgot to put a belt on when I left the house this morning.
I'm drinking green tea.

Hi Friend

"Hi Friend" is a greeting I have heard in many different capacities in the last couple months. I saw the word "brainstorm" in an IM I was part of yesterday and as I sat down to write tonight the word flashed in my head and I realized that it's been a long time since I've just let out a continuous stream of thought.... so here I am.

Between Nick, another French guy I met last week named Dominic and a random message from a French boy, Steve, in Paris I've made the joke that I'm a French Magnet. While sharing this with my roommate, Charlie, I joked that I should get a shirt that says, "I'll Fuck you if you French me." I'm sure the humor will not translate to this journal entry, but it was funny at the time and something that I do not want to forget as the years roll by....

And rolling by they are. I received an email from Lanny yesterday that put all of that into some perspective. At least it began to clarify the lines. (what does that mean?) I often think in phrases that paint images or conjure emotions. From time to time I have gone back and read my entries (not often) and I'll read a passage where the wording perplexes me but I will remember the feeling of the time when I wrote it. It's the way I'm wired I guess. As the Goldfrapp lyric goes...."I'm wired to the world. That's how I know everything. I'm superbrain. That's how they made me."

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Now playing on Winamp: Goldfrapp - Utopia

So about 45minutes ago I posted the song info above... I then got side-tracked and looked up the video on YouTube which led me to my own YouTube page which led me to look at Nick's YouTube videos and I saw heard his mother for the first time. That was a special moment. I went back to my page and watched "The Angry Asian" and "When Orientals Drink." I've been smiling and laughing so much since then. Which brings me back to my brainstorm and the feelings that have led me here.

I got an email from Lanny last night that and he talked about dreams. Dreams in life. Inspiration really. When I write I feel that dream. He reminds me of that every so often and I file the thought away in my head somewhere. I need to stop doing that.

And Bobby needs to stop with this lemonade diet. Not happy about that. But then...

Enter Now MMVIIII

I'm still walking. I'm still looking. I find myself now in this 2008 place and the rains are coming. Philip is in Iraq. I started to feel the magic again in the weeks leading up to Xmas. Then as quickly as it came it disappeared again and I was caught off guard.

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Now playing on Winamp: Madonna - Live to Tell

What I should be doing is running and save the walking for when I have someone to circle the pond with.