fuzzy

Jamba Juice stuck in between my teeth. I think the seeds from the rasberries that I requested not be put in the fruity concoction. Go figure.

Where am I from a few days ago? I can't help but love. The valve on that faucet was stripped clean long ago. No tork wrenches here. I still must clarify the air with Mark. It's one of those things that the phone just doesn't work for, yet I'm not quite up to having the face-to-face yet. Keep the days coming.

SWORDFISH opens tomorrow. Good, Something to see. I think I'll wait until Randy gets home and trek out to get the MOULIN ROUGE soundtrack.

A curiously nice new entry in my guestbook. I've read some of her more recent works and like. So many of us writers in this world. Some of us in grocery stores, some of us abused by grown-up adolecents with their cell phone toys.

I hear the winds of change and I wonder why it's still so hot all around.

j.r.me

covet

"It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside..."

I read some of Nate's online journal just now; last 10 minutes or so. A lot of thoughts flowing there. Good. Good. I'm glad that we've begun to weather the future of our relationship in words again.

I have never really censored my thoughts here. To do so would really defeat the purpose, yes? I'm forced tonight (and surely in the next few days) to burrow into what I value and find out where it is that I lay to nest.

The last time I felt like I do right now was when I parted ways with Lanny. There was an incident that violated me and my trust. It tore apart the fabric of trust with a crowbar and left a scar to remember forever. Tonight is no different, though the scar will just be more easily hidden by a layer of "tough skin" that living a drama-free life induces. Where are all the cakes and candies of the land right now? I could most definitely consume them all before dawns approach is finished. My body temperature is slowly rising. Is it the fever or my anger and disgust?

FRIENDS/FAMILY
STABILITY
INDEPENDENCE
KNOWLEDGE

The values that I've held for years now that I must face tonight. All are part of the betrayal when a boyfriend and a close friend share intamacy when it is the drunken act during the night of my previous journal entry. How bitter sweet to learn that the inexplicable anger of the moment was justified afterall.

So now I breathe. Pause. Take stock of what I hold dear and think of flying. I felt something while driving back to work today after lunch. I stared at the trees, the sky, the mountains. I thought of transcendence and of evolving beyond pettiness. Here I am now being tested in light of my realization, I'm sure.

You see...I do not write here because I think that what I have to say is necessarily the greatest prose to be found on the internet. I write here to help myself in finding the truth that I feel inside and that I sense all around me. If I believe that truth must be something more than the sum or all it's parts, then I have to teach by how I live and what I do more than simply what I write.

I'm no god, but I play one on TV. So shall we all sometime, in some decision we make. Tonight... my value is INNOCENCE.

j.r.me

pit

Yes. The time is right. I can't seem to sleep. I tried laying down around 1am and I've been tossing and turning every since. Randy, Mark, Nathan and I were playing Trivial Pursuit. Nathan turned in early, I began getting a headache and feeling fatigued shortly thereafter.

There's this ringing in my ears so loud right now. It's that kind of ringing that happens after being in a dance club for hours on end, especially after dancing next to the speakers. I drank some water and all I can feel is acid in my stomach bubbling; not soothing. All of the physiological signs are that I'm angry, but at what? who? why? The more I sit here and stare at the screen waiting for some reasoning to jump out at me, the more I get lost in a blurry haze. A bird chirping outside pulls me back to focus and there's the sweet melody of fingers effortlessly plucking keys on the keyboard. Melodic because there isn't the cursed sound of the pause followed by the right hand forefinger touching "backspace." The thoughts that are being typed are pouring nicely. It's been a while.

I received an e-mail from Sarah (Reagan) yesterday with pictures of Wesley (her son) and Dave (husband). Wesley is growing so much. I'm now aware of the phenomenon of people remarking, "How much you've grown" because the only glimpses they get are over spans of time. I don't remark so much about how much my sister has grown over the last 13 years because I've been around her more often. Still, she is quickly entering adolescence which brings back some fond memories (and not so fond).

I typed out a letter to Nathan while at work a couple of days ago. Work was pretty slow and the letter flowed out of me, much like this entry this morning. I feel like I'm back on page with him as far as what's going on with my thoughts and where my hear stands with our friendship. Maybe that's what has me upset right now. Hmm....angry to upset?

There were jokes flying around while playing Trivial Pursuit. Jokes sometimes made under the breath of Mark & Randy and that I felt were in poor taste, even if there was fuel for the remarks. It all "seemed" to be in good fun, but sometimes Randy can say things in a joking way that I don't get my "vibe" sense are jokes. Much like that saying that within every joke there is a kernal of truth. I still believe that's true for the most part. Yes, we're all adults and Nathan could speak up if he was truly uncomfortable, but maybe that's why he turned in rather than hung out with us all. Gee, Jeremy, perhaps he was just really tired.

Trusting my instincts...impulses. Remember that lesson? Yeah, I do. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts---being clear and open. That was another lesson. I've been mulling over these thoughts lately. An e-mail from Wes, who is currently in Austrailia, reminded me of the time when we were hanging out in Dec'99 to Feb'00. That was such a time of clarity for me. I think I'm walking down that path again, but not necessarily thinking about the same obstacles in life.

Almost of year of these fragmented thoughts. Flash...I need to send an e-mail to Chuck & Art for tennis on Sunday. Flash...Mark is available for June 9th to goto his first rave. Flash...I really hope that the weather and Nathan's schedule work in my favor today so that I can spend a day baking at the beach. Flash...do I goto work from 7-9am for some overtime work? Flash...I should go and run a mile or two right now. Flash...Lorena is coming into town soon. Flash...I'm pausing between thoughts so I'll end now.

This is supposed to be my day off.

j.r.me

because

I've got cousins that I never see. I have cousins that I've never met. I sometimes think this is odd, but really, there are pieces of DNA all over this world that I am somehow distantly related to and yet I don't know these people either.

My hair is growing back...kinda more on top than on the sides so I can't spike it yet. I'm looking forward to using gel again. Nice, slimey hands.

Randy & I skipped out on taking the Alegebra assessment test last Friday. Instead, we got all ready for the beach, put sun block on and then drove to the movie theater. Lucky for us the film light wasn't too bright so we left the Irvine Spectrum unscaved. (It ended up being really overcast at the beach)

Tomb Raider is coming up...looks good for a group outing; The Big Neport.

creations

PMS......I feel like we're swimming in it at home. I'm okay with that for a while because I understand that any transition can be difficult, but at some point we all must take responsibility for ourselves. Address, communicate, share and be at peace.

I found out that my position in Technical Support with VZW will be moved to Customer Care. Great. Maybe...maybe not, dunno. I'm open to the change and excited about learning more about the business as a whole. Change..change..change.

Tonight we (Randy & I) have thought of an impromptu "Game Night." Sounds like a lot of fun to me, but I wonder who all will show up. It was kinda late notice.

cookie creations...

calibrate

But what if my clock says 6:22pm? =)

Time lost; time forgotten. Time to cut my finger nails. Time to run. Time to walk. Time to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I wash my hands in the public restroom and see the poorly lighted reflection as I go to wash my hands. It's hard to instill why all this is important to someone else when it's difficult to find that answer myself.

To do better.

To do more.

To try.

I don't know that the reason why is really that important. Just the trying. But sometimes just trying falls on deaf ears & minds... So I guess I really don't know anything.

Drugs drugs drugs..... the legal kind. Stay tuned.

j.r.me

May Project Poet-Callab

So I decided to finally look around on this Diaryland site and see what else is here. The "Member of the Month" section looked somewhat enticing.....so here goes:

MAY PROJECT FOR POET-COLLAB
http://poet-collab.diaryland.com/


WANTING...

I need him--
But I say I don’t need anyone in this world.
(I open up to no one in this world)
But no one can take me so deeply to hurt
Like this boy who’s body finds me
And tackles my mind down hard,
Pushing so deeply into me
That I wish I knew how to fight
And I wish I could stand up and be the man
I’m supposed to be to him
So that I can hang out at his house;
So I can drive around with him;
So I can smoke one of his cigarettes;
So I can wash his dirty clothes
And make his bed each morning.
But I’m only his recreation
For the times when he can’t act anymore
And the truth that presses against me,
In the cold nights of his truck,
Is the truth that never leaves me.
Not the smell;
Not the taste;
Not the memories;
Not the wanting…

-J.R.Me

rushing

I overheard this conversation at work today. A guy who sits behind me has a 3yr old son and another guy down the row has his 1st on the way. The one waiting for the new child started remarking about how much he's looking forward to taking his "son" to ballgames, hockey games, and getting him different jerseys to wear. I sure hope his son likes those things.

Yesterday as I climbed the stairs to get to the third floor of the Verizon Wireless hive, I started taking the steps two at a time. As I did this I thought of Jared. He would calculate the shortest amount of steps he had to take to climb up stairs. My first thought was that I wish he would have looked at all his life choices as carefully to plan out the best way to climb life, but then I realized that I could also see the path of taking the shortest steps to reach a destination as being how he lives his life. (Or lived.....I'm completely in left field knowing anything about him in this day & age.)

Nathan & I had our first heart-to-heart in a long time. I still see so much change in him, not good. Therapy.....it does a body good. I'm drained by the essence of what I feel emanating from him and hopeful that our exchange can filter through some changes.

Washington Mutual!!! Wee! (I finally changed banks and opened a new checking account)

What goodies lie in store? Is that "lay" in store? hmm.... great major. I think some dinner and a nap.

j.r.me

carlin on tv

...it's like just trying to find a moment where I can be content. The moments are fleeting. I can recall specific instances; earlier tonight I was cuddling with Randy and I was content, but I was done within a minute or two and looking for my next moment. The time that I sit and do nothing and am actually content is rare....but altogether important as well.

I can be happy and sad within seconds of each other. I'm tapped into too much.

Ignore.

j.r.me

Discipline

Nathan is going to Sabrina's....Rob is taking his pants off...well, er, not Nathan's pants off, but his own. It's late. Don't these people have to work in the morning? (I don't)

I'm not pleased with the gaps of writing here. I must improve this. I will. I've set diaryland.com as my default home page for the internet browser.

I have nothing more to say. I'm staring at the screen.

bye for now.

j.r.me