pit

Yes. The time is right. I can't seem to sleep. I tried laying down around 1am and I've been tossing and turning every since. Randy, Mark, Nathan and I were playing Trivial Pursuit. Nathan turned in early, I began getting a headache and feeling fatigued shortly thereafter.

There's this ringing in my ears so loud right now. It's that kind of ringing that happens after being in a dance club for hours on end, especially after dancing next to the speakers. I drank some water and all I can feel is acid in my stomach bubbling; not soothing. All of the physiological signs are that I'm angry, but at what? who? why? The more I sit here and stare at the screen waiting for some reasoning to jump out at me, the more I get lost in a blurry haze. A bird chirping outside pulls me back to focus and there's the sweet melody of fingers effortlessly plucking keys on the keyboard. Melodic because there isn't the cursed sound of the pause followed by the right hand forefinger touching "backspace." The thoughts that are being typed are pouring nicely. It's been a while.

I received an e-mail from Sarah (Reagan) yesterday with pictures of Wesley (her son) and Dave (husband). Wesley is growing so much. I'm now aware of the phenomenon of people remarking, "How much you've grown" because the only glimpses they get are over spans of time. I don't remark so much about how much my sister has grown over the last 13 years because I've been around her more often. Still, she is quickly entering adolescence which brings back some fond memories (and not so fond).

I typed out a letter to Nathan while at work a couple of days ago. Work was pretty slow and the letter flowed out of me, much like this entry this morning. I feel like I'm back on page with him as far as what's going on with my thoughts and where my hear stands with our friendship. Maybe that's what has me upset right now. Hmm....angry to upset?

There were jokes flying around while playing Trivial Pursuit. Jokes sometimes made under the breath of Mark & Randy and that I felt were in poor taste, even if there was fuel for the remarks. It all "seemed" to be in good fun, but sometimes Randy can say things in a joking way that I don't get my "vibe" sense are jokes. Much like that saying that within every joke there is a kernal of truth. I still believe that's true for the most part. Yes, we're all adults and Nathan could speak up if he was truly uncomfortable, but maybe that's why he turned in rather than hung out with us all. Gee, Jeremy, perhaps he was just really tired.

Trusting my instincts...impulses. Remember that lesson? Yeah, I do. Speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts---being clear and open. That was another lesson. I've been mulling over these thoughts lately. An e-mail from Wes, who is currently in Austrailia, reminded me of the time when we were hanging out in Dec'99 to Feb'00. That was such a time of clarity for me. I think I'm walking down that path again, but not necessarily thinking about the same obstacles in life.

Almost of year of these fragmented thoughts. Flash...I need to send an e-mail to Chuck & Art for tennis on Sunday. Flash...Mark is available for June 9th to goto his first rave. Flash...I really hope that the weather and Nathan's schedule work in my favor today so that I can spend a day baking at the beach. Flash...do I goto work from 7-9am for some overtime work? Flash...I should go and run a mile or two right now. Flash...Lorena is coming into town soon. Flash...I'm pausing between thoughts so I'll end now.

This is supposed to be my day off.

j.r.me