Coffee, Tea & Me

It's now Monday, the 20th of November and I finally made it into work. (Only 2 1/2 hours late...hmm.. anyone got any job openings? haha-- semi serious) I've broken this recollection up into COFFEE, TEA & ME sections. Who knew I could feel this creative anymore. =)

SATURDAY STIMULANT--Coffee
2:30am

We leave Costa Mesa to one of our communities' favorite "watering" (literally) holes, The Red Eye @ The Ruby building, produced by Canboy Productions. (Garrett Kimball & Will Gorges) I did not attend ICON and therefore cannot comment on anything, nor do I think it's fair to forward opinions by my fellow friends. Let them find time to post if they thought it was that bad. =) I personally chose The Red Eye over ICON not because of the crowd, the music, or anything logical like that. I've been lusting after a boy for a few months and had word that he would be at The Red Eye. Is this the start of a stalking career?


3:15am
Arrival. To our surprise there's a line out front. =( Luckily for me, big, baggy raver pants made of nylon act as the perfect wind-breaker. After being in line for about 5 minutes, Garrett yelled out to the crowd that the coat check was already full and the leave our coats in our cars. Pshaw! I decided to take my chances with finding a dark spot inside the venue and to leave it there. It worked out fine.

Being that I am a Board Member for DanceSafe, I cannot risk the organization by carrying *vitamins* on me at any time. So standard procedure before going into a club is to *drop* and then get in line. Usually, the timing of waiting in line, getting in & starting to dance coincides perfectly with the onset. Tonight, the lack of food & increased heart rate from the cold elements had my hearing *changed* by the time I presented my I.D. to security at the front of the line.


3:30am to....Timeline Blur
While the rest of my entourage made headway to the bathroom stalls and bartenders, I heard the tribal drum & bass sounds of the main room. My assessment of DJ PAULO was that he kept the crowd pleased, free & moving; to me, these are the gifts of a talented DJ. That's my objective viewpoint. My personal preference of music however is not drum & bass, jungle, or any heavy house. Trance, in all of it's many variations is my passion on the floor, so as quickly as the initial beats pulled me into the main room, I quickly sought out the back room.

I was the 2nd person in there on the floor. It looked as though DJ WES ADAMS had just started his set. The song was Janet Jackson's latest from that *Nutty* movie. The room filled steadily. When my friends, Randy & Frederic, and Nathan found me I think I had lost (discarded) my shirt already. Nathan, being the close friend that he is came over to me to let me know that he bought me glowsticks while at the bar. =) Danke! Soon after starting my light show I glimpsed the boy I'd been distantly gazing upon the past few months and said hi. With heightened senses, I quickly gleaned that his state of mind was nowhere near a standstill & chat mode and he was off bouncing around just as quickly as he had come by. **sigh**

Timeline Blur....3:30 quickly turned into the-god-damn-sun-is-up-already and I overheard someone say it was past 7am. Could it be true? The back room closed which is when I first introduced myself to Garrett Kimball. I had spoken on the phone & e-mailed Canboy about having a DanceSafe table inside the event in the side smoking room. I brought a cover letter and sample of our literature for them and their staff to have. This seemed apropos as up to this point I had witnessed security have to carry/escort three individuals out of the main dance areas. People....DO NOT leave your friends unattended when using Gina. ((The DanceSafe PSA for the day...=))

Not having a choice in music now, my friends and I retreated to the couch/booth area opposite the main stage. The ambient darkness made for a great chill period with the occasional leap to feet for a song or two. The boy fluttered to & fro and I was in a happy space admiring. There's something to be said about keeping some thoughts or actions in fantasy, never having to have them crushed by the reality of getting to know someone. Hahaha...wow, did I really type that? I suppose that's the pragmatism of lusting.


9:00am--ish
The buzz question circulating is, "Are you going to go to Church?" This was a foreign question to me in many ways. Firstly, being the agnostic, raised catholic guy that I am, "HELL NO!" I'm not going to church came to mind. Then it was explained that "Church" was a euphemism for "Spike." While I've heard Spike described as the local dive and a hell in itself, I'd describe it more as PURGATORY; a conglomeration of those sobering up, those continuing their siteless journey and those standing on the outside just to be somewhere--to be part of something.

Only one funny occurrence. Randy had brough back popsicles at one point and I decided to try and deep throat the damn thing. Frustrated because the coldness of the popsicle quickly stuck to the wetness of the inside of my mouth. To compensate, I licked the entire popsicle making sure everything was wet. This allowed me to complete the task of getting the whole popsicle in my mouth/throat. Just as I closed my lips around the bottom of the stick, the popsicle broke in half, leaving the top half lodged in my throat. Randy & Frederic are laughing because I'm sure deep throating a popsicle looked just absurd, but I can't speak to inform them of my predicament. I tried squeezing my throat muscles to crush the popsicle but that wasn't working. I was also running out of air and felt the pressure buidling up in my lungs. With two options left (as I saw it), cough it up or try & dislodge it by ramming pressure against my diaphram, I breathed in through my nose and coughed. Up comes the popsicle...airway clear.

Nathan had left early on from Spike to get to a job, Randy & Frederic were with me until leaving Spike around noon. Leaving the pitch darkness of Spike and stepping foot into the bright sunlight of construction laden Santa Monica Blvd. is squinting shock on the eyes. Bring sunglasses.


1:00pm--We're Hungry...let's eat
I decide I'm treating to a lunch at Claim Jumper. We order, and in the back of my mind I'm remembering the portions of food are going to be ridiculously abundant. Some friends here have deemed that McDonalds should have a new combo meal size. Instead of "Super Size," they were thinking, "Circuit Size" which consists of (3) fries, (1) Chicken McNugget & a water that McD's could charge for $10 and we'd pay it is the really crazy part. Alas, this needed commodity does not yet exist and our food arrived in the size of continents. I think we all finished a few bites and then boxed the rest. Which reminds me....dinner tonight. =)


2:00pm--Home
Our 12 hour party stint reached it's end. I promised that as soon as I was finished driving and parking that my head would be down on the floor and I'd be out. I always keep my word. Zonk...zzzzzz


SUNDAY SNOOZE--TEA
4:30pm

Since my first time hearing Phil B @ Mass in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend 1999, I have rarely missed an opportunity to hear and watch him spin. Yes...watch him. Randy & Frederic decided that they would not be joining at ICON for the Tea Dance. Nathan called to inform me that he would be arriving to leave around 6:30. (I know better and 6:30 really meant 7pm...giggle) The two hours or so that I did sleep were quite refreshing. REAL vitamins with my food before sleep: B-Complex(150), C(500mg), E(400iu), Mutli, 5htp(100mg). The only pain I felt was in my throat. It felt sore & raw. I'm guessing that the popsicle did a pretty good job on me. (rather than vice versa).


8:00pm
Arrival. Knowing that we would only have four hours, I felt that I should make every moment count, but in comparison with the previous night, those four hours felt much longer--in a good way. Perhaps my body was tired, perhaps I was dancing more this night and made myself tired, but Phil's spinning seemed to go on and on. The energy level on the dance floor was high, the stage even higher. Thank you Phil for passing on the name of "Blue Disco Cop" by Blue Adonis to me. (Song I've loved for some time but never knew the name of.)

Though I had been introduced before, I got to spend time actually talking with some of Nathan's friends: Bruce, Ruben, and **the boy.** =) Oh yeah...forgot to mention that I knew he'd be at ICON as well. =P In altered states, it's difficult for me to see if there is a genuine return in attraction or if one is just acting on impulse. The boy (who does have a name but I'm respecting his privacy) didn't show any signs overtly of the former so I smiled and continued to enjoy myself dancing. I believe that the ICON layout lends itself to a *friendlier* atmosphere and more of a *homey* feel.

Thirst quenching drew me to the bar at one point. Again, even the bartenders at ICON have a friendliness about them that comes across more so than at other venues. Not that other venues have rude bartenders, don't get me wrong. As coincidence or fate would have it, the boy was getting a gatorade. I too wanted one---umm...of the gatorade that is. **wink**

This was the first time I had really been alone with him without other friends or either of ours around. We exchanged hi's and made small talk. The boy's flattery of guessing my age to be 21/22 was endearing. That, or a show of how high he was. =) Carpe Noctum I thought in my head so, "You're too cute." came out of my mouth. Then I remembered how stupid that sounds. Too cute? Cute is a totally subjective thing for individual likes & dislikes. So I quickly followed up with, "Well, not TOO cute, but cute to me." He smiled and leaned over and gave me a kiss...Talk about a natural high.

As a group, a pair, as individuals, the night played on and the dancing ached every part of my body but I didn't care. It was a duly needed release from a stressful world that I exist in every day because I value certain ideals like integrity, responsibility & accountability. How lovely if I could throw them away at whim.

Though the first kiss was quite innocent, he saw that I had a tongue ring later and I learned that he definitely hit the mark with my kissing standard. Boy did it hit the mark.


MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM--ME
1:00am

Nathan, The boy and myself drove in my car. After ICON there was talk of heading to RAGE or SPIKE, but we ended up at Ruben's place just talking the night away. In addition to the previous names, Bruce & Mark were also there.

My indoctrination into the various levels of drug-related cultures shows me different things at different times. I have worked hard at toning down my judgement in favor of understanding as this is the only true way of sharing with people who are not looking to change their habits. This is still hard for me to do overall. Crack pipes, bongs, bumpers & G-Cocktails; a slippery slope to some, everyday words to the side of my DanceSafe cause. Bumping is not my thing, neither is smoking anything in general. Being--in my opinion--one of the less educated substances out there, I had my G cocktail. (G & G...GHB & Gatorade)


2:00am?
I think this is when I passed out. All I remember is the boy and I kissing on the floor. We're in full view of the others and yet rolling around, lips locked. I remember thinking in my head that there were people there. I heard some comment about get the video camera. I just really wasn't embarrassed, though true, not much does embarrass me anyway.


4:00am
I awake to hear Bruce saying, "See...it always works." The boy is amazed. Apparently telling someone that it's time to go while they're asleep and/or "crossed over" will snap them into consciousness. Hmm...I'll chalk this up to conincedence. Or maybe the fuckers were just being really noisy. =) The boy's shirt was off and I don't remember doing that. I don't think I did, actually. I fell asleep again.


5:00am
I hear the voice of Nathan telling me that I need to get up so that I can drive us home. I'm spooning--one of my favorite positions to sleep in--and don't want to get up. Others were already calling in sick, but not I. No...executive meetings are generally not things to miss. Not good.

Nathan & I get back to Orange County about 6:30am. It took me 30 minutes to say my goodbyes...haha. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't have a moral imperative about certain values. It causes me to be less decisive in circumstances than others who can discard thoughts. I don't know what I think it will benefit or gain me in the long run, nor that it will necessarily be to my detriment. I must ultimately conclude that it is fear that keeps me where I am as fear is usually the answer to anything that cannot be logically explained.

So today has been dragging...and the executive meeting? Cancelled 30 minutes before it was supposed to happen. Fate or coincidence, I don't know which one. All I do know is that I'm tired and tonight a restful sleep alone will do me unspeakable joy. (lol...I had to throw that in at the end.)

j.r.me

Apathy

Leaving friends' apartment this morning, I walked over three smashed cigarette boxes on the pavement about 20 feet from my car. An additional 20 feet from my car was a garbage dumpster. The thought occurred to me that maybe I should pick up the boxes and through them away but I left them sitting in the street.

About an hour ago I stopped at TOGO's to get a tuna sandwich. While the boy (very cute) was preparing my sandwich, there were 4-5 other employees standing around talking to one another behind the counter. One started doing a voice imitation of an Asian person, with stereotypical inflections, making fun of the way some people cannot speak clearly to be understood. I was not personally offended...what does personally offend me these days? ((And maybe that's the point of all this writing)) But what's more, I didn't say anything. I didn't mention that I myself was 1/2 Asian or bother to point out that it was highly inappropriate to be making such jokes.

Have I become that indifferent? And what was that mumble about being the change that one wishes in the world. ((sigh)) I think it's time to think loudly again.

j.r.me

Hollow

"I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow

Trick or treaters night out. I've lost the child in this night. I can't even muster fake enthusiasm. Smirk... spreadsheets near my keyboard and I'm at work. Dark outside. The hour fall has nighttime moving in so swiftly.

Mark & I spent quality time engaged in conversation and chess last night. He beat me for the first time. It was great because for me I didn't even care; not even a tension of the heart to express comptetion. I just had a great night with a good friend.

Til Tuesday..."Voices Carry." Yeah...my fatal flaw.

j.r.me

Turning

Bobby's my little brother. Err... the lil gay one that I never had. =)

"If we value every moment, we will never feel regret."
-Chakra, "Love Shines Through" ****** I think I'm going to use the lyrics to this song for my birthday party invitation.

Yes...b-day, I'm already thinking of that. It's a good thing; looking forward, not dwelling on the past. I'd have to say that dwelling on the past is my fatal flaw. So I finally got up the nerve to throw away trinkets of the past and I'm still not settled with the idea, but the deed is done. **tears**

It rained all weekend. Beautiful blue skies today. A lot of time driving in the rain, pellets down on the car. The sound helped thoughts along.

I need to meet new people. I let Nathan know last night that I think he's partying too much, that I need new people in my life that I can explore the other sides of me. By no means did I imply that I don't want to continue to spend time with him, hell, I'm moving in with him. But I don't want to stagnate. I want more from conversation than the next circuit party, *his* big dick, that phenomenal song, or that incredible high.

Rock climbing.....I think I should try doing that, even if it is in a controlled, artificial wall environment.

j.r.me

not content

Another weekend has passed like a low flying plane overhead; loud and overpowering to conversation but only for a brief time. Soon the plane is gone, the sounds fade away into clouds. My images of this weekend will shortly fade away to clouded memories.

A Friday flashbadck with a high school friend proved how time can stand still in spite of years. Kim and I still deal with our inner conflicts of youth, convincing ourselves that adult choices will make everything alright in time. I wish I knew that was ultimately right, but I don't. I don't know that it's wrong either.

Rushing out of The Orange Block I drove to Andy at the Sunset Laemlee to watch "Requiem For A Dream." A midnight show left me drowsy. The drive back to Laguna Hills added to exhaustion.

Silly squeeling girls ruled the Saturday sun. Sarah turned 13 on Friday with a girlfriend party on Saturday. Frederic's weekend birthday party in San Diego balanced out the day.

I took Monday & Tuesday off of work to think. Personal Time. I keep seeing this time of the year as being part of this huge nemesis that I can't fight on my own. Perhaps my change of heart on drugs should also apply to ones that can be prescribed. I think that may be the answer.

I want to try clif diving.

j.r.me

midlife

Sarah turns 13 today. Wow. She's in the same space of her life that I was when she was born. Giggle. Frown. Such a confusing time. Good friends and school focus helped me through it. Still a few more years before I share with her my past journals and let her know how important she has been in my life.

Busy weekend ahead. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Freddy, Mr. Peek-a-boo, turns 30. Nate, Randy, Bobby & I will be going down to San Diego tomorrow to celebrate @ Montage. Brunching on Sunday Morning and then ICON on Sunday Night.

I've had two nights this last week where I got 10 hours of sleep. My body has really been telling me to slow down; mixing up the 4 hour nights with the 10 hour ones. It is nice just to sleep sometimes.

I've decided to pursue a Board Member position with DanceSafe for this next six months. Treasurer or Volunteer Coordinator. I know that one will be more work than the other, but I think I'd be good at it and I know the group could use it. We'll soon see. Elections are in a couple of weeks. I myself will be voting for Nader.

Boys? I don't think I should type about them anymore. What if they read? hahaha... I'm kidding. Everyone can read, that's the point; to see the pieces that aren't readily readable by looking at me. I'm "boy-ed" out. I enjoy spending time with people but I feel like I have goals to achieve and that relationships get in the way... no no.. not get in the way, but they take up an inordinant amount of time and energy that I don't want to give up right now. Someday. Not now.

j.r.me

resume

I think I'm going to put a resume together that says something to the effect that I want to be paid to work solving problems in workflow, relationships, etc. I want to be "The Fixer" that I am. I want to be paid for doing something that comes naturally. I want to make my own hours, wear jeans, work out of my home, my car, the beach and the park. I want it all and I deserve it because I can deliver what a company, individual, corporation needs... clarity away from this "buy in" of how things are "supposed" to be.

Yeah... yeah... yeah!!! Okay....so now I should write it.

=) j.r.me

Briefs

Mountain Dew & Wheat Thins...a perfect very late dinner or way too early breakfast. Raves have a way of throwing time schedules off. I'm at Gary's place, watching Holly scowl at me because I'm typing and not paying attention to her. I smell like smoke. It disgusts me, yet I'm still riding on the natural high that this peer-based social work spawns in me. There's nothing quite like the appreciation from a bunch of high kids who take a moment to gain a bit of knowledge. Whether it sticks or not is completely debatable.

I had to cancel a date this evening in order to fill in at the DanceSafe table. It appears that none of the volunteers signed up were "certified" for working a table by themselves. The Fox Theater was the venue for "Lotus." I had never worked The Fox before, but now I understand about the heat. The fan I brought definitely made for a cuddle puddle on the side of our table. Nummy nummy eye candy everywhere. **slap slapp** Wake up, Jeremy, they're straight... hahaha. My throat is all scratchy from yelling the results of pill tests throughout the night, explaining the effects of different drugs, and answering general questions about what DanceSafe is.

I spent last Thursday at RAGE. Bobby & Joey were there as well, with Alex & Paul. I rolled for the first time in a while. Then continued eating a second roll at Spike. I think the clarity of the night has finally been soaked up and I'm not as stressed as I once was. I am, however, tired right now and know that I cannot put into words what my mind has assimilated. A short 10-minute type... and I'm off to the shower to get rid of this smoky smell.

j.r.me

Honesty

There are so many birthdays in this month. Turning of the years.

I've heard before that if you have something to give, you're able, and it costs you nothing, then why not? Yeah.... hmm.... why not? Maybe everything costs something, and not always one's weight in gold. How about a soul?

I'm off to go pick up the lost soul.... haven't written about him in a while, but then again I haven't been very good about sticking to my stringent ideals lately. Light sweat all day today, yesterday too. I'm drinking plenty of water so I'm guessing it's the conflict within giving me problems. Time to confront that...it's always so scary doing that. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache and causing my eyes to tear up.

j.r.me

wammo

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? (I think I'm thinking that if I repeat the question that the answer will come to me. It has.... I want everything.) It has always been this way. In choosing a career; in eating fast food; in the type of personalities I have as friends; and ultimately, in the person I wish to be dating. Since it is impossible to have all qualities in one person, I'm attracted to different people and live with the notion that no one will be "perfect" (as I am not perfect) and so someone that has a majority of the qualities is really good. Then monagamy sets in....

Another 20 year old dances into my life. **sigh** I'm enamored. I'm feeling bad. I was not constructed to date more than one person at a time. I think that my deep empathy with people reflects what I know the feelings that become involved for them as my honesty compels me to inform of my open dating situations. As always, I narrow down to one person to date seriously and this feeling bad subsides as I'm in the rapture of the birth of love.

"Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you; someone's gonna thank the stars above."

I gotta remember to trust instinct. Also...don't confuse instinct with lust.

j.r.me