I woke up from a nap a few minutes ago. The music playlist on my computer was still playing from when I fell asleep listening to it. A song came on and without warning, like the instant chemical reaction of two elements touching, I was curled in the fetal position and I can't stop crying. The song lyrics...
"And why can't you just hold me?
And how come it's so hard?
And do you like to see me broken?
And why do I still care?
But if I wanted silence, I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection, I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know..."
...and I want to blare the song to her...I want to email the words to her...I want grandma's arms around me that just made everything okay... But all these things are impossible because she wouldn't understand the words that are so easy to read & understand for me and the pain is one of the most raw things I have ever known.
Keeping this anger from being unleashed at her is the only way I know left to love her.
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The daily jazz of my mind, as pure & honest as possible; but know that words are themselves filters of the original thought/idea.
