Pianos play for pages before some of us like the song of our lives. No matter where you are in your song, it's the first note you feel that tears you apart and makes you thankful to be alive.
It's eleven o'clock and I've been working off and on since seven this morning. I started working in my room while Juan ran the front desk then I took over in the afternoon. It's been steadily busy all night. At first I was surprised, but then I had to remind myself that I've been working on my own. I remind myself that last year I had a helper and though there was squabbling, there was someone to share the workload.
Keith will be arriving soon and I will retreat back into the space that has become mine here at work; a square bedroom with hard floors and two small alley ways on either side of the bed. One side is currently lined with dirty clothes that are rapidly piling around the bags of clean, unfolded clothes. The other side is a parking lane for the boxes removed from the apartment this last Monday.
I hear my song and it's so beautiful I smile and weep at the same time. Deft tones resonate. The vibrations reveal a motherless boy who sees affection as his nemesis. Those who have been hooked cannot seem to belive beyond this paradigm. Do they then see me as weak when I touch them with such sincere frailty? Does my lending to vulnerabilty set in motion a battlefield they must position themselves on to hold ground; save face? Or do they learn by example...and see that my strength has always been in letting all feelings have value and weight. A tear clears the eye of debris as much as it can the heart the fallen tree in its path.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Alicia Keys - "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart"
Even if you are a million miles away I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you
You you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me
Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you
You you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me
Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right till the end
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Anybody could’ve told you right from the start it’s ‘bout to fall apart
So why not then hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight
So tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Never Eat Shreaded Wheat
I gazed at the moon earlier before I started working and I knew that tonight was going to be fraught with the drama that is real life unfolding everyday. I spent time alone in my room listening to music and chatting online with my sister. She reminded me of a story from when the ex b/f, Randy, and I stayed in Laguna Niguel at my mom's condo when she was younger. Laughs.
I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing the family together very soon. This second time moving back to live at my work temporarily has displaced me in a different way than I experienced it the last time. It's hard for me to formulate the words to convey the feeling. There is the part of me who excels at being independent and single and that part of my personality is breathing fresh air again. I told James earlier that change can be a good thing but when making a change it's usually good to have a purpose or idea of a direction...
And so my compass working.
I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing the family together very soon. This second time moving back to live at my work temporarily has displaced me in a different way than I experienced it the last time. It's hard for me to formulate the words to convey the feeling. There is the part of me who excels at being independent and single and that part of my personality is breathing fresh air again. I told James earlier that change can be a good thing but when making a change it's usually good to have a purpose or idea of a direction...
And so my compass working.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Esoterically Erotic
I bought a CD for the first time in as long as I can remember. I was at Amoeba Records on Sunset where I've been purchasing used movies over the course of the past year--since he entered my life. There are so many things of "the city" that I've become used to because of an adaptable nature. Like them or not.... adapting sometimes has no bias.
The CD is eSTHeRO's "Wicked Lil Grrrls." I've previously enjoyed her song on the GO soundtrack as well as the single "OG Bitch." As the title track starts to play right now I realize that this played on a Smallville episode. I want to cry for a second, then I smile and swallow the sudden rush of saliva that filled my mouth as if the tears were sucked back and flushed down the nasal passage. It's a fun song nonetheless.
Still one hour until the Domino's pizza that I pre-ordered will even begin to be baked. I think a walk to the store is in order as my stomach can't wait.
October was a very bad month. November isn't looking much brighter yet.
The CD is eSTHeRO's "Wicked Lil Grrrls." I've previously enjoyed her song on the GO soundtrack as well as the single "OG Bitch." As the title track starts to play right now I realize that this played on a Smallville episode. I want to cry for a second, then I smile and swallow the sudden rush of saliva that filled my mouth as if the tears were sucked back and flushed down the nasal passage. It's a fun song nonetheless.
Still one hour until the Domino's pizza that I pre-ordered will even begin to be baked. I think a walk to the store is in order as my stomach can't wait.
October was a very bad month. November isn't looking much brighter yet.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Walking Hollywood
There is that look that you can see in a guy's eyes when they pass by that is not truly attraction, but curiosity at knowing both the look staring back at them and the feeling they have without thought or warning.
I enjoy surprise sometimes
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Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sleep Silent Angel, GoTo Sleep
Today is a harder day than most have been this week. I type that with eyes full of tears. I've taken to continuously repeating the song "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies. Not even venting in the Monkey Blog is really helping this morning. Soon, I hope to be so exhausted that my body's infantile programming will kick in and have me curled up into a ball.
Sometimes...
Peace comes upon me and it leaves me weak.
Sometimes...
Peace comes upon me and it leaves me weak.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Found A Candlelight Flower Blooming
It's really beautiful at my work right now. It's not often that I can say that and feel in on an almost spiritual level. (many different reasons and variables for not being able to if you don't know my work) Right now the low-level azure ambient lighting is almost indigo infused with the backdrop of night's blackness. (I've even lowered the brightness on the computer screens to zero to further the effect.)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
So Far Away....
It's easy in sleep where dreams are.
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Where, not what, is the point?
"Just go ahead and fly again... no one's going to hold you back."
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Child's Voice
It's been a LONG weekend at work for me. I didn't intend it to be, but the culmination of a new position, an intense but ending relationship and being the off week for payday I ended up staying on property until this morning. I just woke up an hour ago to my phone...three hours after I was supposed to be awake.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Chasing Pavements
Whatever patterns we feel comfortable with, I will always see him for the beauty; feel the comfort of lazy days under slats of sunlight from the nearby window.
It's very hard to see images of intimacy shared so freely. Ads, work, dollars and cents. Of course it's sad. Yes my eyes get glossy, but I know in my heart what I shared was the first and probably only time that I will allow such an exchange. We may never see intimacy the same way, but it doesn't diminish the value I placed on each touch. (Each memory)
Cries do not extinguish passion.
Caring cannot ignore actions.
Kisses are not complete sentences.
Craving his love keeps gentle quakes coarsing through my body.
I hold on. I let go.
I wish upon the stars as the rain finds me looking up.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Alphabet Soup
"Like living on an island...I've lost all land in sight." - Sarah Brightman
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Today I Feel Summer
The night is warm as I pass the T-Mobile corner. One need only look up into the July sky to see the Full Moon is keeping city heat illuminated on this skewed grid of streets.
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Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday 411
It's a Friday night and even the city seems to be deep in thought as I glide over the 101 to see that there is no traffic. The bus is relatively empty. It has been wet all day.
A few nights back I talked with a homeless man who sat down beside me on the bus. While I am generally uncomfortable with any stranger striking up conversation with me, that feeling was not as strong as it normally is. I had a Corona Light earlier in the night and a second bottle in my backpack. At the end of our conversation, I gave him the bottle and he slipped it into his pants pocket. I have no idea if I added to or alleviated anything in the long or short term, but I felt that feeling I get by givng someone directions who are lost.
(Even if I can't find my destination)
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