Hot Desert Trip

8:46pm, Las Vegas

I just finished shaving and didn't bother drying my face. It's so warm here in Las Vegas that the wet skin is a small heaven. I'm enjoying it as I type because after the next sentence I'm sure it will be nearly dry. This is the kind of heat that no matter how much deodorant you put on, you're always a little damp all over. Mini-beads on the brow and back of neck that cool as a wind hits them; absorbed perspiration from the chest and lower back that soaks into an undershirt. There is that body scent of one's natural smell and deodorant that mixes in warmth like this. Body humidity smell. In its own way it is sexy and that's how I feel knowing the venture that is about to be undertaken in a couple of hours.

Nathan is in the shower. My outfit for the evening is laid out on the chair next to this bed. My phone rings. I don't know the number so I send it to voice mail. I wonder if whoever it is will leave a message. I don't know if I want to take another shower before going out, but as I hear the voice mail beeping, I realize that I definitely do want to shower again. (pause to listen to msg) It's an invite to go to a club back home, but seeing as I'm not there, it would be difficult to be in two places at the same time. Hmm, I think, "Not hard with a video cam projecting my image." Burp.

I bought a pair of shoes--because one seldom buys just a single shoe--at this store, Elitan, at the Irvine Spectrum about a month ago. They're royal blue, yellow around the sole's showing side and back. The shoelaces are yellow and there's a red design on the sides and on the back near one's achilles tendon. I think of them as "toy" shoes. They are the only pair of shoes I brought with me to Vegas, but I've been wearing my orange flip flops since I've been here. Summer and bare feet are my childhood memory. It's comfortable being barefoot. Sunscape [Alucard Remix] by Amtthew Adams/Stratosphere Soundsystem.

I played Blackjack at The Fortune casino here in Henderson. Steve & Barbara were great company as we watched our money get sucked into the house. Nate was the dealer of choice throughout the day. He made losing seem fun, or maybe we were all doing that. I learned that Barbara has been married 44 years and now enjoys going on cruises and that Steve is probably gay. (Though there was no confirmation) I had nothing to drink at the table and am not in the mood to drink tonight when we go out.

It looks like there has been a shift in tonight's plans so I'll abandon typing to figure out how to make the best of the news I've been given. (9:14pm)

Party Screamers

Space in the closet if freeing up.

I've felt too tired the last 24 hours. The kind of tired where all I want to do is stay laying down, motionless. Sleeping. I felt this way while Jorge was here yesterday. When I took him home, I thought I would go to bed early, but when I got back home I started eating and eating. I ended up staying awake and watching TV until 3am. So lazy right now. I've forced myself into a sitting position to write this.

Quiet, quiet house. A world of vehicles in the distance out my window. One of them is backing up somewhere; the familiar tones of the backup beeps. All of the sounds begin to trail like that of an airplane that flies overhead and then is lost in the clouds.

I got to spend some time with Cardwell on Tuesday. He came over to go to Thrust. Jorge went too--his first time at any type of club at all. That was fun to watch. The whole night was actually very positive. Bobby & his cousin, Patrick, were there. Jorge knew people. Randy was in a punchy, jovial mood all night. I danced and smiled. I was soaked by the end of the evening, so the change of clothing that was waiting for me in the car was as good as cotton gets in my life. The Denny's occupation afterward was the most laughter I've had since the drive home from Las Vegas last year with Cardwell. Tears just bursting out of my eyes; the flow increasing any time that Randy and I actually looked at each other while listening to the conversations around us.

In the rear view mirror of my life, I've never been the kind of morning personality that smiles upon encounters with people. Even while happiness has briefed its rays upon me, there is a reservation with wreckless abandon that keeps a room.

Unpacking The Past

Is it the shuttle launch? Is it Cardwell's absence? Is it this family reunion that's supposed to take place in a couple weeks in Washington? Is it the complete void where ideas should be for things I'd like to do for work? Is it the AFL-CIO split? (haha) What is it that has me awake right now? Grrr.

I started going through a box in my closet that has old writing, letters to and from people, collections of the past. Poems from Jared and Lanny written in 1998. Sweet things. A mind forgets these things.

Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network.

Thursday Things

Clubs, TV, internet, gaming. Those are the things that people I've talked to tonight are doing. A normal Thursday evening by all accounts. I feel like doing none of those things, but the internet is how I post this so.....

I decided to go through a stack of paper that I pulled out of a filing cabinet probably almost a year ago. It's been occupying different positions on the floor of my room since then. I move it from one location to the next when I need to vacuum underneath. Sometimes it gets the luxury of resting on the shelf. So many letters from old pen pals. You remember, the days before sending e-mails? Maybe some of you don't, actually. One letter that stands out to me is this one from Holly (Turner) dated April 2, 1995:

"My mother once told me an interesting story. No, not the one about her dream where O.J. stole her purse. This one was about her artistic talent, and why she never uses it. It goes like this: Long ago, when she was a young girl growing up in Maui, she used to walk the beach looking for debris. One day she found a large piece of driftwood and suddenly felt compelled to take it home and carve it into something. So she did, and she ended up carving it into an Asian woman's head and shoulders. My mom put it out in her garden, but soon she found that as she passed it, it would look back at her, and she would be frightened. The whole thing was scary. Why did she create this thing? Who was this Asian woman she had carved? It looked so realistic. It seemed to stare at her menacingly. Finally she grabbed it and ran to the beach and threw it back into the ocean. And that's why I always examine the driftwood carefully when I go to the beach. Well, actually it also made me wonder how many potential artists out there are hindered by the fact that their creations terrify them..."

Mine do.

!@#$@%

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK..... all the lights are off in my room, I'm going to touch the keyboard of the laptop to start my playlist to fall asleep, and up over the top of the screen crawls Mr. Eight Legs and his 1/4 inch body. And I thought the adrenaline rush was over when I finished masturbating. FUCK!

Brainstream [unedited]

What games am I playing with myself? This writing that could be so much more. Collecting things as I breathe each day. I stop and think of past professionals, past artists, past pasts. I suppose I should be playing a game that I enjoy. Yes, one that benefits me....no? Maybe that is not the purpose of this energy's spark. "Free will" are words of an expression often used, but there is nothing free about exercising it. I think like a child; immediate sight, immediate dealings. Watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" reminded me of that. So write I think. But this is one thought of many. Jorge repeats the words that so many have told me. I think too much. Weight. Wait. Glancing around my room, still too much clutter for my taste, but less so than ever before. I had a visit from Bobby this morning. He brought his gay cousin with him. The seemingly random energies that transfer through when I feel this way are more thoughts that stir. Do they come at such times to test my own resolve or to remind me of something else? Air conditioner. Cool down the thoughts of a boy, not a child now. Hiding is a man, quite aware of this world situation and quite powerless in the conventional way of man to think. Powerful in spirit. I'm bracing for impact--have been for a while. I'm so strapped in that I don't think it's the impact that will hurt, rather, the things that are supposed to save me. Milk sounds good. I'm not really hungry but could eat, but no more eating out now that I've embarked on having a vehicle again. Everyone is asking if I'm excited to have it and I think, "No, not really." It has not been touched all day. I was at The Abbey this last Saturday; a tour guide for Voltaire, though while being there I felt adrift somehow, like even knowing the place, I didn't KNOW the place. (Or maybe didn't want to know) Gil was there and still nothing really understood about what type of relationship we have. I read blogs from other people and they seem so simple compared to what I type. Is that mean to say? I doubt that any of us really try to sound complex when we're uploading these thoughts. It's "stuff" in our heads. It's background noise in our brains and we choose to share it like this. Sometimes there's no other way to share it. Sometimes there aren't the skills to talk or the desire to touch in any other way. I miss my friends because they are so far away and our lives continue to grow further apart. That doesn't mean that new relationships don't form, because they do. I've spent more time with Ken in the last few weeks than I have Cardwell.. haha. It's a different kind of relationship and the people who bridge into me are not always the people I would guess. (Or maybe choose, or not choose) The game that I want to play I'm not sure if I can win, and that's sad that I think that way; for playing the game might be what winning is all about--- and then again, winning shouldn't be as important as it is made to be. It is. Because we have taught ourselves to believe that and continue to teach it. I walk a wire, weary of which way I wander. (What gallows await me in any game I play?)

What is Success

I was cleaning out old e-mails and ran across this. If this is true, then I think the lesson to learn is to skip the middle part and remember what's really important in life. Thought I would share.

SUCCESS AT AGE:

4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
12 success is . . . having friends.
16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
20 success is . . . having money.
35 success is . . . having money.
50 success is . . . having hair.
60 success is . . . not sagging.
70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
75 success is . . . having friends.
80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Pick-up

I'm wearing a button up shirt that was given to me by a stranger while I was in San Francisco a few weeks ago. I took a shower in his apartment. No, I didn't sleep with him. I thought it was very kind of him. Martin and Art are downstairs laughing at the TV show they're watching. I'm listening to "Communication" by The Cardigans. Scotticus sent it to me while we were chatting yesterday. I receive so much from others. It should be enough to keep me happy.

Happiness is that thing that I make for myself, I know. I just wish that everything in me would cooperate. It's part Mac and part Windows. I operate, and breakdown. Restarting takes so much time. Sometimes I walk away from myself to come back and see from a different perspective.

Where Are The Rustling Leaves

Art told me that he talked to Randy (my ex, Humbee), last night. Told me on the drive to the beach. Now, hours later and not being able to fall asleep, I sit to write this poem and see what I cannot let go of.

(1:45pm)
If baby's breath can be planted
Then adult ailments can grow
And vines that tangle
The built up walls
Bridge Earth and Sun...eternal

Our engines forging forward;
A fog to light the way
So when he turns the bed down
A wind finds ways of winning

Clear Garden's colorful shine
Received the water from My stream
Their beautiful aroma is heartache
Save Spirit and Body to hold

Mozilla

So here I am typing within Mozilla's Foxfire browser. I'm testing it out to see if I like it. So far, so good. They also have an e-mail client called Thunderbird. I'm not so happy with that because it cannot get any of my Hotmail. (But I am trying to ween away from that anyway) So anyway, the testing will continue over the next week.

The car I was scheduled to see tomorrow has been sold. :-(** So that leaves me with an alternative to look at on Friday evening before hosting Geek Night for the premiere of all the new Sci-Fi channel shows. Yay.

Stirring. Stirring. Evita plays.

So last Sunday was a bit overcast. Hard to tell when you take a black & white photo. Oh well. I like the way it looked. It reflected something of my weekend mood. 

Holding Shoulders

So somewhat arbitrarily I decided not to get drunk starting on June 1st. I did not vow not to drink at all, just simply not to take it to the point where I'm laughing at everything and then falling asleep on the ride home. So far I'm on track.

"Jealousy is a useless emotion that one must learn to overcome until it is no more."
-jmp

I'm working on posting my poetry in another blog. Once it's all up, I'll put a link here on the journal so it can be accessed. I have to find everything filed away first.

A sixteen year old on MySpace sent me a message that read, "hey umm i know this is random but your really hott and i would so let you have your way with me....:) " Okay, when I was 16, I would have nothing to do with someone 21, let alone 30. It's flattering, but as Cardwell is fond of saying, "16 will get you 20." haha

I downloaded the pictures from Sunday at the beach. Some really cute ones. I mailed them out to Art, Cody, Jared, Martin, Will & Steven. I also got several pictures of La Tortuga for Sebastian. (She's a beach fixture and I cannot say anything more.)

I haven't been to THRUST in a while so I'm thinking about going tonight. See how I do among people. The public. Sometimes I just hate people. Sometimes I marginally like them. Haha.. That sounds so horrible. Perhaps it's just more honest leaking through as two whole weeks have passed so I know these meds are completely into me by now. (As proven by not sleeping last night because I never got tired.) I forced myself to nap for a couple hours in the morning.

Survey Says?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jeremy
Birthday:	Thursday
Birthplace:	EARTH
Current Location:	Irvine, CA
Eye Color:	Black in the middle, hazel around that, then white around that, WITH eyelids
Hair Color:	Mom says it's Dark Brown, but we all know when you put product in it, looks black
Height:	With shoes or without? 5'9" barefoot
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Yes
Your Heritage:	I come from a long chain of DNA
The Shoes You Wore Today:	It's 9:13am, i haven't worn any shoes yet.
Your Weakness:	Giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Your Fears:	Me, Myself & I
Your Perfect Pizza:	Umm, cooked?
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	I don't play soccer anymore.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Super (Usually meant sarcastically)
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Kill those birds
Your Bedtime:	Anytime after midnight
Your Most Missed Memory:	Spending time with my grandmother
Pepsi or Coke:	RC Cola, duh. (Ok, Cherry Coke)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Jack-In-The-Box
Single or Group Dates:	Single if just getting to know someone, Group if you've been together a while
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Earl Grey, Jasmine, Chamomile (Hot)
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla (Chocolate only with nuts)
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Barf. Never finished a cup of coffee in my life.
Do you Smoke:	Nope
Do you Swear:	Darnit, what the Heck kind of question is this. Fudge!
Do you Sing:	When I feel compelled to do so.
Do you Shower Daily:	I'm scared that this is really a question. I'm not a commando.
Have you Been in Love:	A few times.
Do you want to go to College:	hahahaha, sometimes yes, sometimes no
Do you want to get Married:	It's sort of a moot questions unless I live in Mass.
Do you belive in yourself:	I think, therefore, I am. I believe so, or else who is pushing the keyboard keys?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope. (Not even on waterbeds)
Do you think you are Attractive:	Interesting question. More so now than when I was younger.
Are you a Health Freak:	Absolutely! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream.
Do you get along with your Parents:	In short bursts of time spread out.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	I don't really consider the Piano an instrument so much as a little piece of heaven.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Hmm... do the pot brownies at SF Pride count?
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes sadly, I cannot tell a lie.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No, and if you have fatty, PUT THE BOX DOWN.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	I'm not a canibal, and if I was I would not eat a Japanese girl.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	I was called up from the audience at a Rudy de la More
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Kinda hard to be dumped when you don't have a b/f and no one's taken me to a landfill
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No. Only done it once in my life. Thanks Josh.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	You don't really steal someone's virginity, right?
Ever been Drunk:	Yes, in both senses of the question.
Ever been called a Tease:	Yup... I'm old fashioned
Ever been Beaten up:	Chad in kindergarten. Thanks for the stiches.
Ever Shoplifted:	I take the 5th. (And I'll take that, and that and that too)
How do you want to Die:	By my own choosing
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	It's never going to happen
What country would you most like to Visit:	Australia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Don't have one.
Favourite Hair Color:	Umm... look one above
Short or Long Hair:	Generally short, but longer hair sometimes catches my eye.
Height:	Within a few inches taller or short than me.
Weight:	Proportional to their body
Best Clothing Style:	Like I know anything about style but having your own.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Well, caffeine is a drug, plus antibiotics, plus OTC and those "other" ones. I don't have any idea.
Number of CDs I own:	Don't know, I rip them to my computer and then never look at them again usually.
Number of Piercings:	None now. Have had, tongue, eyebrow, ears
Number of Tattoos:	One. Chinese characters for "peaceful" and "tiger"
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Maybe one or two, but never dwell.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Spirits Running Free

"A degree in the School of Life is only earned when one's Death Certificate is issued."
-jmp

Rey came over last night and we shared a couple rum & cokes and then played The Cube. While he smoked in the backyard, we talked about growing and understand ideas and people's motivations. He too called me a "free spirit." I've written about this before somewhere in this journal. I never quite know what a person means when they call me that. Rey tried to explain it in words. It basically came out to me that my understanding of people and the actions I take in life formulate the picture of a free spirit for him. I suppose that the perceptions of others will always be different than my feelings inside--the voids and darkness that others cannot see. I think of this as the outter space within me. It is infinite and vast and interminable to traverse. One could get lost if really looking inward too deeply, so I've been learning to focus outward.

And the world outside is so much smaller. Easier to understand. So if this makes me a free spirit.... then I wish that more could have this understanding.

Internet Meeting Sites

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Leaving, learning, leaning

There are some special things that people have given to me over the years. Letters, poems, sculptures, music, their time, their kisses. When possible I keep them in special files or displayed. These items that were crafted by hand show the minds of the people behind them. They convey emotion even though they are just inanimate objects. When meaning is given to something, a sort of life begins.

I haven't been able to crack the right side of my neck for over two weeks now. I can get the little cracks to come out, but the really good feeling kind just won't happen. It hurts to crack my big toe on my right foot too, but that's been the case for several months now. The good news about my body today is that I had my eye doctor check up and one year after surgery my vision is still 20/15. One year down... another 30-40 to go?

Summertime settle down time. I'm getting that feeling from friends and some strangers. However, the ever rampant run free and dip your stick in every bowl of honey isn't gone or forgotten either. I find myself in the former group now. I'm taking time to get to know people and see who they are as people and see how that fits in with me. (Or doesn't) I feel extremely impatient through this process, but I know what happens when one foregoes taking the time. If I were straight, I'd probably end up married and wondering why I was. Not fun. This is the right we fight for? Well, why not? We should be able to have just as great of fuck ups as anyone else. (Oh, and the joys too =)

Fourth of July weekend was spent at the beach for two days. I became ill with strep throat on Sunday and I don't remember being hit with it so hard since I was a child. Leftover Levaquin seems to be taking care of it. Who knew you could buy antibiotics online without a prescription? Crazy beautiful.

Tripping The Rift. Very funny show.