To Know You Know Nothing

Knowing you know nothing is said to be wisdom. It is some type of absolute truth that flies for those that need that kind of solace of reason. It's simply a play with words. (Whether it be true or not)

BOY SANDS; WINDED DUNES THEY BECOME:
Will has the trappings of a teenage life that we try to break from.
I am introduced to Gil within the past weeks.
I have been following the banter of Mario forever.
Peter has requested another crossing of paths.
Eddy is taking steps to recovery. I hope.
Nathan is coming into town on Saturday.
Randy is working again and we are separated by mountains.
I was at Thrust on Tuesday and saw Jason.
I also spend some lip time with Kal.
Events shaping for this weekend made me cancel with Jorge.
Lanny spent an hour on the phone, sending a surge through me.
Tyler continues to make me smile as he grows.

These names are friends, acquaintances, crushes, or something else. They were in my head as I put my music on. My playlist called "tant." (no meaning, just the sound that came to mind as I was naming it.) Crowded House "Into Temptation" fades to Dido's "White Flag." One could put meaning to the transition that giving into temptation is waving a white flag to stop a conflict; an inner conflict. We are fraught with them because of lesson lost, lesson unlearned, selective forgetfulness. So I say crazy straight forward things sometimes. I'm weird for it to some. A lot of the time I've grown silent. There is an a supply of energy that is required to sustain weird. When weird is what you are and energy is in low supply, the quiet is better than the strain.

This thing about age comes up so often now. I'm 30. I'm around people who are 18-25 quite often and they seem to think I'm within their age group. I can be mentally. There are points where it's ridiculous and I jump back to my wisdom. But it's not the wisdom of a 30 year old. It's something innate that has been with my soul forever. I can read my words from 15 years ago and see the same wisdom that I disperse now. It's not as profound now because my contemporaries are finally "catching up." (Some of them) Most are still bogged down by the ideas of making some type of name or legacy for themselves. Perhaps saying bogged down is too cynical. In fact, it's a judgment that I am passing in my own thoughts. Incorrectly. It is simply a different route through the roads of life to death.

"And if you won't let me go, I'm just harder to hold..."
-Estero "Song For Holly" from the movie GO.

I've always liked that line. It's the struggle between parent and child at the meeting of wills--Independence and Control. One trying to gain and the other trying not to lose. It's the cry of freedom in a relationship of two lovers. Space needed and suffocation returned; a stale love hangs in the air. The line is also a literal visual of a struggle. I often tap into lyrics and pure sounds in music.

I got my license reinstated Thursday morning. I also had the corrective lenses restriction taken off. People complain about going to the DMV, but there's something about the place that I like. I guess that's my weird entering in again. I was not prepared for a picture being taken today so of course a picture was taken today. I can't wait to see how it gets embossed behind the Seal of California. This state of my birth. This state that I contemplate leaving. This state that I'm linked to by emotions and relationships, not by money or jobs or institutions. So now that I have a license, of course the thoughts of a car come in. Grrrr. Riding the bus has been such a financial benefit these last five months.

Serzone taken an hour ago is starting to be felt at the base of my skull. I still have my pillows. My blankets; the arms that go around them all.