"Bring in that floating fat man."
-Emperor
Friday, May 27, 2005
To Know You Know Nothing
Knowing you know nothing is said to be wisdom. It is some type of absolute truth that flies for those that need that kind of solace of reason. It's simply a play with words. (Whether it be true or not)
BOY SANDS; WINDED DUNES THEY BECOME:
Will has the trappings of a teenage life that we try to break from.
I am introduced to Gil within the past weeks.
I have been following the banter of Mario forever.
Peter has requested another crossing of paths.
Eddy is taking steps to recovery. I hope.
Nathan is coming into town on Saturday.
Randy is working again and we are separated by mountains.
I was at Thrust on Tuesday and saw Jason.
I also spend some lip time with Kal.
Events shaping for this weekend made me cancel with Jorge.
Lanny spent an hour on the phone, sending a surge through me.
Tyler continues to make me smile as he grows.
These names are friends, acquaintances, crushes, or something else. They were in my head as I put my music on. My playlist called "tant." (no meaning, just the sound that came to mind as I was naming it.) Crowded House "Into Temptation" fades to Dido's "White Flag." One could put meaning to the transition that giving into temptation is waving a white flag to stop a conflict; an inner conflict. We are fraught with them because of lesson lost, lesson unlearned, selective forgetfulness. So I say crazy straight forward things sometimes. I'm weird for it to some. A lot of the time I've grown silent. There is an a supply of energy that is required to sustain weird. When weird is what you are and energy is in low supply, the quiet is better than the strain.
This thing about age comes up so often now. I'm 30. I'm around people who are 18-25 quite often and they seem to think I'm within their age group. I can be mentally. There are points where it's ridiculous and I jump back to my wisdom. But it's not the wisdom of a 30 year old. It's something innate that has been with my soul forever. I can read my words from 15 years ago and see the same wisdom that I disperse now. It's not as profound now because my contemporaries are finally "catching up." (Some of them) Most are still bogged down by the ideas of making some type of name or legacy for themselves. Perhaps saying bogged down is too cynical. In fact, it's a judgment that I am passing in my own thoughts. Incorrectly. It is simply a different route through the roads of life to death.
"And if you won't let me go, I'm just harder to hold..."
-Estero "Song For Holly" from the movie GO.
I've always liked that line. It's the struggle between parent and child at the meeting of wills--Independence and Control. One trying to gain and the other trying not to lose. It's the cry of freedom in a relationship of two lovers. Space needed and suffocation returned; a stale love hangs in the air. The line is also a literal visual of a struggle. I often tap into lyrics and pure sounds in music.
I got my license reinstated Thursday morning. I also had the corrective lenses restriction taken off. People complain about going to the DMV, but there's something about the place that I like. I guess that's my weird entering in again. I was not prepared for a picture being taken today so of course a picture was taken today. I can't wait to see how it gets embossed behind the Seal of California. This state of my birth. This state that I contemplate leaving. This state that I'm linked to by emotions and relationships, not by money or jobs or institutions. So now that I have a license, of course the thoughts of a car come in. Grrrr. Riding the bus has been such a financial benefit these last five months.
Serzone taken an hour ago is starting to be felt at the base of my skull. I still have my pillows. My blankets; the arms that go around them all.
BOY SANDS; WINDED DUNES THEY BECOME:
Will has the trappings of a teenage life that we try to break from.
I am introduced to Gil within the past weeks.
I have been following the banter of Mario forever.
Peter has requested another crossing of paths.
Eddy is taking steps to recovery. I hope.
Nathan is coming into town on Saturday.
Randy is working again and we are separated by mountains.
I was at Thrust on Tuesday and saw Jason.
I also spend some lip time with Kal.
Events shaping for this weekend made me cancel with Jorge.
Lanny spent an hour on the phone, sending a surge through me.
Tyler continues to make me smile as he grows.
These names are friends, acquaintances, crushes, or something else. They were in my head as I put my music on. My playlist called "tant." (no meaning, just the sound that came to mind as I was naming it.) Crowded House "Into Temptation" fades to Dido's "White Flag." One could put meaning to the transition that giving into temptation is waving a white flag to stop a conflict; an inner conflict. We are fraught with them because of lesson lost, lesson unlearned, selective forgetfulness. So I say crazy straight forward things sometimes. I'm weird for it to some. A lot of the time I've grown silent. There is an a supply of energy that is required to sustain weird. When weird is what you are and energy is in low supply, the quiet is better than the strain.
This thing about age comes up so often now. I'm 30. I'm around people who are 18-25 quite often and they seem to think I'm within their age group. I can be mentally. There are points where it's ridiculous and I jump back to my wisdom. But it's not the wisdom of a 30 year old. It's something innate that has been with my soul forever. I can read my words from 15 years ago and see the same wisdom that I disperse now. It's not as profound now because my contemporaries are finally "catching up." (Some of them) Most are still bogged down by the ideas of making some type of name or legacy for themselves. Perhaps saying bogged down is too cynical. In fact, it's a judgment that I am passing in my own thoughts. Incorrectly. It is simply a different route through the roads of life to death.
"And if you won't let me go, I'm just harder to hold..."
-Estero "Song For Holly" from the movie GO.
I've always liked that line. It's the struggle between parent and child at the meeting of wills--Independence and Control. One trying to gain and the other trying not to lose. It's the cry of freedom in a relationship of two lovers. Space needed and suffocation returned; a stale love hangs in the air. The line is also a literal visual of a struggle. I often tap into lyrics and pure sounds in music.
I got my license reinstated Thursday morning. I also had the corrective lenses restriction taken off. People complain about going to the DMV, but there's something about the place that I like. I guess that's my weird entering in again. I was not prepared for a picture being taken today so of course a picture was taken today. I can't wait to see how it gets embossed behind the Seal of California. This state of my birth. This state that I contemplate leaving. This state that I'm linked to by emotions and relationships, not by money or jobs or institutions. So now that I have a license, of course the thoughts of a car come in. Grrrr. Riding the bus has been such a financial benefit these last five months.
Serzone taken an hour ago is starting to be felt at the base of my skull. I still have my pillows. My blankets; the arms that go around them all.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Side Sleeping
An hour and fifteen minutes ago I turned the tv and lights off. My mind didn't turn off though. Not even turning on my side, wrapping an arm around the extra pillow and pretending that someone was in my arms was comfort enough to make me drowsy.
Side sleeping alone isn't the same.
Side sleeping alone isn't the same.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
104 Things Of No Consequence
1. What is the worst part of your music collection?
If I have it, how could it be bad? =) I'm sure others would find plenty to weed out.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
Ice Cream
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Hmm, there are a few, but I think it's the music behind the scene that enhances the moment for me... THE COLOR PURPLE (When Shug sings all the way to the church and tells her pastor father, "See daddy, sinners have soul too." & when Celie meets her sister/children at the end), LOVE ACTUALLY (When Joni Mitchell's orchestral version of "Clouds" is playing), SOUTHPARK (everytime Kenny dies... ok, just making sure you're reading this)
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
I'll forego saying I wouldn't and just pick something anything to do with smoothing out wrinkles that does not include botox.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
No, I'm pretty sure all mine are rational.
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I will play with the ends of my long sleeve shirt.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
Fire! Fire! Fire! Probably.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Never
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Is Wes considered famous? Maybe in our lil gay world. But if I did know someone, I don't think I'd name drop.
10. Describe your bed:
It's a futon mattress on a wooden frame. NOT, a couch bed. Simple.
11. Spontaneous or planned?
Both. Professionally more planned, everyday life more spontaneous.
12. Who should play you in a movie about your life?
Me...hey if Marshall Mathers can do it so can I.
13. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, but I don't have much of a poker face.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My plastic cards (I.D., Bank & credit)
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Innocence & imagination
16. Are you happy with your given name?
Yes & No. The 'given' name on my birth certificate is MYCROFT. (Sherlock Holmes' older brother) I had my first & middle names legally changed, so JEREMY suits me fine.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
$1.25 million
18. What color is your bedroom?
One wall a deep, dark green and the rest white.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
"Just Let Go" by Fischer Spooner
20. Have you ever been in a play?
Yes
21. Have you ever been in love?
A few times now
22. Do you talk a lot?
Nope
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Probably not as much as other do
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Sometimes. I ran away from home when I was 17 and made a life for myself. There are resources for them to use if they try. Of course, I exclude any mentally ill people who wander the streets.
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Absolutely, unless provoked.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
N/A at the moment...haha. When there is a b/f in the picture, time usually swings in their favor depending on how serious it is.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
America....someday.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Cello
29. Favorite fabric?
Silk or Rayon
30. Something you love and hate?
At the same time... PEOPLE. Separately: L-Beach H-Greed/power
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
hahahaha.. wtf? Sheets & many blankets, though I usually only use one.
32. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
If asked and it does not reveal too much personal information about those involved.
33. What's the one language you want to learn?
ASL (American Sign Language)
34. How do you eat an apple?
With my teeth.
35. What do you order at a bar?
What don't I order is a better question.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yes: ears, eyebrow and tongue. Nothing is pierced anymore.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Yes. One on my back between the shoulder blades. Chinese characters for "Peaceful" and "Tiger"
38. Do you drive a stick?
When I do drive, yes, it's usually a stick.
39. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Dominance or the pursuit of power over others
40. What kind of watch(es) do you have?
I don't.
41. Most frivolous purchase?
DVD's, CD's and Video Games
42. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
No
43. What do you cook the best?
Anything if there's a recipe to follow. Boiling water if there isn't.
44. Favorite writing instrument?
A Fine or Extra Fine gel pen that glides and leaves no breaks when writing fast.
45. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
I think I blend in naturally, but there are rare moments when I stick out.
46. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
How much am I being paid?
47. What's the one car you will never buy?
Any SUV unless they get it driving at 30mpg or above.
48. What kind of books do you like to read?
I don't.
49. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Pay off any outstanding credit, invest, buy a home, pay off my mother & brother's homes, put my sister through college, put myself through college and travel.
50. Burial or cremation?
Cremation
51. How many online journals do you read regularly?
None regularly. I do when I do.
52. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Super Smash Bros., but only when playing with my ex.
53. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
Hmm...I ignore them.
54. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Rarely
55. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
That I'm an ass or that I'm very laid back. Extremes.
56. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Drive
57. Are you a giver or a taker?
I give more, in many ways... lol
58. When's the last time you cried?
Hahahaha, about 55 questions ago when I popped THE COLOR PURPLE in the DVD player to get the exact quote to put for an answer.
59. Favorite communication method?
Telepathy
60. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Way too many.
61. Do you think you're cute?
Depends what day it is. Generally, yes.
62. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Problems? I think I'm physically able to do it, but don't.
63. First Name:
Jeremy
64. Were you named after anyone?
See above question about "given name."
65. Do you wish on stars?
Only falling or shooting ones.
66. Which finger is your favorite?
If you have a favorite finger, I would like to take this opportunity to laugh at you.
67. Who are you more like - your mother or your father?
Don't know my father so by default...
68. Do you like your handwriting?
I don't mind it. It's so messy that not many others can read it.
69. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Well, with choices like Pig, Cow, Turkey & Chicken... probably chicken.
70. Any bad habits?
I like to drive fast.
71. What's in your CD player right now?
A copy of a CD I made for an ex
72. Do you believe in soul mates?
Yes, but I believe that there is more than just one per person.
73. Are you a daredevil?
Yea
74. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to?
To save someone's life, yes.
75. Do looks matter?
In what? In attraction, yes. And though I don't personally feel it matters, workplace people think it matters too, but I'm all about whether a person does their job or not.
76. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?
Hahaha, of course.
77. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Not anymore, those damn leprechauns.
78. Are you trendy?
No way.
79. How do you release anger?
By running or playing the piano and sometimes writing
80. Where are your second homes?
In my dreams
81. Do you trust others easily?
No. It's earned usually.
82. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I don't remember having one.
83. What class in school did you think was totally useless?
Calculus, because I wasn't becoming an engineer.
84. Do you have a journal?
Yes...you're reading it.
85. Have you been in a mosh pit?
Yes
86. What do you look for in a boy/girl?
Eyes, wit, honesty, individuality, attitude (not the bad kind) and a nice ass never hurt either.
87. What are your nicknames?
Jer?
88. Would you ever bungee jump?
Already have.
89. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Generally, no.
90. Do you think that you are strong?
Yes
91. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
No way, not just one. Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch, Nutty Waffel Cone, most any Rocky Road, Mint Chip, Vanilla Bean...on and on and on...
92. What's your favorite color?
green
93. What is your least favorite food?
Bell Peppers or jalepenos
94. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
None. I had them removed to make room for just the wisdom.
95. Are you in love with anyone?
Hmm.. I think "in love" is a pool that two are swimming in and when love is only swirling in one direction, one makes a whirlpool that sucks you down to drown.... so, umm, no, not currently "IN" love. But I love plenty.
96. How many people have a crush on you right now?
One or two perhaps.
97. Who do you miss most right now?
The same woman I've missed every day since March 9th, 1993.
98. What are you wearing?
My birthday suit.
99. What are you listening to right now?
"By Your Side" by Miro on a cd that DJ Ali Tavassoli made me and I titled "Smooth Trancesitions 1.0"
100. What was the last thing you ate?
Jack In The Box at 3:30am. Sourdough Chicken Sandwhich, fries, diet coke and Breakfast Jack.
101. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Black
102. How is the weather right now?
Warm & Sunny... a typical SoCal Summer Day....which is bad if I were a crayon, because I'd be all melted now.
103. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
Edwyn
104. What do you wear to bed?
Usually some sort of underwear, maybe a tank top (and socks if it's cold)
If I have it, how could it be bad? =) I'm sure others would find plenty to weed out.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
Ice Cream
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Hmm, there are a few, but I think it's the music behind the scene that enhances the moment for me... THE COLOR PURPLE (When Shug sings all the way to the church and tells her pastor father, "See daddy, sinners have soul too." & when Celie meets her sister/children at the end), LOVE ACTUALLY (When Joni Mitchell's orchestral version of "Clouds" is playing), SOUTHPARK (everytime Kenny dies... ok, just making sure you're reading this)
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
I'll forego saying I wouldn't and just pick something anything to do with smoothing out wrinkles that does not include botox.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
No, I'm pretty sure all mine are rational.
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I will play with the ends of my long sleeve shirt.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
Fire! Fire! Fire! Probably.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Never
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Is Wes considered famous? Maybe in our lil gay world. But if I did know someone, I don't think I'd name drop.
10. Describe your bed:
It's a futon mattress on a wooden frame. NOT, a couch bed. Simple.
11. Spontaneous or planned?
Both. Professionally more planned, everyday life more spontaneous.
12. Who should play you in a movie about your life?
Me...hey if Marshall Mathers can do it so can I.
13. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, but I don't have much of a poker face.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My plastic cards (I.D., Bank & credit)
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Innocence & imagination
16. Are you happy with your given name?
Yes & No. The 'given' name on my birth certificate is MYCROFT. (Sherlock Holmes' older brother) I had my first & middle names legally changed, so JEREMY suits me fine.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
$1.25 million
18. What color is your bedroom?
One wall a deep, dark green and the rest white.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
"Just Let Go" by Fischer Spooner
20. Have you ever been in a play?
Yes
21. Have you ever been in love?
A few times now
22. Do you talk a lot?
Nope
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Probably not as much as other do
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Sometimes. I ran away from home when I was 17 and made a life for myself. There are resources for them to use if they try. Of course, I exclude any mentally ill people who wander the streets.
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Absolutely, unless provoked.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
N/A at the moment...haha. When there is a b/f in the picture, time usually swings in their favor depending on how serious it is.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
America....someday.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Cello
29. Favorite fabric?
Silk or Rayon
30. Something you love and hate?
At the same time... PEOPLE. Separately: L-Beach H-Greed/power
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
hahahaha.. wtf? Sheets & many blankets, though I usually only use one.
32. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
If asked and it does not reveal too much personal information about those involved.
33. What's the one language you want to learn?
ASL (American Sign Language)
34. How do you eat an apple?
With my teeth.
35. What do you order at a bar?
What don't I order is a better question.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yes: ears, eyebrow and tongue. Nothing is pierced anymore.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Yes. One on my back between the shoulder blades. Chinese characters for "Peaceful" and "Tiger"
38. Do you drive a stick?
When I do drive, yes, it's usually a stick.
39. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Dominance or the pursuit of power over others
40. What kind of watch(es) do you have?
I don't.
41. Most frivolous purchase?
DVD's, CD's and Video Games
42. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
No
43. What do you cook the best?
Anything if there's a recipe to follow. Boiling water if there isn't.
44. Favorite writing instrument?
A Fine or Extra Fine gel pen that glides and leaves no breaks when writing fast.
45. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
I think I blend in naturally, but there are rare moments when I stick out.
46. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
How much am I being paid?
47. What's the one car you will never buy?
Any SUV unless they get it driving at 30mpg or above.
48. What kind of books do you like to read?
I don't.
49. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Pay off any outstanding credit, invest, buy a home, pay off my mother & brother's homes, put my sister through college, put myself through college and travel.
50. Burial or cremation?
Cremation
51. How many online journals do you read regularly?
None regularly. I do when I do.
52. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Super Smash Bros., but only when playing with my ex.
53. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
Hmm...I ignore them.
54. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Rarely
55. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
That I'm an ass or that I'm very laid back. Extremes.
56. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Drive
57. Are you a giver or a taker?
I give more, in many ways... lol
58. When's the last time you cried?
Hahahaha, about 55 questions ago when I popped THE COLOR PURPLE in the DVD player to get the exact quote to put for an answer.
59. Favorite communication method?
Telepathy
60. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Way too many.
61. Do you think you're cute?
Depends what day it is. Generally, yes.
62. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Problems? I think I'm physically able to do it, but don't.
63. First Name:
Jeremy
64. Were you named after anyone?
See above question about "given name."
65. Do you wish on stars?
Only falling or shooting ones.
66. Which finger is your favorite?
If you have a favorite finger, I would like to take this opportunity to laugh at you.
67. Who are you more like - your mother or your father?
Don't know my father so by default...
68. Do you like your handwriting?
I don't mind it. It's so messy that not many others can read it.
69. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Well, with choices like Pig, Cow, Turkey & Chicken... probably chicken.
70. Any bad habits?
I like to drive fast.
71. What's in your CD player right now?
A copy of a CD I made for an ex
72. Do you believe in soul mates?
Yes, but I believe that there is more than just one per person.
73. Are you a daredevil?
Yea
74. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to?
To save someone's life, yes.
75. Do looks matter?
In what? In attraction, yes. And though I don't personally feel it matters, workplace people think it matters too, but I'm all about whether a person does their job or not.
76. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?
Hahaha, of course.
77. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Not anymore, those damn leprechauns.
78. Are you trendy?
No way.
79. How do you release anger?
By running or playing the piano and sometimes writing
80. Where are your second homes?
In my dreams
81. Do you trust others easily?
No. It's earned usually.
82. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I don't remember having one.
83. What class in school did you think was totally useless?
Calculus, because I wasn't becoming an engineer.
84. Do you have a journal?
Yes...you're reading it.
85. Have you been in a mosh pit?
Yes
86. What do you look for in a boy/girl?
Eyes, wit, honesty, individuality, attitude (not the bad kind) and a nice ass never hurt either.
87. What are your nicknames?
Jer?
88. Would you ever bungee jump?
Already have.
89. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Generally, no.
90. Do you think that you are strong?
Yes
91. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
No way, not just one. Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch, Nutty Waffel Cone, most any Rocky Road, Mint Chip, Vanilla Bean...on and on and on...
92. What's your favorite color?
green
93. What is your least favorite food?
Bell Peppers or jalepenos
94. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
None. I had them removed to make room for just the wisdom.
95. Are you in love with anyone?
Hmm.. I think "in love" is a pool that two are swimming in and when love is only swirling in one direction, one makes a whirlpool that sucks you down to drown.... so, umm, no, not currently "IN" love. But I love plenty.
96. How many people have a crush on you right now?
One or two perhaps.
97. Who do you miss most right now?
The same woman I've missed every day since March 9th, 1993.
98. What are you wearing?
My birthday suit.
99. What are you listening to right now?
"By Your Side" by Miro on a cd that DJ Ali Tavassoli made me and I titled "Smooth Trancesitions 1.0"
100. What was the last thing you ate?
Jack In The Box at 3:30am. Sourdough Chicken Sandwhich, fries, diet coke and Breakfast Jack.
101. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Black
102. How is the weather right now?
Warm & Sunny... a typical SoCal Summer Day....which is bad if I were a crayon, because I'd be all melted now.
103. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
Edwyn
104. What do you wear to bed?
Usually some sort of underwear, maybe a tank top (and socks if it's cold)
Friday, May 20, 2005
What? Where? Why? When?
Sports Kids Moms & Dads? Reality TV must be relieved. It's not reality. It's moments on camera edited to sell comedy & drama so that some people can get famous and corporations can sell products. No? I think so.
I'm thinking about how I act when I'm around other people. Small groups vs. large groups vs. one-on-one vs. massive amounts of people. Most of the time I don't want to be around people, or only want to be around people who know me very well. Sometimes I feel myself drowning in a sea of people unless I'm focused talking to a friend or a small group. It's like the minds of all these people are suddenly open to me. I read their body language. I watch their facial expressions. I immediately get sensations based upon these observations. This is completely controllable with a small group or one person, but not in larger.
Gay Pride Weekends start....
I'm thinking about how I act when I'm around other people. Small groups vs. large groups vs. one-on-one vs. massive amounts of people. Most of the time I don't want to be around people, or only want to be around people who know me very well. Sometimes I feel myself drowning in a sea of people unless I'm focused talking to a friend or a small group. It's like the minds of all these people are suddenly open to me. I read their body language. I watch their facial expressions. I immediately get sensations based upon these observations. This is completely controllable with a small group or one person, but not in larger.
Gay Pride Weekends start....
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Moonlight Sonata
When we were in the ocean today we saw the half-moon. The sun had worked diligently to burn off the haze. By two o'clock it was blue skies, cold water and the neverending fuel of friendship that Steven, Martin, Eddy and myself were sharing.
It's ironic that I'm the person who did not want to celebrate Eddy's birthday by driving up to San Francisco and spending the weekend there. Randy & Rey were game to go, but Randy wouldn't drive and I don't think Rey could've flown. (Perhaps) So on the Sunday of Eddy's birthday, I'm the only one of us three that even spent time with him. I made the prediction while at the beach that Randy probably drank too much last night while visiting Justin & Jeffrey in West Hollywood. Rey was supposed to get a ride from Randy, I think. While I did my best to be my off-the-wall self and make smiles on the beach folk's faces, I could sense the hurt inside of Eddy and this was one of the first times I had really thought about how I can pinpoint the emotions going on with another person. It's been a long time. With all the goings on in the last six months, I've really not used this part of me. I believe I'll dream tonight on a path that infuses this sensation I have had all day.
The aloe has pretty much absorbed into my skin. When I make body movements it doesn't feel so much like I'm stretching this covering. I'm hoping not to peel. While treading water, the undertow of the ocean pretty much placed you where it wanted to. I had that distinct memory of fear & courage mixing. Staring at the incoming wave, the fear strikes immediately, but then the body swims toward it to narrow the distance and successfully glides under the wave before it can crash on me. This is a maneuver repeated for the entire set and then you're treading there again until the next round. Why do I do it? It just feels good. It's an adventure and exercise. It's knowing how small you are in a vast and overpowering sea that could swallow you up, but also knowing that it was probably our home at one time. I feel very sensitive right now. I can hear a bird chirping out my window and I think that it's too early for that to be starting. It's pitch black out, there's not hint of a sun beginning to rise at 1:49am. I think absurdities like, "Someone should teach it when to make its annoying sound and when not to."
Backside.
It's ironic that I'm the person who did not want to celebrate Eddy's birthday by driving up to San Francisco and spending the weekend there. Randy & Rey were game to go, but Randy wouldn't drive and I don't think Rey could've flown. (Perhaps) So on the Sunday of Eddy's birthday, I'm the only one of us three that even spent time with him. I made the prediction while at the beach that Randy probably drank too much last night while visiting Justin & Jeffrey in West Hollywood. Rey was supposed to get a ride from Randy, I think. While I did my best to be my off-the-wall self and make smiles on the beach folk's faces, I could sense the hurt inside of Eddy and this was one of the first times I had really thought about how I can pinpoint the emotions going on with another person. It's been a long time. With all the goings on in the last six months, I've really not used this part of me. I believe I'll dream tonight on a path that infuses this sensation I have had all day.
The aloe has pretty much absorbed into my skin. When I make body movements it doesn't feel so much like I'm stretching this covering. I'm hoping not to peel. While treading water, the undertow of the ocean pretty much placed you where it wanted to. I had that distinct memory of fear & courage mixing. Staring at the incoming wave, the fear strikes immediately, but then the body swims toward it to narrow the distance and successfully glides under the wave before it can crash on me. This is a maneuver repeated for the entire set and then you're treading there again until the next round. Why do I do it? It just feels good. It's an adventure and exercise. It's knowing how small you are in a vast and overpowering sea that could swallow you up, but also knowing that it was probably our home at one time. I feel very sensitive right now. I can hear a bird chirping out my window and I think that it's too early for that to be starting. It's pitch black out, there's not hint of a sun beginning to rise at 1:49am. I think absurdities like, "Someone should teach it when to make its annoying sound and when not to."
Backside.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
These boys touch like it's
These boys touch like it's the first time they've had the opportunity. I remember that sensation
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Laundry Softies Clinging
Mind Washing:
Here I am. A glass of water on my shelf, tumbling sounds from the dryer and I need to take a shower soon. Mind is a hodge podge tonight. I think of writing short stories and eating ice cream. Thoughts of running in the Summer nights and treading water at the beach. I spoke to Gil on the phone for the first time this evening. I bought a pin-striped tuxedo for The Center's dinner last night and it needs to be dry cleaned now. That glass of water is still there. I wasn't thirsty, but the more I eye it, the dryer my mouth gets. (I - EYE - AYE)..homonyms, HOMOnyms. What "stuff" can I get rid of in my room? Take up less space. Minimize. I have to register for classes tomorrow. More money to spend. I called Mother's Day a day to celebrate passing through the bloody hole. It's my own grotesque humor. Day planner boxes start in 1996 and carry through to the present. They're lined on the shelf in the closet. They are markers of thoughts like these from the past; they're maps to the daily routines I once had. I've fought off my urges to randomly hook up with someone. I know it's not what works or what is truly wanted. Nathan. His dad. Randy stuck in an elevator for three hours. Medication. Dusty window blinds. Pictures, pictures.... pictures. Like lint to the screen, emotion is drawing me toward wants and needs. My 31" TV bought in 1992 has started to go out. I guess that's one thing I could take out of the room. Minimize. I'm going to light some candles now. Shower.
Here I am. A glass of water on my shelf, tumbling sounds from the dryer and I need to take a shower soon. Mind is a hodge podge tonight. I think of writing short stories and eating ice cream. Thoughts of running in the Summer nights and treading water at the beach. I spoke to Gil on the phone for the first time this evening. I bought a pin-striped tuxedo for The Center's dinner last night and it needs to be dry cleaned now. That glass of water is still there. I wasn't thirsty, but the more I eye it, the dryer my mouth gets. (I - EYE - AYE)..homonyms, HOMOnyms. What "stuff" can I get rid of in my room? Take up less space. Minimize. I have to register for classes tomorrow. More money to spend. I called Mother's Day a day to celebrate passing through the bloody hole. It's my own grotesque humor. Day planner boxes start in 1996 and carry through to the present. They're lined on the shelf in the closet. They are markers of thoughts like these from the past; they're maps to the daily routines I once had. I've fought off my urges to randomly hook up with someone. I know it's not what works or what is truly wanted. Nathan. His dad. Randy stuck in an elevator for three hours. Medication. Dusty window blinds. Pictures, pictures.... pictures. Like lint to the screen, emotion is drawing me toward wants and needs. My 31" TV bought in 1992 has started to go out. I guess that's one thing I could take out of the room. Minimize. I'm going to light some candles now. Shower.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Potatoes Afterwards
I just smelled something that I haven't smelled in several years. It's the smell of alcohol emanating from someone's skin the morning after their night of indulgence. It's a smell I would sometimes come home to after work and know that the ex had been drinking. It's not the same as just smelling alcohol on someone's breath. It's not like smelling the alcohol directly as it spills or is gliding into the air from a glass. It is its own unique blend of body & beast.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Old Neurons
Yawn. I'm from the school where we were taught to put two spaces after a period when typing. I guess it isn't so anymore. Space saving now.
Listening to "Flashdance" by Deep Dish. It's the Guetta & Garraud Fuck Me I'm Famous Remix. (Really the only mix of the song worth listening to...hmm....maybe the Skylark Remix)
I feel like I'm up because of attachments. Just old patterns firing off in the head. So what have I done with all of this experience that I've amassed?
Listening to "Flashdance" by Deep Dish. It's the Guetta & Garraud Fuck Me I'm Famous Remix. (Really the only mix of the song worth listening to...hmm....maybe the Skylark Remix)
I feel like I'm up because of attachments. Just old patterns firing off in the head. So what have I done with all of this experience that I've amassed?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Cotton
I know how to pick them. =) Guys, I love ya.
I've learned how to walk away a short distance. I've never been one to walk away completely. There has been seldom need to do so. I hope that Joshua can find what it is that is center and key, or at least be contented with the journey as I have within the last six months.
Got to talk to Lanny on the phone last night. Funny, I just thought how this online version of my journal began after we parted ways almost six years now. I love listening to him ramble sometimes because every so often he says something that is truly poetic. Those moments are when I remember him reading his journal to me and think about laying on the playground jungle gym and looking up to the stars.
I had a good weekend to myself. Peaceful. Art is away on business. Saturday I spent most of the day reading (and finishing) The Da Vinci Code. Mark said he didn't like the ending. I was okay with it. I'm not okay with the idea of Tom Hanks playing Robert Langdon in the movie version. (So I hear) Sunday, I didn't do a damn thing, haha. I ate leftover pizza. I watched tv and I talked online. It was what Sundays are all about. (When you can't be at the beach)
The sun on my skin Saturday was warm, but not scorching. It was just after 2:30pm when I started laying out with the book. Only one hour. Not enough to get rid of the tank top tan, but enough to activate that longing to be out on the sand. Feel it hot on my soles. Breathe in the moisture of each wave coming down. Tangle my senses in the tingles that appear when you're around good people and places.
Cotton....because guys are soft, absorbant. They warm. They are a long and arduous process to pick by hand and process into the everything they can be.
I've learned how to walk away a short distance. I've never been one to walk away completely. There has been seldom need to do so. I hope that Joshua can find what it is that is center and key, or at least be contented with the journey as I have within the last six months.
Got to talk to Lanny on the phone last night. Funny, I just thought how this online version of my journal began after we parted ways almost six years now. I love listening to him ramble sometimes because every so often he says something that is truly poetic. Those moments are when I remember him reading his journal to me and think about laying on the playground jungle gym and looking up to the stars.
I had a good weekend to myself. Peaceful. Art is away on business. Saturday I spent most of the day reading (and finishing) The Da Vinci Code. Mark said he didn't like the ending. I was okay with it. I'm not okay with the idea of Tom Hanks playing Robert Langdon in the movie version. (So I hear) Sunday, I didn't do a damn thing, haha. I ate leftover pizza. I watched tv and I talked online. It was what Sundays are all about. (When you can't be at the beach)
The sun on my skin Saturday was warm, but not scorching. It was just after 2:30pm when I started laying out with the book. Only one hour. Not enough to get rid of the tank top tan, but enough to activate that longing to be out on the sand. Feel it hot on my soles. Breathe in the moisture of each wave coming down. Tangle my senses in the tingles that appear when you're around good people and places.
Cotton....because guys are soft, absorbant. They warm. They are a long and arduous process to pick by hand and process into the everything they can be.
