Ty-ing Knots

I didn't go out tonight because I thought a good night's rest would be prudent. I thought that I should start getting some of this required volunteering out of the way and wake up early. Here I am past 12, can't sleep. It's been a strange week.

I find myself so sad. I start to think about constructive ways of moving out of this... Not just following the steps that I'm obligated to do, but beyond... like what I'll do for work. What types of jobs will I enjoy or wish to do? I find this contructive thinking and planning then brings about a conflict in me. This very organized and structured side of my thinking can logically put together a resume, write a cover letter and prepare for an interview to sell myself to "do" something in the office and corporate environment.... I've proven I'm good at it and I know I can do it--there's no challenge to it. But what if there was a challenge?? I still wouldn't want to do it. There's something that my soul is not getting.

Love is never everything. It is that one thing that romantics cling to as the saviour to all things, but it really is just one plank to walk in taming relationships. Why do I choose my words carefully sometimes? Because I don't want anyone to be hurt by not understanding what I mean. Especially right now... (sigh) My body temperature is rising. I can feel sweat all over.

Some kid is getting 30yrs for killing his grandparents. Christopher Pittman. The defense was that the SSRI drugs changed his chemistry and without them he wouldn't have done this. I think that we are playing god without the manual. Sure all of these anti-depressant drugs seem to make a change in the majority of people's lives, but the manufacturers don't even known how or why. It's guessed. Educated, but still, a guess. So it's reasonable to me to assume that there are going to be a percentage of the population for whom these drugs are not going to have the "common" effect. This lead me back to my own conflicts.... and I sense this pull from East and West. And i want answers... and I'm looking for them.... and I hope that my subconscious has a better time soothing me than I can do for myself while conscious.

Randy has been very quiety lately. I know he's been tired, but it's strange to be around him when he's not speaking. It's almost like being around a stranger. Or maybe there's something on his mind that he has not shared with me. I don't know for sure. I just know that it's different.

Let's try that sleep again.