My car is one month old today. Over 3100 miles put on and $175 in gas. Do you think I drive a little?
Nathan & Arin came into town from Phoenix on Monday and I got to spend some brief time with them last night over at Nathan's. Very brief. It was good to see them though; matching blonde streaks and all.
While visiting, I had a very needed and good talk with the 20 year old. I like honesty. It clears the air of so much. In the strides to just say what is on my mind at all times, it is always another's perspective of what's "proper" or "appropriate" that keeps mouths shut. Damaging, I say. Let the rivers run free....and if you don't like what's being said, then perhaps you needed to hear it.
Holly is playfully knocking around her play toys. I stop typing momentarily to play with her. Aww... pets. I'm happy to entertain other people's for brief periods of time, but want nothing of one for my own. How then is the child-rearing instinct different?
This weekend promises to be busy. I'm excited at the events forthcoming. Truly looking forward to an active weekend.
Music....as I drove here tonight. Each sound flashed a moment to me. I was driving with the night air flushing through my car and speeding down the lighted path. I've got to breathe, because I am in so much more control now than I've ever been before. Scary.
Setting up the DanceSafe table in front of Club ICON last Saturday proved to be a great thing to do. The promoters asked us to come inside of the club and set-up. =) I've always known that working with people in some helpful manner, face-to-face, like I do when at a DanceSafe table is what I was cut out for. Making a difference, however small, is exactly what is rewarding and needed in this world. Even if the differences are only of this world, and insignificant in the whole scheme of whatever comes next, they're at least a way to pass the time.
Until whatever comes next, comes.
j.r.me
Wednesday, September 27, 2000
Wednesday, September 20, 2000
Blind Faith
In speaking to a friend this afternoon it was good to confirm that other people are just as fucked up as I sometimes think I am. hahaha... okay.... that was harsh, not only to myself but to my friend. What I simply mean is that nothing is as it seems and that the strongest sheet of armor doesn't protect from the stealthy inner lining of our souls.
***
***
Honey, I dearly love you. I wish you would come home to me, to these arms & this life, but I know you can only do what is right for you. These hands just get older, and the pictures gather dust.
***
***
Imagine a picture in your head of a thousand stars in the sky. Imagine those stars becoming brighter and brighter; intensity not burning, not forcing your to squint. Then everything is light, all points in the sky joined--togetherness. You are everywhere in the instant of a thought. Every thought of every star is absorbed and understood. Being Born. Dying. The search for the same in between.
j.r.me
***
***
Honey, I dearly love you. I wish you would come home to me, to these arms & this life, but I know you can only do what is right for you. These hands just get older, and the pictures gather dust.
***
***
Imagine a picture in your head of a thousand stars in the sky. Imagine those stars becoming brighter and brighter; intensity not burning, not forcing your to squint. Then everything is light, all points in the sky joined--togetherness. You are everywhere in the instant of a thought. Every thought of every star is absorbed and understood. Being Born. Dying. The search for the same in between.
j.r.me
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
cramming
Is there one of those yellow & black covered paperback books in Borders or Barnes & Noble that is titled, "Dating for Dummies." ?? If not, perhaps I should start compiling the events of each experience I've had and write one. Although I'm not sure how interesting the reading would be to anyone.
Who's keeping score? Someone actually read my journal and made mention that they had better be nice or they would end up being "dissed" here. I think that's part of the reason I've chosen not to use names....that just fuels drama and these entries are meant to be somewhat of a release for me. Letting off the steam rather than boiling it inside. So....by default one has condemned himself...no more words need be said. The closet has moved to accept a job out of town. Having played my long distance role for plenty of time I know I won't be stepping back into that part. It's a shame because he seemed genuinely well-adjusted. **sigh** I suppose weekend trips will still be nice to get to know the real person that was "vibed" over a weekend. Of course the strongest attraction would be to the one with no car and just on the outskirts of almost totally geographically undesirable. My reality button is flashing; knowing that what I don't know is everything that is important. Common interests--outside of sex, common goals, blah blah blah blah blah.... that stuff that really does matter.
Sitting alone in the work cubicle... reflecting on the week.
A night full last Thursday going to walk around WeHo with Nathan. He's tired...I can tell that dancing won't be in his cards. I'm not sure I want to go to RAGE anyway. In driving by The Hollywood Spa, we notice people all walking to some common venue. I drive by to find "The Opium Den." It looks interesting enough to try out and I do. I would say it's Hollywood's equivalent to a hang out joint like Laguna's Boom Boom Room. 2am rolls around and I'm not tired but the bar has decidedly closed.
Nathan in the car....I decide that it's time for me to stop being such a prude with myself and experience what this Hollywood Spa is all about. Haha... when the slogan of "Doing Everything @ 25" was enacted for me, I don't think I quite envisioned ALL of the things I would try at this age. I'm learning to be less afraid, especially of what others will think. That is probably the hardest fear to overcome because it is acceptance that we are taught at such an early age that is one of the most important things to have. Without too many details....the four hours at the Spa were fun. I would go again, thought not sure under the same circumstances.
Spank me. Hmm.... no... no more.
http://www.trancecontrol.com check it out
My Friday/Saturday was splendid, albeit hot hot hot with no air conditioner at the house. I bought a toothbrush, but now that it's sitting in my room, I think I may have left him with the wrong impression. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't think so much.
Saturday Night Nathan and I went to San Diego to enjoy the 4th Anniversary of Montage. A very good time. I ran into Randy (my ex) and we talked a bit. The music being spun was right on all night and kept us dancing until 4am. The drive home---err...uh... umm,, back to Costa Mesa at Randy & Frederic's was short. The drive never really bothers me anyway.
Sunday was beach (West Beach) with mother. While there Gary called to see if I wanted to attend an HRC event in Laguna with him... sure... why not. Maybe I'll meet someone, right?
blah blah blah..... I'm tired of writing.. where's that machine that attaches to your head and reads brain waves and then translates them into my thoughts....
I think it's called acid.
I think I need to leave to goto a DanceSafe board meeting.
Who's keeping score? Someone actually read my journal and made mention that they had better be nice or they would end up being "dissed" here. I think that's part of the reason I've chosen not to use names....that just fuels drama and these entries are meant to be somewhat of a release for me. Letting off the steam rather than boiling it inside. So....by default one has condemned himself...no more words need be said. The closet has moved to accept a job out of town. Having played my long distance role for plenty of time I know I won't be stepping back into that part. It's a shame because he seemed genuinely well-adjusted. **sigh** I suppose weekend trips will still be nice to get to know the real person that was "vibed" over a weekend. Of course the strongest attraction would be to the one with no car and just on the outskirts of almost totally geographically undesirable. My reality button is flashing; knowing that what I don't know is everything that is important. Common interests--outside of sex, common goals, blah blah blah blah blah.... that stuff that really does matter.
Sitting alone in the work cubicle... reflecting on the week.
A night full last Thursday going to walk around WeHo with Nathan. He's tired...I can tell that dancing won't be in his cards. I'm not sure I want to go to RAGE anyway. In driving by The Hollywood Spa, we notice people all walking to some common venue. I drive by to find "The Opium Den." It looks interesting enough to try out and I do. I would say it's Hollywood's equivalent to a hang out joint like Laguna's Boom Boom Room. 2am rolls around and I'm not tired but the bar has decidedly closed.
Nathan in the car....I decide that it's time for me to stop being such a prude with myself and experience what this Hollywood Spa is all about. Haha... when the slogan of "Doing Everything @ 25" was enacted for me, I don't think I quite envisioned ALL of the things I would try at this age. I'm learning to be less afraid, especially of what others will think. That is probably the hardest fear to overcome because it is acceptance that we are taught at such an early age that is one of the most important things to have. Without too many details....the four hours at the Spa were fun. I would go again, thought not sure under the same circumstances.
Spank me. Hmm.... no... no more.
http://www.trancecontrol.com check it out
My Friday/Saturday was splendid, albeit hot hot hot with no air conditioner at the house. I bought a toothbrush, but now that it's sitting in my room, I think I may have left him with the wrong impression. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't think so much.
Saturday Night Nathan and I went to San Diego to enjoy the 4th Anniversary of Montage. A very good time. I ran into Randy (my ex) and we talked a bit. The music being spun was right on all night and kept us dancing until 4am. The drive home---err...uh... umm,, back to Costa Mesa at Randy & Frederic's was short. The drive never really bothers me anyway.
Sunday was beach (West Beach) with mother. While there Gary called to see if I wanted to attend an HRC event in Laguna with him... sure... why not. Maybe I'll meet someone, right?
blah blah blah..... I'm tired of writing.. where's that machine that attaches to your head and reads brain waves and then translates them into my thoughts....
I think it's called acid.
I think I need to leave to goto a DanceSafe board meeting.
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
La Tea Da
AOL window open on one half of the screen.... this online journal in another. The phone rings....((Steve laughing))
A week of passing. A week of silence. **sigh** I'm an hour away from leaving work today and nothing to do. A slow transition from one desk, one department to this new one. I think I'll like it though.
Life back at home is a long way from where I want to be near friends in Orange County. I wish that I could fast forward to my birthday when most will be changed and settled with money. Tick tick tick... and watching the clock never helped to speed it up.
"When it rains it pours." That a saying that we grow up with and it can be used in simple weather terms. I've always seen dating--or getting to know--more than one boy at a time too complicated. I find myself feeling like too much of me is apportioned in one area and not enough in another. Believing what I do about intimate relationships, I know that at some point I must choose to be with one person. **sigh** So I guess that kind of takes the fun out of dating for me. Maybe this is another point to re-evaluate. **thinking**
Boys boys... met a really nice, seemingly smart, 20 year old at RAGE two weeks ago. According to Bobby I put on a porn show with him the last two Thursdays while dancing. I didn't think it was that bad...but upon reflection, I'm sure I would've told anyone else doing what I was engaging in to "Go and Get a Room!" +++wowsers+++
Enter in someone new...I like the intellectual capacity found as well as the physical match up. He's easy to talk to at length. However, there is a closet in this scenario and we all know how I feel about those. They're for clothing---clean or dirty, just stuff them in there. Again, I'm re-evaluating this, and looking at my reasoning. Perhaps I've missed out on some potentially wonderful people because of this. Dunno...
I went to Disneyland on Sunday with Nathan, Randy & Frederic. What a huge blast that was. The thought I wrote down at one point during the day was: "SPACE MOUNTAIN- A fast & Wacky ride. Round & Round...up & down. Spinning. And then sudden to stop. Flashes of light. All over. Like life... so enjoy every moment of it."
The day walking around the park was beautiful. I remember being there as a child. How much it has changed. Frederic & I remarked on how it would be in the next 50 years.
The boy returns from Vegas...but no call. I already knew that much, but it's never a feeling of pleasure to be confirmed in something that is negative.
Lorena will be out visiting soon. I'll get to see Delaney. Beautiful. I'm giddy about that. Tracy's b-day is approaching. The olympics. Classical music. on and on and on... but only so many thoughts can make it out today.
so bye
j.r.me
A week of passing. A week of silence. **sigh** I'm an hour away from leaving work today and nothing to do. A slow transition from one desk, one department to this new one. I think I'll like it though.
Life back at home is a long way from where I want to be near friends in Orange County. I wish that I could fast forward to my birthday when most will be changed and settled with money. Tick tick tick... and watching the clock never helped to speed it up.
"When it rains it pours." That a saying that we grow up with and it can be used in simple weather terms. I've always seen dating--or getting to know--more than one boy at a time too complicated. I find myself feeling like too much of me is apportioned in one area and not enough in another. Believing what I do about intimate relationships, I know that at some point I must choose to be with one person. **sigh** So I guess that kind of takes the fun out of dating for me. Maybe this is another point to re-evaluate. **thinking**
Boys boys... met a really nice, seemingly smart, 20 year old at RAGE two weeks ago. According to Bobby I put on a porn show with him the last two Thursdays while dancing. I didn't think it was that bad...but upon reflection, I'm sure I would've told anyone else doing what I was engaging in to "Go and Get a Room!" +++wowsers+++
Enter in someone new...I like the intellectual capacity found as well as the physical match up. He's easy to talk to at length. However, there is a closet in this scenario and we all know how I feel about those. They're for clothing---clean or dirty, just stuff them in there. Again, I'm re-evaluating this, and looking at my reasoning. Perhaps I've missed out on some potentially wonderful people because of this. Dunno...
I went to Disneyland on Sunday with Nathan, Randy & Frederic. What a huge blast that was. The thought I wrote down at one point during the day was: "SPACE MOUNTAIN- A fast & Wacky ride. Round & Round...up & down. Spinning. And then sudden to stop. Flashes of light. All over. Like life... so enjoy every moment of it."
The day walking around the park was beautiful. I remember being there as a child. How much it has changed. Frederic & I remarked on how it would be in the next 50 years.
The boy returns from Vegas...but no call. I already knew that much, but it's never a feeling of pleasure to be confirmed in something that is negative.
Lorena will be out visiting soon. I'll get to see Delaney. Beautiful. I'm giddy about that. Tracy's b-day is approaching. The olympics. Classical music. on and on and on... but only so many thoughts can make it out today.
so bye
j.r.me
Saturday, September 02, 2000
Evaluation
If you have something to say. Say it. Don't him and haw. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't try and save something that cannot be salvaged.
Do try and be considerate, intelligent and honest. Do take into consideration the fact that beliefs are better discussed, not pushed.... and never imply, in the slightest of terms in attitude or words, that someone is somehow less than you for having a different set of beliefs.
This weekend is culminating the collection of my thoughts that really began taking shape shortly after the New Year. There are people in my life that are positive, growing forces and those that are not such. Not being part of that force does not instantly make for a negative force, perhaps it is neutral. I've been looking at the people in my life very closely. The truth is that I've always had quality friends. I've sought that out in creating my own "family."
But people change. People grow. People remain content. "People are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully?" (DMODE) The snickering behind my back regarding drug usage has finally reached the end of the line for me. Assumptions in the absence of facts.... a strange thing for me to comment on. I use my gut instincts to read people and their motives. I trust this instinct implicitly. However, I cannot use these instincts until I have evidence to support them. Something factual has to be produced in order for them to have any validity.
There seems to be a general belief among those who are without facts in my life that I am on a downward spiral; that I am unhappy with life to such an extent that I've decided to throw my life away. I wonder how much happier these people are than I am. I see us all in very similar boats. One difference I can readily see is that I do not place value on making money or in seeing success as being related to how much money one has.
We each have our own path in life. We each walk in our own shoes.
I love you guys, but I will not stop growing in my own life, in my own way.
j.r.me
Do try and be considerate, intelligent and honest. Do take into consideration the fact that beliefs are better discussed, not pushed.... and never imply, in the slightest of terms in attitude or words, that someone is somehow less than you for having a different set of beliefs.
This weekend is culminating the collection of my thoughts that really began taking shape shortly after the New Year. There are people in my life that are positive, growing forces and those that are not such. Not being part of that force does not instantly make for a negative force, perhaps it is neutral. I've been looking at the people in my life very closely. The truth is that I've always had quality friends. I've sought that out in creating my own "family."
But people change. People grow. People remain content. "People are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully?" (DMODE) The snickering behind my back regarding drug usage has finally reached the end of the line for me. Assumptions in the absence of facts.... a strange thing for me to comment on. I use my gut instincts to read people and their motives. I trust this instinct implicitly. However, I cannot use these instincts until I have evidence to support them. Something factual has to be produced in order for them to have any validity.
There seems to be a general belief among those who are without facts in my life that I am on a downward spiral; that I am unhappy with life to such an extent that I've decided to throw my life away. I wonder how much happier these people are than I am. I see us all in very similar boats. One difference I can readily see is that I do not place value on making money or in seeing success as being related to how much money one has.
We each have our own path in life. We each walk in our own shoes.
I love you guys, but I will not stop growing in my own life, in my own way.
j.r.me
Tonight & The Rest Of My Life
Here's a song I'm particularly fond of right now.... what do the words mean to you? They conjure something very specific to me.
j.r.me
=======
=======
TONIGHT & THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nina Gordon
Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things wont fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
that's why
I prefer the sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye
CHORUS:
I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel to night
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life
Gleaming in the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is shoreless sea
Weightlessness is passing over me
(Chorus)
Tonight and the rest of my life
Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms
I feel
So light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel
So light
Tonight and the rest of my life
(Chorus)
j.r.me
=======
=======
TONIGHT & THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nina Gordon
Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things wont fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
that's why
I prefer the sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye
CHORUS:
I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel to night
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life
Gleaming in the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is shoreless sea
Weightlessness is passing over me
(Chorus)
Tonight and the rest of my life
Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms
I feel
So light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel
So light
Tonight and the rest of my life
(Chorus)
Friday, September 01, 2000
yes & no
"Keen....just keen."
My reponse all day long to people who have been asking how I am.
I saw Troy (From Boston) online today. I hadn't talked to him in a while and IM'ed a bit. He has a journal on this diaryland site as well. Cool for him. He's been dating what seems to be an awesomely wonderful guy. Good for him... it may be that extra push he needs to put some footprints down on his own path.
I got my hair cut last night. The days following a really decent hair cut are usually very "attractive" feeling days. There's a crisp edge to the way I'll dress, shave, actually take some time to be presentable. Once the hair starts to get two weeks into the cut, I tend to spend less time getting ready. Randomness.
Hmm...I thought I wanted to write....but now I don't.
j.r.me
My reponse all day long to people who have been asking how I am.
I saw Troy (From Boston) online today. I hadn't talked to him in a while and IM'ed a bit. He has a journal on this diaryland site as well. Cool for him. He's been dating what seems to be an awesomely wonderful guy. Good for him... it may be that extra push he needs to put some footprints down on his own path.
I got my hair cut last night. The days following a really decent hair cut are usually very "attractive" feeling days. There's a crisp edge to the way I'll dress, shave, actually take some time to be presentable. Once the hair starts to get two weeks into the cut, I tend to spend less time getting ready. Randomness.
Hmm...I thought I wanted to write....but now I don't.
j.r.me
