I bought a CD for the first time in as long as I can remember. I was at Amoeba Records on Sunset where I've been purchasing used movies over the course of the past year--since he entered my life. There are so many things of "the city" that I've become used to because of an adaptable nature. Like them or not.... adapting sometimes has no bias.
The CD is eSTHeRO's "Wicked Lil Grrrls." I've previously enjoyed her song on the GO soundtrack as well as the single "OG Bitch." As the title track starts to play right now I realize that this played on a Smallville episode. I want to cry for a second, then I smile and swallow the sudden rush of saliva that filled my mouth as if the tears were sucked back and flushed down the nasal passage. It's a fun song nonetheless.
Still one hour until the Domino's pizza that I pre-ordered will even begin to be baked. I think a walk to the store is in order as my stomach can't wait.
October was a very bad month. November isn't looking much brighter yet.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Walking Hollywood
There is that look that you can see in a guy's eyes when they pass by that is not truly attraction, but curiosity at knowing both the look staring back at them and the feeling they have without thought or warning.
I enjoy surprise sometimes
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sleep Silent Angel, GoTo Sleep
Today is a harder day than most have been this week. I type that with eyes full of tears. I've taken to continuously repeating the song "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies. Not even venting in the Monkey Blog is really helping this morning. Soon, I hope to be so exhausted that my body's infantile programming will kick in and have me curled up into a ball.
Sometimes...
Peace comes upon me and it leaves me weak.
Sometimes...
Peace comes upon me and it leaves me weak.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Found A Candlelight Flower Blooming
It's really beautiful at my work right now. It's not often that I can say that and feel in on an almost spiritual level. (many different reasons and variables for not being able to if you don't know my work) Right now the low-level azure ambient lighting is almost indigo infused with the backdrop of night's blackness. (I've even lowered the brightness on the computer screens to zero to further the effect.)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
Beyond the sounds of crickets and the occasional footsteps of guests traversing from room to steam or spa to room (or room-to-room) I have Pandora streaming over the speakers. A Four Strings song called "Take Me Away (Into The Night)" can faintly be heard. It's too early to really play it louder, but that's okay because my ears are tuned to listen for any sounds that are out of the ordinary and the music would interfere with that ability that has been tuned over the past year working here.
I have so much paperwork to complete. Reports, computations, audits, training. I have so many ideas and the excitement in me is nice since it waned many years ago when I let a part of the dreamer in me become subdued. "Awakening" is a word right now that I picture being some dormant vocabulary word that has been waiting to be reactivated; nudged just the right way so to be stirred into action and not pushed off the side of a cliff. I knew when I took the time off last year that I would be floating until I could find solace somewhere.
At times I felt I was hiding away from the world in this job. Many people have not been able to understand why I would choose to remain somewhere where it has always been a struggle to get paid on time or without having the check bounce. By and large these are people who are content with where they are, or if not content, they believe that they are on the right path to attaining what it is they seek. I was at a point last year where I was not on that track and hadn't been for some time.
***I feel this could be a much longer entry than it is going to be. It's approaching 6am and I've been taking breaks from writing to tend to guest details, have a break and sit in my room a bit & walk the property to enjoy the essence of what started me writing in the first place. The ideas in my head would take me well into the next hour if I let them.... but I think this is a time when letting the responsible side of the brain assert itself for the greater good.***
Out of great pain has always been some art or insight I have gained of myself. Most of the time I have wished that such an incubation was not necessary for the payoff---indeed it is not ALWAYS, just EVERYtime. :-p The tears I have laid myself down to bed with everyday for the past month took me to the depths of my depression a couple weeks ago. If I did not have this job to channel my emotions into something I am sure that I would be dead somewhere.
Last thought for now. I know I am still so frail. Everytime I think of My Dove I well up with tears. My body flushes with chills several times a day because of how acute my empathy is. I think of Laney and Randy and the time it took to move past them.... but like grandma, there are pieces of me that have never moved on and never will. (I hope)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
So Far Away....
It's easy in sleep where dreams are.
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Where, not what, is the point?
"Just go ahead and fly again... no one's going to hold you back."
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Child's Voice
It's been a LONG weekend at work for me. I didn't intend it to be, but the culmination of a new position, an intense but ending relationship and being the off week for payday I ended up staying on property until this morning. I just woke up an hour ago to my phone...three hours after I was supposed to be awake.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Chasing Pavements
Whatever patterns we feel comfortable with, I will always see him for the beauty; feel the comfort of lazy days under slats of sunlight from the nearby window.
It's very hard to see images of intimacy shared so freely. Ads, work, dollars and cents. Of course it's sad. Yes my eyes get glossy, but I know in my heart what I shared was the first and probably only time that I will allow such an exchange. We may never see intimacy the same way, but it doesn't diminish the value I placed on each touch. (Each memory)
Cries do not extinguish passion.
Caring cannot ignore actions.
Kisses are not complete sentences.
Craving his love keeps gentle quakes coarsing through my body.
I hold on. I let go.
I wish upon the stars as the rain finds me looking up.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Alphabet Soup
"Like living on an island...I've lost all land in sight." - Sarah Brightman
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
