It's easy in sleep where dreams are.
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Where, not what, is the point?
"Just go ahead and fly again... no one's going to hold you back."
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Child's Voice
It's been a LONG weekend at work for me. I didn't intend it to be, but the culmination of a new position, an intense but ending relationship and being the off week for payday I ended up staying on property until this morning. I just woke up an hour ago to my phone...three hours after I was supposed to be awake.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Chasing Pavements
Whatever patterns we feel comfortable with, I will always see him for the beauty; feel the comfort of lazy days under slats of sunlight from the nearby window.
It's very hard to see images of intimacy shared so freely. Ads, work, dollars and cents. Of course it's sad. Yes my eyes get glossy, but I know in my heart what I shared was the first and probably only time that I will allow such an exchange. We may never see intimacy the same way, but it doesn't diminish the value I placed on each touch. (Each memory)
Cries do not extinguish passion.
Caring cannot ignore actions.
Kisses are not complete sentences.
Craving his love keeps gentle quakes coarsing through my body.
I hold on. I let go.
I wish upon the stars as the rain finds me looking up.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Alphabet Soup
"Like living on an island...I've lost all land in sight." - Sarah Brightman
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Today I Feel Summer
The night is warm as I pass the T-Mobile corner. One need only look up into the July sky to see the Full Moon is keeping city heat illuminated on this skewed grid of streets.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday 411
It's a Friday night and even the city seems to be deep in thought as I glide over the 101 to see that there is no traffic. The bus is relatively empty. It has been wet all day.
A few nights back I talked with a homeless man who sat down beside me on the bus. While I am generally uncomfortable with any stranger striking up conversation with me, that feeling was not as strong as it normally is. I had a Corona Light earlier in the night and a second bottle in my backpack. At the end of our conversation, I gave him the bottle and he slipped it into his pants pocket. I have no idea if I added to or alleviated anything in the long or short term, but I felt that feeling I get by givng someone directions who are lost.
(Even if I can't find my destination)
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Birthdays, Boyfriends and Biology
I feel the rush of everything filtered and slowed down by the drugs coarsing through me. This is the part of anti-depressant medication that has always bugged me: feeling something that would normally be intense and having it reduced to an item on a list to be read off. Manageable, yes. Human, no...not my idea of human. Aside from pharmaceuticals there is age. I allow myself to see things from more than just my point of view. I may not agree with the vantage points, but I cannot pretend that they do not exhist or do not matter--as much as the child in me may stomp his feet and wish it were so.
So where does this leave me? Can I be hurt? Am I allowed to be may be a more accurate question. And even if I am allowed, still, where does this leave me? The art of detachment has been more of a fascade than a true artform for me. What makes me the person I am; how I identify with others has always been tied to how deeply I feel the world around me. This openness is why I had to learn to close myself up or I would be rubbed raw by the mostly unintentional brushes by passersby. (And unfortunately, the allowances of those I purposefully opened up to out of love)
My birthday, while it may be spent with friends, it will not be spent with my boyfriend. Prior engagements will have him in Hawaii. I tell myself it's just a silly day that we pat ourselves on the back and his presence is not required, but the reason is an on-going and evolving battle that I'm tired of having. At 34 (or at least approaching it) I need to finally focus energy and seek solace from those who are taking the time out of their lives to be with me and not focus on the things I have no control over and that I cannot change.
I had a brief talk with my mom a week or two ago. We talked about why it is that we involve ourselves with the type of people that we do. Sarah and I have been comparing notes with our men. These patterns of ours are somehow comforting.
Do we have such a hard time loving ourselves?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
So where does this leave me? Can I be hurt? Am I allowed to be may be a more accurate question. And even if I am allowed, still, where does this leave me? The art of detachment has been more of a fascade than a true artform for me. What makes me the person I am; how I identify with others has always been tied to how deeply I feel the world around me. This openness is why I had to learn to close myself up or I would be rubbed raw by the mostly unintentional brushes by passersby. (And unfortunately, the allowances of those I purposefully opened up to out of love)
My birthday, while it may be spent with friends, it will not be spent with my boyfriend. Prior engagements will have him in Hawaii. I tell myself it's just a silly day that we pat ourselves on the back and his presence is not required, but the reason is an on-going and evolving battle that I'm tired of having. At 34 (or at least approaching it) I need to finally focus energy and seek solace from those who are taking the time out of their lives to be with me and not focus on the things I have no control over and that I cannot change.
I had a brief talk with my mom a week or two ago. We talked about why it is that we involve ourselves with the type of people that we do. Sarah and I have been comparing notes with our men. These patterns of ours are somehow comforting.
Do we have such a hard time loving ourselves?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Even When I'm Sleeping...
Sunday - November 16th - 7:16pm
I'm sitting at work and it's the first time since this last Thursday that I actually feel like I've been thrown off a cliff and am tumbling down the hillside so hard and fast so as to be sure that every sharp rock and stick pokes at me. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat this afternoon with some vitamins.
My co-worker, Mani, leaves this Wednesday for a two month trip across the world and this will be my last night to see him. It's strange the little comforts that I find myself looking for. His nickname here at work is "Princess." Tonight, he is the only sanity that I find in this place.
7:26pm
I remember I.O.U.'s and XY's that Charmed me and Whispered Ghostly things in my sleep. I remember how beautiful it felt to be completely open and share a part of me that no one has ever seen. I was so scared but freed at the same time. I remember falling asleep to cuddles and rubs and talks that unlocked doors about our lives. That was comforting.
I'm sitting at work and it's the first time since this last Thursday that I actually feel like I've been thrown off a cliff and am tumbling down the hillside so hard and fast so as to be sure that every sharp rock and stick pokes at me. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat this afternoon with some vitamins.
My co-worker, Mani, leaves this Wednesday for a two month trip across the world and this will be my last night to see him. It's strange the little comforts that I find myself looking for. His nickname here at work is "Princess." Tonight, he is the only sanity that I find in this place.
7:26pm
I remember I.O.U.'s and XY's that Charmed me and Whispered Ghostly things in my sleep. I remember how beautiful it felt to be completely open and share a part of me that no one has ever seen. I was so scared but freed at the same time. I remember falling asleep to cuddles and rubs and talks that unlocked doors about our lives. That was comforting.
