beg your pardon?

I came home tired...did my taxes to find out I owe a grand. LOL. I think I'm delirious. So I go to sleep hoping to awake in a different situation.

I wake up bothered; not entirely thinking that the sleep made me feel any better. I start to notice little things that aren't done around the new apartment but that shouldn't really be "waiting" to be done. I go to the store.

Ralphs in Irvine. Hah. I almost cried. First of all, anyone who knows me, knows that I go into the grocery store and am out in no time flat. I meandered tonight. Dunno why...just did. I stood in the soup isle for the longest time, picked up cans, placed them back on the shelf and then ultimately didn't buy any soup. It sure looked good though.

When I checked out, the bag boy (courtesy clerk) asked me how I was doing. I said, "Good, thanks. And yourself?" Though I often speak low or mumbled, this was not the reason for his reponse of, "Come again?" My VIBE METER went off...and I knew that his question was laid in the disbelief that someone was asking him how he was. I live here now...but I won't get used to that treatment...and everyone should have a smile for today.

So those little things....a light bulb connected to the light switch, a 4-prong light strip upgraded to a 6-pring, the garabe taken out, the toilet plunged, drano for the shower drain, dishes washed & in the dishwasher...oh...I forgot to eat. There are still clothes to hang and a bunch of other little shit.

Randy is having din din with his old roommate and her boyfriend. I passed in my current mood. Tomorrow a DanceSafe meeting, I'm ecstatic. =(

And I get to wake up tomorrow to do it all over again.

j.r.me

taste

I'm kinda buzzed still. Nathan, Randy & I went out to dinner at Chevy's to celebrate Nathan's promotion. The ying. The yang. Life balances out the energy in order to look at it straight on and make decisions. I'm often frustrated by the time it takes Nathan to see his life and make choices to then turn it to the better...but then, there is a similar lag time in different areas for myself. Perhaps the ying and yang of multiple lives.

We are all moved into our new apartment and I feel like i'm home. I feel at ease and I'm very secure in the surroundings. Sometimes I wish that I still didn't have to work to maintain everything that I have, but that's the child still screaming and kicking at the bedroom door as I would like to do. Instead i still use the ettiquette that has been taught to fulfill us. Ick.

Being somewhat still buzzed....skin sensations are not normal. Dull. Hard to believe that a whole month has gone by since the last entry and I've only proven to myself that discipline to write is not at all in the realm of my norm. Blah.

j.r.me

brief

I keep picking at the scab and yet I expect it to get better. I keep smiling, because I heard that it's contagious and if I can do it, maybe others can too. My eyelids are growing heavy, but I have committed to doing this "writing thing."

Randy is great. I'm at a loss for more words right now. I'm looking toward the future.

Verizon is wonderful a whole week into it. Gee, isn't everything? Check back in a few months; a year.

j.r.me

gunny boom boom

((I wrote this in an e-mail some time ago))

Hi Kevin & Bean...

I caught some of the calls this morning that you took regarding the Santana High School incident and the point one of you was making about how having more gun control. I actually agree that as a country we should have more strict gun control laws, HOWEVER, guns have been around since this country began. This "kids-shooting-kids" phenomenon is only becoming more prevelant in the past several years which leads me to conclude that the guns are not the REAL issue here.

If we were to round up every last gun on the street today, legal or illegal, we would still have the problem of children who feel neglected by their parents, bullied by classmates, attacked by the world (so to speak) and who would still be dealing with their internal, violent thoughts. If the guns are gone, these underlying causes for lashing out still exist and children will only find other more creative ways to express themselves and garner attention.

How about some type of mandatory parental involvement with each student on a monthly basis? Teachers sometimes know kids better than parents do, but no one individual knows everything. In America's pursuit to stay on top of the Capitalistic Global Economy, we're working more to support the families that we no longer know, in essence creating the terrible hollowness in these kids.

love ALL-ways,

j.r.me

Imposition

Although I've had this cable modem installed now for almost two weeks, I suppose that playing online video games and exchanging e-mail has been more important than keeping my life updated in print. Tisk tisk...where is that writer's discipline that I so need? Verizon Wireless sent me an offer package last Thursday. Pending my drug screening something this week, I start on March 6th. Yeah! I'm working at Border's Books and loving that. (Even if I had to be there for a 7am meeting today) There's something about the whole "retail" experience that I'm enjoying. I think it's the face-to-face interaction with people. My "vibe" and senses are being honed, I can feel that. I almost feel as if there is some purpose for all of this. Jeremy, could you be any more vague? LOL I told Randy (my randy) about the idea I had for my most recent creative endeavor. Now stop talking about it Jeremy and write. Dancing has been high on the agenda this past week. My body is sore. Rest is in the prescription for recovery. Bobby & Joey, Randy & myself went and had HIV tests done at the WeHo Lounge last Tuesday and then had dinner at Marix. Unless you've experienced this, I can't even begin to describe how fun. Let's just briefly say that 4 kickass margarita pitchers later we were pretty lit. Asprin. My friend. Who's reading this? It's not really for me to think too much about. Forward focus on jobs...bills....then no bills, rent & back to school. j.r.me

Blink

I'm feeling withdrawn right now. We're (Randy, Nathan, Mark) at Randy & Frederic's right now. Nathan is on the main computer and I'm typing on Frederic's laptop. Randy, Randy & Mark are out on the balcony; the conversation as I heard it trail off was, "Are you a top or a bottom."

I don't want to be here. I want to be back at Gary's playing Star Trek: Armada on the internet. That, or I want to be playing Super Smash Brothers here. I'm not in the mood to be drunk, buzzerd, or light headed from the wine that others are drinking. My water is fine. But I'm definitely not in the same mindset as the others. Deep breath......release.

I wake up in the morning to be part of the work force again: my temp job. The people I'm temping for are so far behind in technology it reminds me of working for David Weldon. I'm basically sitting in this small office to take direction from people that have a very small total understanding of how to organize information into a usable database. I'm not supposed to be thinking. That's right....no thinking. Just be free from thought and do.

I think for the first time I've hit my moment where I want to be alone tonight and find that I'm in a relationship and have to explain myself. Communicate.

pee wee

Kinko's again. LOL. I've left corporate America to be drawn back to it for my petty little poisons. =)

I'm catching up with the cyber world and waiting for mark to arrive from his temp job so we can hang out and eat before one of my final treks to Chino.

Tonight will be the last night that Randy & I get to spend together...as in sleeping and waking with each other in the comfort that we have grown accustom to. I'm saddened....but looking toward the future what I can live on my own again and share the same intimacy that we've cultured in the last couple of months. With both of us moving in with our family, I think our creative sides will either flourish or make fools of us. he he he

Ahh....Mark has arrived.....so I'll end to eat.

love...j.r.me

critical

I'm sitting at a Kinko's in Placentia because I don't have ready-access to any computer anywhere else. $12.00 per hour. I think they've made at least that off of me already just from checking my various e-mail accounts for different organizations.

Putnam Investments received my 401(k) payment request and is in the process of getting me the thousand or so dollars that will allow me to live for the next few weeks. Searching for a job right now is feeling part stressful and part not. There is a large piece of me that is looking for those "responsible" type jobs in the classifieds, but another part of me knows that anything to pay bills is acceptable at this point. I put myself in this jobless situation for a reason...sink or swim; and I've always risen to the occasion.

Randy and I are inseparable. Good or bad? Umm..yeah. I enjoy it so much, but the next month is going to shift from the daily convenience of our previous month. Both of us moving toward the homefront, the outlook is bleak as to where we will be spending the nights with each other. (sigh) I'm processing these thoughts every moment of every day while registering for school, watching my bank account dwindle without replenishment and wondering how I will pay for my next meal.

DanceSafe.... I may resign from my elected position. I just am not giving as much to it currently as I believe a Board Member should. I'm probably still putting in as much effort as other members....but that lowers my committment, and I had always hoped that theirs would be more involved. The chapter will not move anywhere in a short amount of time without those committments.

j.r.me....w/out a computer and not knowing when I'll be signing another thought.

not quite new years

I'm sitting at Randy & Frederic's condo and I'm drunk. My fingers are numb. I have to hit the backspace key several time in order to correct the typos before they appear on the screen. There is a CD in the PowerBook on the TV that plays a song I like....it's a good CD. Randy(not Frederic's...but **mine**... is next to me and holding me while I type....ahh... warmth. I am happy to be here. I know it's simple...and that's the joy of it.

There are sounds coming from the kitchen. Mark...coughing.... and voices. I'm not sure what they're saying but it really doesn't matter. I wish that I could suspend myself in this time forever. There's no responsibility. There's not expectation. There's nothing more than the whim at which wind blows life a crazy curve ball and something glorious happens. (or doesn't.) And that's the point....nothing expected...nothing created other than the ripples of life flowing through each of us. I cry inside to think of the power of this...........(sigh)..... and I think of Nathan not here, sulking at home in a situation created quite by his own hands.

What time doesn't tell me, my instinct feels. One more night of intuition to lead me through a darkness that only lightens with the feel of a drunken body.

g'night

j.r.me

run on

Brain Leak Writing....

listening to DIDO "HERE WITH ME" and typing away at work. I'm not even looking at the screen to see what I'm typing. I migh thave a millioni typos by the time I'm finished with this...f.ree flowing thoughts...no editing...and yet still nothing can capture all of these thoughts........so many. I need to bottle them or something? or isn't that the problem...bottling up feelings and thoughts until they become too much, soooo much.? The music changes and I'm still typing. I hear the sounds of people in other cubes around me and I'm can hear my fingers typing....tatpping...smashing so much faster than anyone else could type similarly around me. I'm infatuated...but that's not a good place to be wholly, is it? infatuation is lacking anything long term. I'm afraid that I may risk a friendhip at the cost of something tempoarary...I mean, what realationship of mine has really lasted? What are the odds that getting to know this new person will be any different? I won't kno w until I try, and that's just the truth of it...end that thought.. I have pictures of Andrew a t my desk next to the poem that I wrote about him as he slept. I wonder how he's doing these days...how Tracy is....what life is like for them now that I don't live with them...how life would've been if I would've continued to lived with them. Would I be the father figure that Warren plays for him now or would i always have been something on the outside not quite there? I was close to writing some last night. I went home after the ASF benefit at Mark's Restaurant and started typing. My eyes quickly grew heavy and I stopped with light on and all....maybe a new way to wake up in the morning...keep my light on all night. I don't stay asleep. Some major lifted stress by having my car sold last night. Beautiful beautiful beautiful knowing that there is money in the bank and that i fneeded I could access it. How long can I keep that up? how long how long...how long can I typ e like this before I drive myself crazy....and I notice that I have so many questions...sosos ossoso many questions but I don't say much..don't really answer them....(((long pause))) Plastic Dreams by JAYDEE.

j.r.me