Eddy is trying so hard to get me to go to the White Party next weekend. No matter how many times I tell him, "no" or explain my reasons for not wanting to go, he keeps asking. It's his fatal personality flaw--not knowing when to stop.
As it turns out, I'm not going to have next Saturday night off because the shift bid change isn't going to take effect until the end of April. Figures. But even if I did have the night off, I wasn't going to pay $100 to goto the White Party. It's like one big massive rave and we all know how I prefer smaller parties to larger ones. Or how I "preferred" them. When I attended the White Party in 2003 sober, I was reminded how much I wanted more than just another party. The groves of people were just ridiculous. People weren't even really dancing on the football-size dance floor, but rather, swaying back and forth; droning music of the after hours type...nothing like the trance that I am most attracted to. A good song here and there, but nothing sustaining. Even the year before when I went to the closing party in 2002 I remember the real fun being that I was with friends and still very much enamored with the whole party scene. Ali drove us that year and he was the sober one. He remarked on how "normal" I appeared in contrast to everyone else rolling their asses off. I told him that's just how I am.
I encourage Eddy to go and experience the festivities because you have to try something to know where you stand on it. (most of the time) It's an event that I think every curious gay male should try attending at least once. Even if you've been to circuit parties elsewhere, it's the Big Kahuna of them all here on the West Coast and it's one of those life markers when you're having a conversation and you can chime in with, "When I went to the White Party..."
He's gotten Rey to agree to go with him. That's such a strange friendship to watch on again and off again. I've always been so rigid with people when it comes to my friendships. There hasn't been a lot of "teeter-totter" antics with them. I remember when I found out that Dean had slept with Danny how easily I dropped him and never looked back. I think I've been that way consistently. With the things that the two of them have endured I wonder if it's true forgiveness or simply blind codependence that keeps everything alive. (or both)
3:00am
As I'm writing... Randy (mine) calls and I see the number on the screen of my phone and this debate starts on whether to answer or not. It's funny, because the phone number comes up on my screen and not his name because his contact information is no longer in my phone. I answer and can tell he has background noise. I really can't talk and we agree to talk later.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Random Night Access
LIFE LESSON: Even if you have someone's phone number stored in your cell phone, write it down in an address book, or online contact system.
LIFE LESSON(a): Don't use speed dials. Make yourself manually dial people's phone numbers so that you don't forget them.
Story idea: Psychologist makes money off of the stories that some of his patients tell during sessions of aliens, paranormal, etc. In the real world other "aliens" read the book and realize that the information is so specific that it has to be coming from others of their kind.
LIFE LESSON(a): Don't use speed dials. Make yourself manually dial people's phone numbers so that you don't forget them.
Story idea: Psychologist makes money off of the stories that some of his patients tell during sessions of aliens, paranormal, etc. In the real world other "aliens" read the book and realize that the information is so specific that it has to be coming from others of their kind.
Worker Bees
If we allow companies to be free to send jobs overseas and do what they "legally" can do so that they turn a profit, we see the down side of this to people here in our country. We're founded on this "idea" of freedom, but freedom to me does not mean that it's acceptable to hurt our citizens so that a business can grow. A person's life and livelihood should not be excised from a company's bottom line.
I've read a couple of online articles from yahoo.com & cnn.com where we have a higher unemployment rate right now but also have more jobs available. Huh? Explain this one to me. Maybe it's as simple as trying to apply for a job internally at Verizon Wireless. So many of my colleagues apply for positions but either never hear back on it or months go by before anything is done. It seems that there should be a simple, HR industry standard on receiving a resume, logging it, responding to the applicant and then proceeding with setting up interviews and once a candidate is selected for notifying the others that the position is closed. Definitely some companies are better than others on this, but it's way too erratic.
I've long held the belief that our Capitalist mentality is going to be our undoing. On the one hand it fosters competition and innovation, but on the other it is a breeding ground for greed and corruption. We have had periods in our global history of "enlightenment" where ideas and people grew without the dog eat dog mentality of companies.
Alas, companies are made of people. People are the ones with the seeds of greed and corruption within them. We have all these jobs available, but as the population expands, fewer and fewer people have "specialized knowledge" and the haves vs. the have nots grows. In observing the people I've worked with in corporations over the last decade, it's obvious to me that the majority of people do their job to make money---not for the love or passion of it. It is a means to an end.
On that thought... I'll end this rant.
I've read a couple of online articles from yahoo.com & cnn.com where we have a higher unemployment rate right now but also have more jobs available. Huh? Explain this one to me. Maybe it's as simple as trying to apply for a job internally at Verizon Wireless. So many of my colleagues apply for positions but either never hear back on it or months go by before anything is done. It seems that there should be a simple, HR industry standard on receiving a resume, logging it, responding to the applicant and then proceeding with setting up interviews and once a candidate is selected for notifying the others that the position is closed. Definitely some companies are better than others on this, but it's way too erratic.
I've long held the belief that our Capitalist mentality is going to be our undoing. On the one hand it fosters competition and innovation, but on the other it is a breeding ground for greed and corruption. We have had periods in our global history of "enlightenment" where ideas and people grew without the dog eat dog mentality of companies.
Alas, companies are made of people. People are the ones with the seeds of greed and corruption within them. We have all these jobs available, but as the population expands, fewer and fewer people have "specialized knowledge" and the haves vs. the have nots grows. In observing the people I've worked with in corporations over the last decade, it's obvious to me that the majority of people do their job to make money---not for the love or passion of it. It is a means to an end.
On that thought... I'll end this rant.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Come What May
I have been preoccupied with thoughts of Jeff, Guy & Guy's son.
My only April Fool's joke today has been to pretend that I wanted to move in with Eddy on May 1st. Jokes are better played in person. Mine was one the phone. In any case, I'm sure that I'm still the April Fool.
Tyler has been attending the last few movie nights. He's an awesome cuddle bunny. I still find myself wanting no more, no less in the arena of romance. I think that my head is still too tied up with things I do not quite understand; I go where my instincts lead.
For some reason I flashed in my head Bjork in the movie, DANCER IN THE DARK. The scene where she's at work at I kept sensing that something bad was about to happen in the movie. I remember seeing that with Andy over three years ago. I wonder how he is these days. He was full of such emotion. ((And to this day the only person that I maybe be accused of failing to "get a room' while on the dance floor.))
Plaxo.com is becoming a more regular used product by me. I've been slow to use it as I figure others will be too.
Sitting on the corner of my bed, I realize that I skipped March for reading a new book. I reach out and grab Bret Easton Ellis' AMERICAN PSYCHO and goto the first chapter. Immediately I get that strange spine tingle feeling. The chapter is titled: "April Fools"
My only April Fool's joke today has been to pretend that I wanted to move in with Eddy on May 1st. Jokes are better played in person. Mine was one the phone. In any case, I'm sure that I'm still the April Fool.
Tyler has been attending the last few movie nights. He's an awesome cuddle bunny. I still find myself wanting no more, no less in the arena of romance. I think that my head is still too tied up with things I do not quite understand; I go where my instincts lead.
For some reason I flashed in my head Bjork in the movie, DANCER IN THE DARK. The scene where she's at work at I kept sensing that something bad was about to happen in the movie. I remember seeing that with Andy over three years ago. I wonder how he is these days. He was full of such emotion. ((And to this day the only person that I maybe be accused of failing to "get a room' while on the dance floor.))
Plaxo.com is becoming a more regular used product by me. I've been slow to use it as I figure others will be too.
Sitting on the corner of my bed, I realize that I skipped March for reading a new book. I reach out and grab Bret Easton Ellis' AMERICAN PSYCHO and goto the first chapter. Immediately I get that strange spine tingle feeling. The chapter is titled: "April Fools"
growing
I'm in official "shag" phase with my hair. It's annoying, but necessary to get into the next phase. So, I guess you could say that my hair is in the puberty of it's existence currently.
I think I used that metaphor because I had the opportunity to speak at Saddleback High School today in front of different GSA's (Gay Straight Alliances) from around Orange County.
I think I used that metaphor because I had the opportunity to speak at Saddleback High School today in front of different GSA's (Gay Straight Alliances) from around Orange County.
Monday, March 29, 2004
Can I Keep Me?
Cardwell and I are on his balcony and listen to the water as it makes its way down to the pond. He suggests that I just hang out at the pool instead of going to the beach and deal with the sand. He puffs on the cigarette, but the smell doesn't bother me because I'm already deep into a mood.
We're back at his place from lunch at TGIF with Eddy, Rey, Joe (Ortiz) and the two of us. A headache that I woke up with started to dull but now is intense and throbbing. I think it has a lot to do with my environment. I'm already two aspirin under, and I've just taken two Tylenol to compliment.
He finds the sunblock and I apply it to my tattoo. I realize that I do capture a lot of moments but I have never connected them together to tell a story. I have never put the effort into sewing up all of the moments and they begin to sag. Sagittarius.
My hands are not steady. Shaking. Motorcycle - "As The Rush Comes"
We're back at his place from lunch at TGIF with Eddy, Rey, Joe (Ortiz) and the two of us. A headache that I woke up with started to dull but now is intense and throbbing. I think it has a lot to do with my environment. I'm already two aspirin under, and I've just taken two Tylenol to compliment.
He finds the sunblock and I apply it to my tattoo. I realize that I do capture a lot of moments but I have never connected them together to tell a story. I have never put the effort into sewing up all of the moments and they begin to sag. Sagittarius.
My hands are not steady. Shaking. Motorcycle - "As The Rush Comes"
Friday, March 26, 2004
Kinky Staples
It's like I'm not really part of this world. Or if it's not like that it's like I'm this crazy artist but I'm too afraid to be that person and I walk in line with the rest of the monkeys.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
O P A Q U E
There was a night while living in Woodbridge where all the power went out and Randy and I drove around in the darkness. It was eerie.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
All that glitters is sometimes Silver.
I saw BT spin for $10. It's a random sentence for a random occurrence. I was having a spontaneous dinner @ Marix with Eddy. Cardwell--as is normal when in deep sleep--did not answer his phone to join.
In a 24hr span, I found myself in West Hollywood surrounded by lesbians at the dinner table and then sitting on the concrete/brick steps in front of the Long Beach Performing Arts Center watching the water fountains. In that time, there was a lot of talk about purpose...and finding one's own purpose in life. I remember that haunting me for a long time. I sometimes forget that Eddy is 21, at the same age I was when I dated Chuck and at a time when I was truly coming into understanding that the world was not all that I had thought it to be. Even my journals from that time are sparce because I wasn't sure from one day to the next where my path was leading me. I didn't trust myself enough to follow my instincts. I didn't know enough to trust my head and my heart was beating too fast to catch it.
I woke up this afternoon with a renewed interest in seeing the "special edition" of my Moulin Rouge DVD so I went downstairs and began going through the 2nd DVD. Videos, extended dance routines, a lil on the behind the scenes making-of stuff. What I found myself really wanting to watch were the chapter sequences of "Your Song" and "Come What May." Music and/or song really does communicate on a different level. If I were to read the words from those chapters or simply watch the actors speak the words to each other, it wouldn't make me cry. But alone, snuggled up to cushions with the surround sound up loud so that you can hear every breath and quiver in the performance it strikes locks in my head and little trickles are formed. I think of the kind of love that I am capable of giving....and then the thoughts of "purpose" float back.
I've long held a belief that I was never meant for one person, though this is the social belief I was raised to have. So fighting an instinct that has no way of being tangible and the years of conditioning from culture is noisome to the psyche if I were to let both sides wage all out aggression. I think I've tried to deny my instinct here for a long time. When I say not one person, I don't mean the antithesis, that I should run around slutting around---what I mean is that I've always had this sense that I come into someone's life as there is some change happening and I'm there for a reason and then I move on or they do, or we both do. In most cases I maintian my friendship with them, but it's not the relationship that was ever meant to be sustained. If I could come to terms and truly believe that, then I might live a life in that purpose and be rid of this other side that wants the house, kids, marriage license and the Summer vacations together. hahaha... good luck on that dream ever fading away.
While having dinner, Eddy & I shared a Kick Ass pitcher of Midori Margaritas. I called Jenny (Nathan's cousin) and she's the one who said she could get us on the guest list for BT. Why not? I was feeling spontaneous with that ever nagging sense of responsibility in the back of my head.
The event was being held at Avalon, the same place where about a month ago I had spent time for Unity. Gay events and straight events at this same venue have their differences and similarities. All the straight guys keep their shirts on. Only girls dance on the boxes. But on both nights, people were high, having sex in the dark corners and balconies, but most of all, dancing in that cosmic togetherness where strangers smile and talk to strangers and no matter how you move to the music, your movement is a positive force circulating.
In a couple hours there will be people here for Movie Night. A few hours after that I will be at work.
Do you know what a hapster is?
In a 24hr span, I found myself in West Hollywood surrounded by lesbians at the dinner table and then sitting on the concrete/brick steps in front of the Long Beach Performing Arts Center watching the water fountains. In that time, there was a lot of talk about purpose...and finding one's own purpose in life. I remember that haunting me for a long time. I sometimes forget that Eddy is 21, at the same age I was when I dated Chuck and at a time when I was truly coming into understanding that the world was not all that I had thought it to be. Even my journals from that time are sparce because I wasn't sure from one day to the next where my path was leading me. I didn't trust myself enough to follow my instincts. I didn't know enough to trust my head and my heart was beating too fast to catch it.
I woke up this afternoon with a renewed interest in seeing the "special edition" of my Moulin Rouge DVD so I went downstairs and began going through the 2nd DVD. Videos, extended dance routines, a lil on the behind the scenes making-of stuff. What I found myself really wanting to watch were the chapter sequences of "Your Song" and "Come What May." Music and/or song really does communicate on a different level. If I were to read the words from those chapters or simply watch the actors speak the words to each other, it wouldn't make me cry. But alone, snuggled up to cushions with the surround sound up loud so that you can hear every breath and quiver in the performance it strikes locks in my head and little trickles are formed. I think of the kind of love that I am capable of giving....and then the thoughts of "purpose" float back.
I've long held a belief that I was never meant for one person, though this is the social belief I was raised to have. So fighting an instinct that has no way of being tangible and the years of conditioning from culture is noisome to the psyche if I were to let both sides wage all out aggression. I think I've tried to deny my instinct here for a long time. When I say not one person, I don't mean the antithesis, that I should run around slutting around---what I mean is that I've always had this sense that I come into someone's life as there is some change happening and I'm there for a reason and then I move on or they do, or we both do. In most cases I maintian my friendship with them, but it's not the relationship that was ever meant to be sustained. If I could come to terms and truly believe that, then I might live a life in that purpose and be rid of this other side that wants the house, kids, marriage license and the Summer vacations together. hahaha... good luck on that dream ever fading away.
While having dinner, Eddy & I shared a Kick Ass pitcher of Midori Margaritas. I called Jenny (Nathan's cousin) and she's the one who said she could get us on the guest list for BT. Why not? I was feeling spontaneous with that ever nagging sense of responsibility in the back of my head.
The event was being held at Avalon, the same place where about a month ago I had spent time for Unity. Gay events and straight events at this same venue have their differences and similarities. All the straight guys keep their shirts on. Only girls dance on the boxes. But on both nights, people were high, having sex in the dark corners and balconies, but most of all, dancing in that cosmic togetherness where strangers smile and talk to strangers and no matter how you move to the music, your movement is a positive force circulating.
In a couple hours there will be people here for Movie Night. A few hours after that I will be at work.
Do you know what a hapster is?
Monday, March 22, 2004
Snores Ignores
Just finished watching Moulin Rouge here @ Cardwell's place. Both the boys fell asleep on each side of me. By the end scene where the climax of love is sung out loud, I had the the dual snoring of Eddy & Randy.
Now I'm transferring music. It's a slow process and never fast of enough for me. Maybe I'll just listen to it instead of trying to type.
Now I'm transferring music. It's a slow process and never fast of enough for me. Maybe I'll just listen to it instead of trying to type.
