Sing Along!

All these years and I never knew that it had a 2nd verse....

I'm A Little Tea Pot
-----------------------------

I'm a little teapot, short and stout
Here is my handle,
here is my spout.
When I get all steamed up,
hear me shout
Just tip me over and pour me out!

I'm a clever teapot,
yes it's true
Here's an example of what I can do
I can change my handle to my spout
Just tip me over and pour me out
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Mixing DJ's

Reading Facebook posts and comments that strange sixth sense kicks in and I see the entire "potential" relationship of two people take place in the blink of an eye. They would be so cute together but talent will take them in different directions.

I haven't felt that spark in a while.

Time for a hair cut.

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Half My Life

I had dinner earlier tonight with Nick, Arturo & Chris. (Art Turtle's b/f) It was a very adult dinner and it seems fitting now that I reflect on it as I have known Arturo half my life.

I'm double the age of "adulthood," though I'm sure it's debatable that I've become twice the adult.

Eighteen fucking years... I'm in awe.

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"On top of Old Smokey,
All covered with snow.
I lost my true lover,
For courtin' too slow."

Modern Day Interpretation:
Some gay dude was flying high, cheating & giving it to a Bear while snorting cocaine off his backside; meanwhile, the love of his life wasn't waiting around all night for someone who never came home.

The lesson here?

REMEMBER KIDS...ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!

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Passenger Pal

Sun bright. I'm a passenger in Josh's car in the carpool lane of the 91 FWY heading to Riley's first birthday party. There was a mini-van in front of us and I have a quick thought about a time when I began driving and there were very few vehicles that could obstruct the line of sight for miles in front of you. I've always had this disdain for mini-vans and the driving behavior of their operators. (Often)

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The Newness; who knew?

I've been depressed before, and in the midst of my depression, unable to get out of bed. The feeling isn't pleasant. Though not exactly paralysis, when that deeply depressed, it certainly does not feel like getting up and moving is a viable option at the time. There is a pain involved. Moving, thinking, or making any type of decision most definitely increases the pain in those severely depressed times. This past week following my birthday weekend WAS NOT a spell or bout of depression at all.

I VERY consciously chose to sleep and to remain in bed all week long following my birthday weekend. I would wake up to go to the bathroom or to eat and lay right back down with my eyes closed into the dream world. I slept so much that when I was awake, I would stand and have to take a few steps to get my balance, so dizzy from not being awake. (Haha, or one might make the joke that consciousness is a dizzying experience) I didn't talk on the phone unless absolutely necessary and even lapsed with text.

I've never felt at such an impasse before when it comes to the people in my life and the importance that I place on them. I don't know that I've ever been this far off the mark; knowing what importance I play in their lives. In the past, I've certainly felt disappointment from missed engagements on my part or their part; I've felt the thinning of time when life's "successes" have pulled someone into a job, relationship or out of the loop entirely; and most definitely I know the simplicity of just growing in different directions. I don't know this feeling I have that is detachment, to such a degree, that I have begun withdrawing any emotions from being shared that would allow me to feel as blatantly ass-raped as I felt last weekend.

All this on the eve of my niece's 1st birthday celebration; where I will swoop in, be all sorts of smiles and champion the sunshine to brighten the day as much as possible in this Winter Weather, haha. I will be Uncle Jeremy, seldom seen in Riley's 1st year, but remaining part of the Swiss when it comes to these delicate family matters. I will write a poem for this girl who will not understand it or read it for years to come because I know she will already want for nothing in material things and it will be her heart & soul that I should like to be known to and remain friends with years & years from now when she looks back to the photos of this 1st bday and is told what a day it was because she will have no memory of it herself. ((Early Childhood Psychology 101---the brain simply doesn't for long term memory until later)). It's important to give her love, for the dresses, toys and other gifts will not last as long as love will.

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A Child' Razor Senses Cuts

...And she waved to me as she walked off the bus...and I waved back and I'm gonna lose it.
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A Child's Razor Senses

I've been doing a good job of keeping my tears out of the public arena these past couple days. I'm on the 210 Metro Bus on the way home and there is a little girl (maybe 3 or 4) sitting in the window seat in front of me next mother. I have my headset playing music and though I'm keeping a smile on my face, she looks at me with sullen eyes aa if wondering why I'm crying... And my eyes start to gloss.

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I'm Trying. Really Trying.

It's the ones who can kiss that I always miss.

Thanksgiving Eve:
Standing in line at the coat check here at The Factory and looking at the faces passing by....I am that guy I used to watch in the movies as a kid and I understand so vividly what I never got before.

Thanksgiving Day: (12:01am)
I'm watching homeless people who are high pick at the pizza scraps left on tables. The drunks from Fiesta Cantina and walking by laugh at them... and I start to cry.

Life.

Today---Entry Date:
I have rented "Eat Pray Love" from the local 7-11 Redbox. I chose to watch the Director's Cut...

My eyes are really green today.
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J-D-J

"...How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss?..."

Sight is a simple sense that one doesn't tend to over-analyze. Eyes open...sight on. That said, an artist's eye may walk by a city alley and see his/her next photo shoot where someone else just sees the homeless person, and still another's eyes just the alley. Learning to "fully" see is not the same as simply propping the eyelid up. For as much as we use our eyes, sometimes we are truly blind to what our eyes gaze upon. Like the once common practice in photos from earlier generations, we all color what we see with our own emotional palette.

Spending time with couples is one of the times when my sight is at its clearest. What my eyes see is processed through my heart simultaneously and the image becomes a portrait of real and idealized harmony. Sharing in their intimacy has varying levels of success. Always so many variables. Oh, if everyone could be skilled Human Chemists to concoct the a formula for social mixing.

Sometimes trying to capture a moment with words is best done as close to the time of the event. Other times the moment itself can be so overwhelming that time must add its seasoning to the writing recipe for words to appear. I know that when I experience a moment that is beyond words when I remember it and a smile appears on my face; a sigh ensues and for a microsecond the pleasure is relived.

And so just like (link to my first time-->) my first time in March 2003, I sigh...


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If The Sun Comes Up Tomorrow

If tears could be transcribed, I would have written several novels by now.

***
I'm sending you all my love
I'm sending you all my love
Because you're no longer here
I'm not saving a drop for me
I'm not taking it back with me
Because I know you will appear.
***

Four days.
For days...
Foreplays.

I wrote for my Facebook status today, "I have succeeded in many different arenas, but never is making myself numb."

I have compartmentalized, but I run out of boxes quickly.

"This morning I woke up alone...let her cry...And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be."
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Gay is Wonderful: Reason #1

I've decided w/the recent publicity of gay teen suicides, I'm going to start posting reasons why being GAY is actually quite WONDERFUL. Today's reason: "Having the opportunity to lose your virginity to a guy with the same name your sister lost her virginity to." (Same name, not same guy)

Goodbye Curve, Hello Bold

The return of my mobile posting via Research In Motion. No more cryptic short 160 character max SMS posts. (though I was enjoying a brief foray into the haiku again)

I'm in San Francisco with Cardwell, LiL Joe & Joey. My first road trip to The City in the car with Cardwell. I think he tolerated it quite well as it was only slightly longer than our trips to Las Vegas. We are staying with Phil. (As I wrote that last line I suddenly had a parental moment about making sure "thank you" notes get completed.)

As I continue to learn the complexities and variables of different people in altered states, I feel frustration to lust to joy to numb. I must remember that frustration stems from expectations. (Mine) But expecting nothing...I'm not sure I do that well. (Or want to)

Folsom Street Fair in a few hours. The prude comes full circle and what will the day hold for us all?
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Run by Snow Patrol covered by Leona Lewis

Snow Patrol's original version is still my favorite.  There's a real experience transferred from Gary Lightbody's voice that is both somber and sweet.  It makes me pause each time I play it.  Leona did a nice cover and she made a playlist, but the words below are really the only reason to be in my journal.

RUN...

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say...

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear
louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
i can hardly speak I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say...

slower, slower
we don't have time for that
all i want is to find an easier way
to get out of our little heads

have heart, my dear
we're bound to be afraid
even if it's just for a few days
making up for all this mess

A Cough, An Echo

I've spent a large part of yesterday (Tuesday) sleeping and installing over 50 windows updates on the computer at my brother's house.  (Still on IE7.x...  egad)  A lot of the time has been due to the VZW dial in connection on what they consider to be broadband and I still laugh at it six years after working at the place.

I've had two days of my niece.  She's....well....she's all the things you would say of a baby if it was in your family.  The really funny part about all this attention we give to infants and toddlers is that they won't have any real memories of it.  They're brains just aren't formed enough to store long term memory yet.  It is still amazing to me watching motor and mouth skills develop; watching a personality begin to blueprint.  :-)

This is the first time I have had an entry on here longer than a few sentences because I've been text posting from my lame phone without the regular life buddy of a computer or "smart" phone.  The keys are rather loud with my fast typing in this house.  2:15am and all is silent but me and the fish tank.  I think it's a little louder.

It looks like plans have been set in motion to attend the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco next week.  I have been only once before in my life and I was 19 or 20 years old at the time.  I was living in Sacramento and my roommate, "Ducky" Vu Vu....haha---i hadn't thought of the nicknames in a while---and I went.  Back then I was disgusted and uncomfortable being there.  Last night in chat, I was telling Wes that I will probably find little that will even bat an eye.  Oh how time changes us. 

And oh how time changes others... health issues seem to be at the center of many people close to me.  I get annoyed by hearing about them all the time because there is nothing I can do.  Listen is what I can do.  But listening and compassion has a limit I think.  Eh...  we'll see when the tables are turned.

I have seen my niece for the second time and she is more beautiful than ever. So many smiles from her.

Bobby's Becka had four puppies. The Smith/Waters show was standing room only & I shared that with the best of friends. I am beginning to connect again.

Passing by Sunset & Parkman on the 704. Hearing the bus announcement brings back so many memories.

The second time this year like this. Without a partner or like-minded brainwaves, I feel the need to control outward appearances which takes energy. Breathe.

Haiku: September begins / Sliding into Holidays / Ending in New Years

Haiku Memory

Salem cafe stop
Wine, ciche, warm laughter abounds
Soothing guitar plays

Depression Haiku

Three days sans a brush
Still the Angel needs to eat
Nourishment...not food

Downward Spiral

Ahh, the funny thing about depression and depressed people is that those who are not depressed seldom really want to be around depressing people---they're "downers."  It's easier to become more and more detached from people when they don't want to be around you.

Or don't have the time.

Or don't make the time.

Take your pick.

It's hot. I'm sticky & it's ten at night. I'm reminded of living the vampire life of graveyard.

Testing SMS posting for Earthjeremy.

Naturally

My lil gay bro, Bobby--or "Lando" as he is known to many--has blessed me with his offspring and I've had a wonderful day with Joey, Josh & the roo-roos.

The beach and friends is really the highest high I have ever attained.  It feels amazing.

I've Got To Take A Little Time...

There is a vulnerability I have not allowed myself in the past couple of months.  After spending the beginning of this year wrapped in the continuing grief from last year's break-up, I moved on from a bad working environment and spent another month healing far away from the constant memories of what was no longer mine.  I cried so much in the first quarter of this year that these last two months have felt strange with dry eyes.  While I have felt much more even keel, I have become acutely tuned to anything that is dramatic in my surroundings.  My sensitivity to such things seems to be deepened.  


I wrote on someone's Facebook status today that "drama is life and can be healthy, teaching & productive.  Without good drama, living life is like watching a heart monitor flatline, and that's not much of a life..."  I was out dancing a few hours ago and saw someone who was part of a journal entry posted here back on March 3, 2003.   I have loved, been loved and lost love. Love is a 5th state of matter (or 4th depending on who you talk to) that never really goes away. I don't think it's supposed to.


No...probably not.

FB Status #

FACEBOOK STATUS: I just got used to girl friends changing their last names after getting married now he has to get used to bottoms doing it too.

Re-living The Reels

I'm very far away from all of the family that I have created over the years. With all of this time to reflect, I'm watching so many videos taken over the years but never edited or posted. I'm smiling and laughing but in the end it does make the isolation feel a tad bit further.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
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A Time To Be

Sitting here with them... It reminds me how life used to be with friends sitting around for the weekly gathering; a time when the sense of belonging was more important than the individual lives and directions.

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Gaffney Bedding

I had a simple bed for many years. It was larger than full, but nowhere near a queen. The irregular size was due to it being a futon mattress. The mattress had a black, wooden frame that was raised about eighteen inches above the ground. The frame was bisected by a thin, but sturdy 3x2 piece of wood that touched end to end the length of the bed; several thin, wide slats laid across this piece of wood to run the bed's width supporting both me and the mattress. The bed was the perfect size for my body and the perfect height to collapse upon. Each night, it would absorb the weight of my days.


When you sat on the ground, the frame supported your back. You could be on the ground talking to someone sitting on the mattress and not feel like they were towering above you. There were no squeaky springs to make noise when you rolled over, got up, or made other movements.


I assembled and disassembled this bed each time I moved domiciles dating back to 1999 in Anaheim, CA where the bed was given to me by Johnathan Gaffney as he was moving out to live with a boyfriend in 1997. Surprisingly, I was able to keep an allen wrench & all of the peices to the bed in a zip-locked baggie without losing any pieces over the years. Ironically, it was moving on from my own relationship this last 2009 holiday season that I left the bed behind to end it's journey in Silverlake.


I learned yesterday that Johnathan is no longer with us. In many ways I think of him as my first little gay brother. I've recounted the story to a few people and written it down that my fondest memories of living with him were driving in his car up to West Hollywood and dancing until the house lights came up at Axis (now called The Factory). He may no longer be dancing among us, but he will always be dancing with us.


Johanthan...his smile was larger than full, but he was nowhere near a queen to me. Rest well my dear friend on the memories I'll keep of your bed.

I Want To Hold Your Hand

"I've been in love before...the hardest part is when you're in it."

I'm listening to the song by Cutting Crew. I don't know that the hardest part is when you're in it, unless you count the part where you're still in love but not together. That's the hardest part sometimes... the lingering. Then there's the hardest part of watching while one of you moves on and the other is still stuck. Stuck is such an ugly word choice; implying that there's something wrong for feeling. It feels wrong sometimes for the involved parties.

When you're in it...you learn the things about yourself that only another can trigger...not teach. You teach yourself if you choose to learn. That's truly being "in it."

Today/tonight seems to be one of those days where all song lyrics lead me back to lessons. Some learned, some still learning and still some just lost on me as I choose selective memories. By limiting my choices...I'm following what Frenchy said earlier tonight in IM:

nickoc86 7:27 pm
(7:28:11 PM): sometime its easier to make choices when there arent that many available
Earth Jeremy 7:28 pm
(7:28:30 PM): I'm quoting you on that.

Every Kiss Begins with K

I think I've always pretty much loved Jane Seymour and things she's been in, but the best is lying here eating licorice and seeing a commercial I've seen hundreds of times for Kay Jewelers where she says, "You were right mom, keep your heart open and love will alway find its way in."

Prestegard Gage

Earth Jeremy 10:55 am
(10:55:13 AM):     So since we had lunch last week, not today... hahaha...  (although I would love to, but need to fix the financial situation first)
Charlie Gage 10:55 am
(10:55:46 AM):     ok that was weird

(10:56:00 AM):     oh

(10:56:04 AM):     i misread taht
Earth Jeremy 10:56 am
(10:56:10 AM):     Yes, you must have
Charlie Gage 10:56 am
(10:56:32 AM):     i was about to send an IM asking if wanted to have lunch today, i thought u predicted it saying u cant because of your $ work
Earth Jeremy 10:56 am
(10:56:58 AM):     yes, I did

(10:57:00 AM):     haha
Charlie Gage 10:57 am
(10:57:08 AM):     ha
Earth Jeremy 10:57 am
(10:57:21 AM):     I'm drinking beer... the universe is in alignment... psychic energy that I thwART normally is afot

(10:57:31 AM):     or afoot
Charlie Gage 10:57 am
(10:57:37 AM):     we do that a lot haha
Earth Jeremy 10:58 am
(10:58:59 AM):     I think much of what people chalk up to something like ESP is just knowing each other well.

(10:59:16 AM):     But knowing someone is too intimate so a higher power has to be invoked.
Charlie Gage 10:59 am
(10:59:48 AM):     good point
Charlie Gage 11:06 am
(11:06:49 AM):     ok

(11:06:52 AM):     so
Earth Jeremy 11:07 am
(11:07:03 AM):     Good enough to post as my blog today

The Soul Evaporates

When one has spent time and effort to build a "role persona" for others to see, such as the decisive boss, the omniscient teacher or charismatic socialite, it is easy to get lost if it is just a fascade and not who the person is at the core.  Who are we?  While playing many roles in life isn't uncommon, I think getting lost is.  How can you find yourself if not lost to begin with?  (Or if not lost, unknown.)

I'm looking out the window toward the pool and I can see the heat escaping as the rain dives down to mix with the chlorinated water.  It was in this very water where I watched Xander evaporate into the James he truly was for a moment.  It was in this water where I watched my James be a fish he loves to be. 

Ambient music from buzzoutroom.com leads me to think today will be heavy to balance out the extreme levity that I approached yesterday with.

X-Marks

I want a floor to ceiling mirror that has "You Are Here" printed on it.