It's easy in sleep where dreams are.
These last waking minutes before the end of work I think about the Monkey and listen to "Come What May." Sniffles.
I talked to Randy on the phone yesterday and broke down. Nothing feels like it should; like your taste buds when you're sick. I wish for a day of rain that I might be able to go play in it and be a child for a bit.
(And let the rain hide the tears)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Where, not what, is the point?
"Just go ahead and fly again... no one's going to hold you back."
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Words are sometimes just much too easy to speak, especially when they're song lyrics.
I've stared at this screen so long now that three songs have passed and my vision has blurred because I'm not really focusing on any particular thing. My AIM is open and I watch people log on and log off. I say nothing. They say nothing. I sometimes think, "What's the point in even having it launched?"
"What's the point?" iS a thought that enters my head a lot lately. The point is to find a way to incorporate the love that I've experienced into my daily walk as I have done before; as I don't think I have it in me to do again. The wind has truly been knocked out of me this time.
It only hurts when I breathe.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Child's Voice
It's been a LONG weekend at work for me. I didn't intend it to be, but the culmination of a new position, an intense but ending relationship and being the off week for payday I ended up staying on property until this morning. I just woke up an hour ago to my phone...three hours after I was supposed to be awake.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
I sat down to work, but the overwhelming honesty of a child's voice entered my brain and I'm about to cry even now as I type. (And there it goes)
As I told my friend and ex co-worker over the weekend, "I wish I didn't know better. I wish I didn't have experiences that taught me what I'm doing is right. I don't want to be another person who in his eyes just leaves him." This is not a relationship that I want to flush or forget, but at this point in time, it's raw & tender and exposed. It's like ripping duct tape off a 3rd degree burn victim's skin each time we come together and then have to leave. This skin needs time to heal up before the next meeting. I cannot be both a friend and a healer for myself and the one I love. I feel selfish in saying that. I have learned that it is not always comfortable saying the things that are true.
I can't get that voice out of my head.
I just want to be asleep again.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Chasing Pavements
Whatever patterns we feel comfortable with, I will always see him for the beauty; feel the comfort of lazy days under slats of sunlight from the nearby window.
It's very hard to see images of intimacy shared so freely. Ads, work, dollars and cents. Of course it's sad. Yes my eyes get glossy, but I know in my heart what I shared was the first and probably only time that I will allow such an exchange. We may never see intimacy the same way, but it doesn't diminish the value I placed on each touch. (Each memory)
Cries do not extinguish passion.
Caring cannot ignore actions.
Kisses are not complete sentences.
Craving his love keeps gentle quakes coarsing through my body.
I hold on. I let go.
I wish upon the stars as the rain finds me looking up.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Alphabet Soup
"Like living on an island...I've lost all land in sight." - Sarah Brightman
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
A very subtle sensation drapes across me. My world begins to be sensed as if through the sheerness of a curtain's inner lining. I see everything, but just long enough for it not to mean anything. I'm happy that some of the coughing has subsided. I remember an idea of change that I followed a little over a year ago and it seems to have brought me into a new experience that I had felt was lacking at that time in my life.
I used to believe that I had to have solid reasons for living. Goals. Ambitions. I changed somewhere and focused on just enjoying the relationships of those dear to me. I feel like I've lost most of those over the last couple years. I spent last Saturday night out with Cardwell and the euphoric state only reached through extended dancing made me remember that anything with a solid foundation will be there in the future when one realizes the simple things that they know deep down.
The world I'm in begins swirling and I let myself turn.
