Scenes of Hollow

My first day riding the bus in the rain. Yesterday I packed my umbrella in my backpack because I saw that the streets were wet when I emerged from the subway in Downtown LA. As I briskly paced myself to the bus stop this morning there was the damp smell in the air, but nothing falling from the sky. I realized as I was about a block away from Sunset and could see the cars going by on it that I only had a $10 bill and would have to stop at the local "PK Donut & Ice Cream" shop to buy a bit of breakfast in order to get anywhere this morning. The store is in a small, corner strip mall where the bus stop is. Just as I stepped out of the store, the drops began to lightly spot my arms and I could hear the bus engine revving around the corner. It was cold out, but the drops seemed to cool the rushed feeling of getting "exact" change ready; which was done precisely as the bus stopped and the door opened.

(Having watched Narnia last night the temperature change stepping through the door was quick to metaphor)

Ten years ago I had recently returned home from Orlando, FL from a 10 day vacation with Nathan, Greg, and David-Robert. I was anti-drug, but had recently (within a year) been "drunk" for the first time. I worked for a company that paid me well for pushing paper around efficiently but that I loathed going to work for. I was beginning to fall in love again, but this time I felt that it was on some more "adult" level having experienced the coming out affections of my puppy playfulness. Prior to the vacation, I took part in a clinical trial for depression medication because I had always been told I should be on meds, but really I was doing it for the money. I would throw one pill away each time I was supposed to take one and report back each week that I felt no change. (I really did feel no change)

The loves have changed. The jobs have changed. The depression has not changed, but I have started to actually take the medication. In a decade of reflection, there are many ripples to distort the view but also knowledge and experience to counter this effect.

I wish it would rain down hard tonight.

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The Luckiest of Loves

In the darkest moments we tell people to look for the the glimmers of light to hold themselves together; stay grounded. As we emerge from the 7th St Station and I feel sunlight on my skin it is of some comfort. The train stops and then moves again and I'm being pulled further and further away from this mess of a "city."

I'm being pulled toward a smaller, slightly less messy city. These melting pots full of cultures, crime and creatures all shapes and sizes. Some are very kind. Some are seething with self-stardom and lacking any self-sacrifice. Before boarding this Blue Line, I was standing on the Red Line next to a beautiful baby girl being held in her mother's arms. She stared at me and - forced a smile back at her. She knew it was insincere and refused to smile back. They always know. I glanced again and her hand was outstretched toward me which put a real smile on my face but I couldn't look too long. I didn't want her to start crying as she surely would have seeing straight into me as children can. It was enough to accept the band aid of her healing little fingers.

I try very hard not to let things beyond my control get to me. Let's face it, it's futile in the end. Sometimes going through the motions can be a valuable lesson of the futility. Sometimes letting one's self be consumed by the futility is a way of spinning your wheels so that you can focus on something as whatever it is out of your control just runs its course. When I find myself in situations that I must be in---which are rare because most of the time I choose to remove myself---i find that it is because of my caring for someone or people or a cause. The funny thing is that over time, one lesson learned is to avoid being in these situations. Another lesson is learning the importance of accepting that these situations are necessary, if only to play a part in a greater orchestration.

I've stayed relatively quiet on the Prop 8 debate. I feel like I'm saving my energy for the fight that will ensue after election day. I do not plan on being silent then.

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Sleepless in Silverlake

My alarm is set for 4:45am but I'm already awake now for an hour, lying in bed and unable to "drift" back to that sleepy place. Damn meds. Grrr.

I forgot yesterday that I set-up my journal to be copied to my email list. My phone alerted me to a new email as soon as I posted and when I looked to see what it was, I immediately had the thought, "That's a lot of information that I don't know if I really wanted to broadcast." Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the habit of concealing my feelings from friends, but my email list has a range of people on it. I consider them all "friends." Those of you who know me well know I don't throw that term around like any gay ghetto socialite might. Knowing me is the key to the thought that popped in my head. The email list of twenty-some odd people ranges from people who have known me for over a decade (and I feel very close to) all the way to people who I may have recently met and am still forming foundations.

Random: The distance from Ky's place in Silverlake to my work in West Hollywood is 7.4 miles according to Google Maps when routing by the Bus 4/704 route. It says it is a 21 minute drive. There is one bus driver in particular who I usually get in the evenings when I have to work graveyard and he holds VERY close to the 21 minute estimate. I love him. :-) The reality is that a bus during the daytime will range anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour for that same 7.4 miles depending on traffic, stops, and the will of the bus driver. Also, according to Google, the same 7.4 miles would take me 2hrs 26min to walk. So....if I left right now at 4:37am, I'd be to work on time at 7am.

I'm not in the mood to try it, however, I am in the mood to eat.

Filed Enclosures

Brain flush time:

Sitting crossed legged on the bed, eyes closed. music playing. window open. I hear Buster's movement in the other room; his collar gives him away. The blinds are open slightly and even with my eyes closed I know this because of the amount of light that I feel on my face. I open my eyes.

Dogs bark throughout the neighborhood. It's 10:30am and the BTU's of the a/c unit in the other room can be heard, but not felt. Dry hands. Good Tiesto song on random play. I'm hungry, but not enough to get up and move. The shower seems like a nice story, but it too requires an effort that I am just not wanting to put forth. A child cries out to someone near it with words that I can not make out. I think, "Is it because they are too young to enunciate or are they too far away for me to really know?"

My depression has begun creeping in more and more. Several weeks now. I had five generic Wellbutrin XL's leftover from about a year ago when we discovered the generic didn't work as well with me as the brand name. I'll be on my last one today which leaves the potential of the tricyclic at bedtime to perhaps carry me through this. Being without insurance is odd. I think it's odd because in the whole of my adult life I don't think I've been without for even one whole year. (But I am shortly going to achieve that) I noticed that my last entry was September 27th and here it is half way through October. When I don't write it is sometimes an indication that the depression is fogging up the streets I'm trying to navigate. Not always, but often. The disconnection from friends is definitely feeding the depression. I think until I have made a definite decision about moving or not moving and keeping my job or not keeping it I will continue to be in this predicament. The back and forth from LA to LB is not a trip that I want to make frequently so I end up staying in LA more because Ky and work are there. Work--the thing that is supposed to allow me the green to go and enjoy the time off with friends... haha

I finally did call Randy. We're playing phone tag. His number is one of the few that I actually have committed to memory.

There's much more in my head, but this entry is like moving a valve to let some steam off and allow me some clearing of thoughts.

I need to go running regularly again. Oh... the knees... haha