Twinkle

"The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez


Ain't that the truth.
Shit.

And as I started to type this entry I'm texted by Mario. I read my horoscope for the day:

"Taking a chance can be fun for you today, but your current penchant for risk-taking can also bring trouble. You don't have to push the envelope to enjoy yourself. In romance, however, this can be the right time to open your heart and share it with someone who is ready for fun. Being honest with your feelings breaks down barriers and could lead to a loving connection. "
-Friday, August 31, 2007

What we wouldn't give for that star map so we could navigate more clearly. I'm not so sure a map would help. I think it would only be a snapshot of the way we would see our futures for that moment, but by the time we actually got to any one particular point, the lights would all be arranged differently. We can see and feel light from great distances, but by the time it reaches us, much time has already passed. The stars are not the same as we experience them.

In time, people are not the same as we once experienced them. The moment that we shared their warmth and light isn't necessarily how we will experience them each time our paths cross again. It's nice when that does happen. It's beautiful sometimes. Regardless, I still see all of my warm experiences as stars; bright, shiny, warm.

Twinkle.

Sweating The Small Stuff

In this moment, everything is still.
There is a giant moon tonight.
Fourth house of family what?
I do know that my weeks on running on fumes is over.
This Labor Day will be one of rest.
My mind. My heart. My soul.


I hope to write some lighter thoughts as the days pass.

C me

CRUNCH:

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Now playing on Winamp: Mila Jovovich - In A Glade
i'm thinking this is like a brainstorm excep that I'm going to be far less coherent than when I spew thoughts all over to the next//senteneces///senese and connection most of the time, but connections get lost ...loss losss lsoslssosslsks... that makes me cry and frown because of the lost things...HEAVY BREATH..and then it's gone to the next thought... or to a silence that holds many......so much sleep this morning had dreams and sometimes I woke up to look at the clock and as I would think about reaching for the phone my eyes would shut again and I'm inside my mind. where is the time? where is the angel? where does the love stop long enough to feel good again? WHACK! ----------------Now playing on Winamp: Ben Harper - Waiting On An Angelsuch a fight, always fighting and hitting and kicking and screaming without a voice. SO LOUD..hear me screamingSCREAMING! why can't you hear me screaming? And why doestyping thatmake me cry.pause.----------------Now playing on Winamp: Esthero - Song for Holly I'm online and alone at home and singularly sainted. shoes everywhere.A bigger box in a bigger city and I'm drowning the same way I drown. In sounds waves of sound that are not the ocean but just as formidable. One of my favorite lines in any song in this song, "And if you won't let me go I'm just harder to hold." It's the truth of any love. And when a hold is the most simplistic thing to want.. >why? crash. crash smash smash trash...----------------Now playing on Winamp: Evanescence - My Immortal (Acoustic) asdf,k..my room looks trashed and i've only been here 24 days. HEad so heavy I want to go back to sleep. Washing my face doesn't wakie wakie. Medicine doesn't stop the swinging. Friends..friends...friends..
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Now playing on Winamp: The Bangles - Eternal Flame
via FoxyTunes
None of this comes out in words. None of this is shared. and here my eyes shut down.....shut down my fingers shut down... pull me baack.

Tail Chasing

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life dying with you."
-Justin Jones



Doesn't that just sum it up?
So we run around looking for something else.

Just Worth

I shared an evening with Justin and we both opened up a little more of our lives to each other. Listening to him helps me to reinforce choices I've made and re-evaluate others. I've grown used to valuing his thoughts.

Not Franki Valli

"...yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I want to hold yours too.
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds,
but it's time for me to go home.
It's getting late
Getting dark outside....
Need to be with myself and
center
clarity
peace
serenity
I hope you know. I hope you know.
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do..."

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Now playing on Winamp: Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
via FoxyTunes

Week 2, Day 1

I told Ryan earlier today that the 3-H Club is such a fun force in our lives: the head, heart & hormones. It seems that the goal for many is to try and balance these things, and for some it is to balance these things with one person to share their lives with. Perhaps that this goal is not an easy task is itself laudable for the undertaking. I know those who would argue that finding that balance from a more "global" perspective is a pragmatic and more harmonious approach.

I think from the time we are very small we are taught to love-love. We are taught to love the idea of being in love and all of the splendorous things it will bring to us. I think some of us delude ourselves while some of us hardly allow the imagination to crack open. I think it's been a long time since I've felt giddy for a consistent amount of time.

I had two very important phone conversations today. One was with Laney and the other with Nathan. One turned 35 last month and the other turns 30 this month. Hopefully when September rolls around I will have spent time with both of them for their birthdays.

Midnight approaches and I'm going to let the rest of my thoughts ferment in Never Never Land.

Soulful Navigation

"But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest."
- Buddha

Hearty Smile

I was reading MySpace comments on other people's pages and read the most adorable thing that one boyfriend was remembering about an ex who he is still friends with.

When we're young we'll jump into each of the rambunctious relationships because we're resilient and heal quickly. (Though it never feels that fast) In age there is less jumping, and some call that wisdom. I think secretly we just know that mature hearts like bones take longer to repair.

The Fetus Returns

Not since I was protected in my amniotic play pool and entered the air breathing world have I lived in a real "city." Just about everything has been unpacked from the move from Orange County into Los Angeles County.

Cities have more sadness. I see many people walking aimlessly on the sidewalks and indiscriminately into the streets. (Sometimes just walking down the middle of the street) I can walk to the downtown area. There are police officers on foot. There is a constant sound that is the city itself. It mixes cars and bells and horns and sirens with voices and yells and screeches and music. There is a pulse. I'm trying to find where my heart beats.

Status of blood family.... unchanged. Spoke with Sarah on Sunday while in Laguna Niguel searching for a beach umbrella. Never found one. Ricky, Randy and I layed out at West Beach and while roasting..... the birds took perfect aim and nailed my back and Randy's arm with a fly by. That was just one of the many comical sights of the afternoon. A dip in the ocean cleansed both my outside and inside. A fresh bake has thickened the skin in preparation of the rest of this month.

I drove Charlie, Ricky and Randy to Akbar on Saturday. It was the first time I had ever been there to dance and the music was like nothing that plays anywhere else. So refreshing to dance to something other than hip hop or super gay pop versions of radio songs.

"Pray Your Gods..."

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Now playing on Winamp: Patti LaBell - New Attitude
via FoxyTunes