I'm Allowed My Sadness And Thrive in Sunlight

I saw Jorge at Friction last Thursday. He left soon after I arrived. It was a pleasant surprise seeing him ever so briefly. (I arrived late) I wasn't actually going to go. I was explaining the cons and consequences online to Jason when he mentioned that these things have never stopped me before. He was right. My grown up head was getting the better of me.

I was supposed to go to Tyler's 21st birthday party on Friday. At last mention, it was to be at The Abbey. Charles, Jeff and I drove up and had a couple drinks at Motherlode and then walked over to The Abbey. I had texted Ty earlier in the day but there was no response; no response to a voice mail. My child's head got the better of me and my adult head was there shaking his head with an "I told you so" expression. I stayed away from the mirrors. Friday was also Joshua Gray's birthday. He was in Birmingham with his Jeremy.

Saturday after working, I went to see Randy. It was one of the best feelings all weekend to be able to see and talk to him. Susan and Linda were there so it was sometimes hard to get a word in, but we were all there for him and just hearing his voice was enough for me. That night, Justin and I went out with Rey for his 22nd birthday. I decided I wasn't going to drink at all having done so the previous two nights. The Tin Lizzie was a relaxed and casual atmosphere. We ended up dropping Rey off at Hamburger Mary's and then headed home. In between working and seeing Randy I got the mail and something I had ordered on the internet arrived. It was a day late, but turns out since Tyler didn't see me anyway, the sentiment was not really lost on anyone.

My faithful lover and friend--the beach--filled my spirit on Sunday. It also put me in an introspective mood and I was able to knock a couple of poems out. Short, but still. I haven't done that in a while. It also opened my mind to the sadness I was feeling and why. Not just being shunned or having myself beat on myself, but really looking at the causes of these things that have nothing to do with anyone around me. I started a poem about that. It isn't quite finished. Everytime I start to write more it makes me cry and that's so draining. The nighttime was a night at The Silver Fox with Justin. I remember singing two songs sometime after many double vodka Red Bulls. Then we flashed to Denny's where I fell asleep. As he woke me and we were leaving I saw that I hadn't eaten even touched my pancakes and that made me sad as I was looking forward to them when they were ordered. Into the car and then my next memory was lying in my passenger seat. Alone. In my car. In front of the house. I knew immediately that Justin was unable to wake me up or get me out of the car so I was left there. (I know how I get)

Monday I stayed home from work. I was sorting through the many thoughts in my head from the weekend of fun and disappointment. I was thinking about personal responsibility and accepting the choices of one's actions. Not just things that I have done, but things I have watched my friends do; things I have watched loved ones choose. I'm guilty too, but I don't allow myself the luxury of guilt. I'm often just brash and arrogantly brush on to the next task, deed, distraction. In my solitude.... I allow myself the luxury of tears. I went to see Randy again. This time we had alone time to talk, catch up, look at pictures and watch videos on my laptop. His mom and nieces arrived with their grandma so I took the girls outside because their energy was filling up the room.

I'm up typing when I should be asleep. I'm working 14 hour days. It started today and will go through Friday.

I don't know that typing all this made me feel any better.
I don't know that it didn't.