Glimpsing Hours

8:30am
Drifting off in a daydream; the first for today. It was another long night, starting with Dream Dinners, moving into Friction and settling for food at Denny's. Finally a few side streets back to home and into bed for a little under two hours of sleep.

Monster energy drinks are my best friend right now. It keeps the yawns away. Yawn. (Ok, most of them)

So the daydream was of me getting to know someone new. Laughing, asking questions, being playful the way I can be when I'm giddy inside. It's something I haven't really done in a while for obvious reasons and hang-ups. Life can't stop because of heart beats and breathing doesn't cease for the beats that skip. (Or skip-out)

Friction was fun--to a point. A week ago when Justin & I were there, he remarked how sad most of the people looked there. I said it was because they were lonely and hoping to somehow meet someone. We tend to focus on the music and dancing and aren't usually swept up in that loneliness in a dance environment. That's not to say we don't notice guys we find attractive or that we can't sense people looking at us, but it's usually not our focus. For me, part of that is I'm not there to mingle. I'm there to enjoy my friends and try to experience the exhilaration of the music's vibrations bouncing off my body and forcing me to move to it's waves. Not too unlike being in the ocean performing the delicate dance with the waves; swaying with the currents.

Tributaries

I have never been what I do by day; by means of working. I am an artist soaking in the world around me so that I may better understand it and reflect that back. I am a mirror of the most beautiful and despicable.

And I'm still blinded by the light.

Settling Cemetery

A 26yr old straight man--who seemed more of an ancient soul in a boy's body to me--commented that I had beautiful eyes yesterday as the sun reflected in them on the beach. He later asked me if I felt like I was "settling" with what I'm doing in life for work. I'm still left with some sense that I am, but I've known that for some time now.

I'm sitting at my desk and trying to work. Memories of the weekend just keep flooding back and I find that I'm not making a sound and performing my unfocused staring; then I hear my breathing. I crack my neck, tilting my head side to side.

"What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life"

-"What If" by Coldplay

I'm Allowed My Sadness And Thrive in Sunlight

I saw Jorge at Friction last Thursday. He left soon after I arrived. It was a pleasant surprise seeing him ever so briefly. (I arrived late) I wasn't actually going to go. I was explaining the cons and consequences online to Jason when he mentioned that these things have never stopped me before. He was right. My grown up head was getting the better of me.

I was supposed to go to Tyler's 21st birthday party on Friday. At last mention, it was to be at The Abbey. Charles, Jeff and I drove up and had a couple drinks at Motherlode and then walked over to The Abbey. I had texted Ty earlier in the day but there was no response; no response to a voice mail. My child's head got the better of me and my adult head was there shaking his head with an "I told you so" expression. I stayed away from the mirrors. Friday was also Joshua Gray's birthday. He was in Birmingham with his Jeremy.

Saturday after working, I went to see Randy. It was one of the best feelings all weekend to be able to see and talk to him. Susan and Linda were there so it was sometimes hard to get a word in, but we were all there for him and just hearing his voice was enough for me. That night, Justin and I went out with Rey for his 22nd birthday. I decided I wasn't going to drink at all having done so the previous two nights. The Tin Lizzie was a relaxed and casual atmosphere. We ended up dropping Rey off at Hamburger Mary's and then headed home. In between working and seeing Randy I got the mail and something I had ordered on the internet arrived. It was a day late, but turns out since Tyler didn't see me anyway, the sentiment was not really lost on anyone.

My faithful lover and friend--the beach--filled my spirit on Sunday. It also put me in an introspective mood and I was able to knock a couple of poems out. Short, but still. I haven't done that in a while. It also opened my mind to the sadness I was feeling and why. Not just being shunned or having myself beat on myself, but really looking at the causes of these things that have nothing to do with anyone around me. I started a poem about that. It isn't quite finished. Everytime I start to write more it makes me cry and that's so draining. The nighttime was a night at The Silver Fox with Justin. I remember singing two songs sometime after many double vodka Red Bulls. Then we flashed to Denny's where I fell asleep. As he woke me and we were leaving I saw that I hadn't eaten even touched my pancakes and that made me sad as I was looking forward to them when they were ordered. Into the car and then my next memory was lying in my passenger seat. Alone. In my car. In front of the house. I knew immediately that Justin was unable to wake me up or get me out of the car so I was left there. (I know how I get)

Monday I stayed home from work. I was sorting through the many thoughts in my head from the weekend of fun and disappointment. I was thinking about personal responsibility and accepting the choices of one's actions. Not just things that I have done, but things I have watched my friends do; things I have watched loved ones choose. I'm guilty too, but I don't allow myself the luxury of guilt. I'm often just brash and arrogantly brush on to the next task, deed, distraction. In my solitude.... I allow myself the luxury of tears. I went to see Randy again. This time we had alone time to talk, catch up, look at pictures and watch videos on my laptop. His mom and nieces arrived with their grandma so I took the girls outside because their energy was filling up the room.

I'm up typing when I should be asleep. I'm working 14 hour days. It started today and will go through Friday.

I don't know that typing all this made me feel any better.
I don't know that it didn't.

When Fall Leaves

The hardest part of letting go, is knowing that it is in appearance only; still feeling the cyclone inside. Some may say that's not letting go at all. It's been one of those weekends where I was moving constantly and smiling. I had friends to share the moments. Randy was finally moved out of ICU and into rehabilitation. He can speak. The sea on Sunday was calm and strong and beautiful. The sun on the water's top blinded me for a moment.

There are many moons in the sky but only one sun.

There are many loves in my life, but only one....


When Fall leaves fade their colors
they still fall down the same way

Piercing Rails

I woke up very early because of a bad dream. Adrenaline.

Tortured child.

Helpless parent.

Running, running....running. Adrenaline.

Never fast enough.

This last Tuesday I was informed that I'm confusing expectations and hope. (Or at least letting them overlap) I'm still mulling that one over.

It's time to wake up soon. I'm going to sleep.

People Need Hugs

It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes I can listen to a sad song without blinking until tears flow over the bottom eye lashes and down to the cornes of my mouth. Then... the blink will send followers to trace the same path and eventually meet at my chin.

"I need you so much closer."
-Death Cab For Cutie

Mary Manic Monday

I walked to get fast food at lunch today. I called Charles when I left to do it. I was originally walking to my car and then I thought about the fact that I'm low on gas and funds until Friday and I could get some exercise in while saving money. Novel, eh? Well, turns out the closest fast food is Carl's Jr-----OH WAIT...gotta go to CARLJR.COM....

hahahah... ok... Now, to explain. Rey and I were at Carl's Jr while visiting Cardwell a week ago and they have this contest for Burger Slayers. You take a picture on a camera phone and send it in to them. Yes... go look at the pictures. It could be you. Imagine.

----back to my thought----and I walk into Carl's Jr. and it's packed with a line around into the dining area and out the back door. There was no way I was going to get my lunch and be able to walk back. Future thought.... Jamba Juice is a closer walk and better for me.

It was Justin and I under one umbrella yesterday at the beach. The under tow was much stronger than the weeks before. I like that. I like diving under just as the wave is about to crash down, feeling it's power was right over me and grabbing at my feet. I often turn around to face the shore as soon as I emerge so that I can watch the white water and see who made it and who did not. Depending on the beach I have to turn around to face the expanse because there may be another wave on its way. "Never take your eyes off the ocean." said the lifeguard one day. I laugh, but I know how frail I am compared to one curl of the wave's might.

I been feeling like I want to get pierced again.

A change up of the room means that my emotions are moving. Moving furniture has always been my way of expressing things I can't put to words. I'm hoping minimal words will be able to communicate my intentions.

Speakers imply.
Listeners infer.

Love Metaphors

He asks what about him makes me love him...
How do I answer that?
Love is so much more than picking out traits,
Placing value on personality characteristics and having an answer.

Love is a feeling
Shot in the air like a firework
Then dissipating down toward the earth
Until it is one with the air
Until it is your air.

When you meet someone who is that to you, there are feelings that go beyond these words.

Stumble Street

9:11pm

9-1-1. Emergency. Calling all cars. Call IN ALL cars. Call out. Call. Can you hear the calls? Can you hear yourself calling out?

Then why can't I hear myself? Or why won't I listen to myself?


I just reached to the right of me to put my hand on a mouse that's not there because I'm typing on my laptop. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles is playing. I'm waiting my turn for the shower. I'm going to dance. It's something that I love, but it's also something that easily distracts me from being in my own head.

Good thing right now.

Sarah called me out of the blue earlier. I wasn't in a mood to talk which made me feel bad but it was nice to hear her voice. Distance really is a relationship killer especially since I'm not a phone talker.

I hear reports of Randy's recovery. I've seen him. It's still very hard and I read so much of his pain and frustration through his eyes. It stays with me. It stays in me.

Many things stay in me.
I'm trying to make them happier things.
But at the moment it's a slight tilt in the other direction.
joy.
joy.
joy.

White Towel Quote

"I've given up too many times to quit now."
-jmp

Pape ERRR

Seeing the backseat of someone's car as I was walking back into the building from lunch, I now see with perfect clarity that I must rid my room of the piles of paper I have amassed over the years.

MVP's

Two more 21 year olds this month. If they're three years older than so am I. Their youth inspires me; their growth encouraging.



MARVELOUS
by The Lightning Seeds

Oh well you had to fit
But you're fit to drop
Open up the window and jump into the blue
Things could be marvellous
Things could be fabulous
You need a push
I'll push you off
Open up the window and jump into the blue
Things could be marvellous
Things could be fabulous
too
Oh, and these are the days
And this is the life
There'll always be something on your mind
You'll never quite find
Won't you ever make your mind up
Oh well you had to hit
'Til you hit the top
Open up the window and jump into the blue
Things could be marvellous
Things could be fabulous
too
Oh, and these are the days
And this is the life
There'll always be something on your mind
You'll never quite find
Won't you ever make your mind up
Now you'll never be sure
If this is the time
If this is the moment
The end of the line
You'll never decide
You used to know but now you've forgotten
You sit there and wait for the phone to ring
When are they going to call
Are they ever going to call you at all
And then oh!
Things could be marvellous
Things could be fabulous
too
Oh, and these are the days
And this is the life
There'll always be something on your mind
You'll never quite find
Won't you ever make your mind up
Now you'll never be sure
If this is the time
If this is the moment
The end of the line
You'll never decide
You used to know but now you've forgotten
A submarine got stuck to the bottom
These are the days so wake up
'Cos this is the time
And you know I'm right