Illegitimate Reasons

The role plays out. Each word spoken, every touch taken has a meaning to someone. The meaning is not always the same. Emotions are the sprites and goblins of an otherwise masterly planned human body.

I never intend to inflict pain by sharing. A day at the beach with friends shares time and laughter. A night sharing with a stranger leaves them wanting more than is realistic to give. Sometimes, regardless of the way I share, I feel a piece of me is gone; out of place. I should be so lucky to have stem cells for replacements.

I spent time with Randy last Sunday. I have spent time with Nathan both last weekend and this weekend. I see all three of us fighting for our lives in one way of another and the frustration level is just another layer of shit to wade through.

Never let sadness steer you or think happiness is the only map worth following.

Thinking & Walking

I feel the need to sit down with myself soon.
So why not now?
Because I'm walking away from the mirror.
It's so bright
and the squinting causes headaches.

But sometime very soon.
Sit.
Think.

uh...

I haven't heard Big Kitty's meow in a long time.

I registered at IVC today. (Now what class will I pick?)

I wrote a haiku.

Empty Sleep

I feel like writing something before I go to bed, but it feels like sadness spilling out so that I don't have to sleep with it.

I can't sleep with him.

Tidals

I'm finding myself daydreaming quite a bit yesterday and today. I sit here and stare out the office window through mini-blinds that are drawn down but twisted open. (That sounds like a way to describe one's soul...."drawn down and twisted open"...not a pretty feeling.) The John Wayne airplanes fly out; their noise just a normal sound of my daily encounters, like the car alarm or my office mate's radio and the keyboard as I type on it.

Swirling thoughts I'm having. I know it's because of the meds. I'm almost a month on Serzone and two days into Wellbutrin again. I'm expecting a week of adjustment. I spent time with Bobby on Tuesday. I picture him working at Olive Garden and me going in to eat there with some friends. This reminds me of going to Olive Garden in Brea when Randy was serving there.

I wish it were lunch already. Food.

Whaling Wailing Wiggerz

"Lola Beavers"... kind of sounds like a porn name.... but it's a real person in the State of California Department of Industrial Relations.

From my office window I can see that the Orange County Fair's ferris wheel is being taken down. Another year of a fair I have not been to.

"Nivvy" says the world is ending, but I don't hear the ominous space ship music coming from the sun roof of Infinity. If the sky is falling, maybe we're just descending at the same rate and we won't realize until the impact. (hahahaha... Nivvy is such a term that "Jaime" would coin.)

Cuba Chameleon

Are you a "Raulista" or a "Fidelista?"