I sense so much pain around me lately. Friends. I've been so numb on meds that in a way I've felt almost bothered. How can I empathize when my own body is being blocked from feelings that ebb and flow in a way that is natural for me? I can't. Instead, I'm short on the phone when I even bother to be on it. I'm hurrying people along in their speech. I'm curt and possibly even dismissive without being a friend. I don't like when I'm like this, so off meds again. Six days off. Enough time for the half lives of half lives to be out of my system, but no where near time for things to be "regular." Part of the reason I'm still awake now is the screwing of sleep cycles getting rid of Remeron. I think acknowledging their pain means acknowledging my own.
With some people I feel that the words I have to help them might cause more pain. I don't want that. Of the few fears that I can consciously count, causing someone pain tops that list. It's so easy to do. I think I'm so aware because of how sensitive I am to being hurt. My physical pain threshold being quite high, I've often had to answer people who want to know if the piercings I've had hurt with, "How well do you handle pain?" My emotional pain threshold is so low it may as well not exist. This is my human condition. This is my daily walk. To understand this keys me into others. My friends. Life.
So... whether the soul is in Temecula or Las Vegas or here in Southern California; whether it floats somewhere out in the stars or trandscends through moon beams back into the ocean to rest at our feet; whether that soul is in Florida or the Midwest or parts of Oregon; whether that soul is a strand in a memory that fires between synapses in my head; whether that soul has a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or exists solitary and single... I wrap my arms around for a long and simple hug that wraps back on me. There are these moments when I literally shake to feel this.How can I begin to sleep now?
