I breathe to See

There's this whole monologue in The Matrix: Reloaded where the Merovingian talks about cause & effect. I think of this now because if Eddy didn't leave to go into Navy bootcamp, we would not have been at out FUBAR on Saturday. Chance meetings. Crossing paths. Energies of the universe that joined briefly.

The weekend was full of friendship. I spent time with Jeff and Sebastian. I'd like to do that more often. (And I'd like to remember more of the evenings out) Klonopin & alcohol do not mix well with my memory.

I was on the phone a lot tonight and it didn't bother me. I'm feeling very "in tune" with the goings on around me. Nick had a note on MySpace that he needed a hug so I logged on just to send him one via IM. Mark W. and I got to speak tonight and I'm going to make an effort to see him tomorrow. My sister and her boyfriend will be visiting toward the end of March.

Goodbye January, hello Curious George.

The Thoughts Before After

It is he with the knowledge and experience that is responsible for the ones who would venture to learn it.

Last night before bed, the first Randy of my life caught me online and had a brief chat. This is not Cardwell, or the most recent ex, but Randy Avery from back when I was 19. It seems I have left a trail of ex's who see the beauty I've seen in them at the time that I've been with them. It puts a smile on my face to know that they have come to know that which I saw. It is always painful at the time to break away from someone that I know does not understand why I do it. What I hope for is that understanding will come in time. I brace myself for the process because I feel it so deeply that I am a raw nerve exposed to the tortures of an angry sadist.

Sometimes people stick in jobs because there is a hope or a false promise that they will get that raise, that promotion, that "something." Perhaps they are efficient and produce for the company, but the brass may know they are not going to be advanced. To string someone along like this is not fair. It is even cruel; to do this thing with someone's emotions.

I can be honest all I want, it does not necessarily bridge the gap of understanding for those around me to truly know where they stand with me. Most never ask the question, because the finite words of my truth may not match with the painted picture of their beliefs.

Eddy says he wants to start seriously dating someone when he gets back from his Navy training.

Nathan is coming into town tomorrow night and then leaving the next. I've been waiting to hear his story all week. It's been something to look forward to.

I worry about Cardwell. I know how similarly we hide our pain. I can't press him, he can't press me. We do a little dance that keeps us in check. I need that, or at least I want it.

"Time Is On My Side"
-Rolling Stones

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is.

Prego Ole

I dreamed of being pregnant. There were also two parties going on the same street. I want to say that the street was Tovar Way in Chino Hills. The house higher up on the street had more people. There seemed to be more chatter. Different reasons for people being there. David Robert was in the house lower on the street. Humberto was in the kitchen with me at some point and wanted me to make him a mixed drink. I started doing so but as I was making it I was thinking that this drink wasn't going to taste good. (Perhaps it's when I added the jam in the mix and then he added milk.) I don't think I ever drank it; the baby and all. This dream was happening probably more between consciousness. It's almost 8am and I'm so used to being up by now. I've been tossing in bed the last couple hours.

The tossing is also because I'm used to sleeping alone. The night before last I slept on my neck odd and it's been hurting ever since so it was hard to try and sleep in the same positions last night again with Jorge. Everytime I'd go to lay on my left side and put my arm around him my neck would start to hurt. The only positions that seemed to work were on my right side and flat on my back.

I want some more

I wanted to do many things today, or at least many things have passed through my mind that seemed like they would be enjoyable to do. What are these things? Hell if I know. Writing in the journal here WAS one of the things. The other things just seemed like different thoughts, or maybe thoughts that I've never really spent more than a blink looking at. That they would remain for mere seconds longer is more than I usually get, like that glance of the person who drives by in their car on the freeway.

Quotes:
"capitalism has no long term solution for the saving of souls that are fed by constantly wanting more."

"I'm an infant among the old souls, but an old soul nonetheless..."

How do you respond to someone telling your that their experience of sex with you was the most pleasurable they've ever had? I walked around in the sunlight and thought that I was staggering, but I think that was just the feeling inside. I was drunk with the memory.

Pizza. I want some.

Avalon

I saw Manuel, my intellectual mate from school. I saw Jonathan, my roommate from almost ten years ago. I saw Eldon, the boy from Bobby's neck of the woods. I saw Phil B. I saw Casey, the 17 year old from The OC Center back in 1994 who has grown up and is a DJ. I see his name in ads all over.

I saw these things at Avalon. I danced for hours. I am tired. I should sleep. I am typing simple sentences. I I I I I.....

I need to be in love soon.
(As if there was a formula)

Am I LIVing or am I just ALIVE?

It's not often that I do the whole online quiz thing, but according to www.findyourspot.com these are the top 24 locations I would most like to live based upon my answers:

1. Portland, OR
2. Long Beach, CA
3. Little Rock, AR
4. San Diego, CA
5. Eugene, OR
6. Honolulu, HI
7. Orange County, CA
8. Corvallis, OR
9. Oakland, CA
10. Baltimore, MD
11. Salem, OR
12. Las Vegas, NV
13. Los Angeles, CA
14. Santa Monica, CA
15. Las Cruces, NM
16. Washington D.C.
17. Medford, OR
18. Alexandria, LA
19. San Clemente, CA
20. Vista, CA
21. Monroe, LA
22. Shreveport-Bossier City, LA
23. New Haven, CT
24. Providence, RI

From the list, it looks like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. At least I feel that way most days. Strange how many Oregon cities came up...... hahahaha

Varsity

Having a Letterman's Jacket in high school may seem--or even be--important, but what value does it have ten, twenty years later? It's a good memory. It's history. Perhaps it's a sad memory for someone who's prime was in high school, wearing that jacket.

The ritual of giving one's clothing for another to wear happens regardless of age. You can smell the person when you wear their coat, shirt, scarf. It's security. It's romantic.

I would like nothing more right now than to have the scent of fast food filling my nostrils. Mmmm.. . bad food and late at night. Something tells me I'm not sleeping. I'm just not tired, but the mind tries to force it; thoughts of work and the day dragging. Maybe it won't.

Mmmmm BOP

I can't seem to finish watching the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica. I slept through it on Friday. The re-show at 1am I would watch and then type and then watch. It's on tonight again and I'm doing the same thing... typing, chatting...watching. Maybe I'll piece it all together. It's not that I don't know what's going on, I just wish the show paced better so that I didn't lose interest so easily.

I'm thinking about my dental appointment in a couple weeks, my trip to Las Vegas this weekend (and the lack of money and how I'm going to make this trip happen), porn that's downloading (will it be any good?), this guy on the show that has really hot arms, the pile of white clothes that I haven't washed yet, should I be living here? I'm pretty sure the punctuation just sucked right now. When I reflect and write to myself, I often wonder how I will perceive what I say later on.

Taxes. Grrrrr. I have no idea where I stand yet, so I'll just sit.

Plans to see Underworld Evolutions with Jorge when it comes out. Eddy mind is weighing heavy with the thoughts of leaving for basic training. Randy's voice is going out again. Mark is still with Darren. Cooked myself rice tonight. If only I had a packet of hot sauce from Del Taco, I could've had Spanish rice.

Naked with Socks

One of the projects I would like to complete this year is getting all of my old journals either scanned or transcribed up here. The whole process is going to take a while. My legacy? No, just a roadmap.

I completed putting up some poetry. I added the link on the sidebar to the right. I forget how sometime my words remind me of the emotions that formed them.

I love Cartoon Network Adult Swim on Sunday nights.

Today's brunch at Hamburger Mary's in Newport Beach filled me laughter. I met Martin's mother. There were so many people at our table. People that I've talked with since the brunch have all been asking me how the food was. Is this just one of those questions that people ask to make conversation or do they really want to know? It's hard question for me to answer because I'm not picky when it comes to food. I'm hungry. I eat. I'm sure it wasn't the best food, but my focus was on the people. That, and the entertainment provided by Rudy de la Mor. That man always makes me laugh. Some of us there recounted how our first time seeing him was when we were 18 at Ozz. History now.

I want to be bad and stay up all night.
I won't.

Sci Fi Dreaming

I slept through hosting my own invitation. Smooth move. Got home from work yesterday totally exhausted and collapsed on my bed with the closet light on, the TV on and my computer on. I woke up at 1:15am. I had a screen full of IM's. The TV was on a chanel that starts showing "ARTS" music and videos when the station is done with programming. That feeling of sleeping the day away when you wake up in the afternoon on a Saturday came over me. Wasted. What's more I didn't get to see whatever friends actually made it over. I'm guessing Joe & Ken. I'll find out today.

Bag 'O Chips & The Battery

What did the bag of chips say to the battery?

I'm Frito Lay if you're Eveready. ;-)

I'm embarking on another lap around the meds. As the trip begins, fasten your seatbelts because the insomnia is about to put me to sleep. Huh? (Think about it) A couple weeks of adjustment and the brain chemicals will be finely tuned. (Or just well lubed so that the grainy grind of daily nonsense slips by without notice.)

Later tonight it's Sci-Fi Friday's season premier time. It's a small joy that puts a smile on my face even now. A nice lull from a strand of Friday Nights out in the anonymous crowds. Maybe some friends will stop by to watch.

Remember Jiffy Pop?

At What Cost?

At what cost? We keep our mouths closed when we want to say things because the cost-benefit analysis tells us that some things need not be said; that the mere uttering of extra words will cause the cost of those words to be unfathomable. But we do open our mouths sometimes. We do speak our minds. Because the cost of keeping something inside often turns into a stress that the heart feels heavy; the breath can notice under a tightened chest. Pounding headache. At what cost is friendship no longer friendship?

In the past, what have been the reasons for casting off friends? People say that they, "Grow apart." It happens. Seeking different experiences and wanting different things can strain the best of friends. Personalities. I'm ever so mellow on one day and wound as tightly as possible with expectations on another. How then, is anyone supposed to know how to be friends with me? And is there really a "how-to-be" a friend primer somewhere? I probably approach each of my friends the same way, but I obviously react differently to their different ways. I become closer to some people than others. Some can be trusted more than others. Some are worth more? Worth Less? How cold to put a worth to a person, but how true to life in our judgments. There are definitely people that we would drive the extra mile for over others. It may not be a simple value equation, but it exists.

So here I am at the bank. What am I cashing in?