The Thoughts Before After

It is he with the knowledge and experience that is responsible for the ones who would venture to learn it.

Last night before bed, the first Randy of my life caught me online and had a brief chat. This is not Cardwell, or the most recent ex, but Randy Avery from back when I was 19. It seems I have left a trail of ex's who see the beauty I've seen in them at the time that I've been with them. It puts a smile on my face to know that they have come to know that which I saw. It is always painful at the time to break away from someone that I know does not understand why I do it. What I hope for is that understanding will come in time. I brace myself for the process because I feel it so deeply that I am a raw nerve exposed to the tortures of an angry sadist.

Sometimes people stick in jobs because there is a hope or a false promise that they will get that raise, that promotion, that "something." Perhaps they are efficient and produce for the company, but the brass may know they are not going to be advanced. To string someone along like this is not fair. It is even cruel; to do this thing with someone's emotions.

I can be honest all I want, it does not necessarily bridge the gap of understanding for those around me to truly know where they stand with me. Most never ask the question, because the finite words of my truth may not match with the painted picture of their beliefs.

Eddy says he wants to start seriously dating someone when he gets back from his Navy training.

Nathan is coming into town tomorrow night and then leaving the next. I've been waiting to hear his story all week. It's been something to look forward to.

I worry about Cardwell. I know how similarly we hide our pain. I can't press him, he can't press me. We do a little dance that keeps us in check. I need that, or at least I want it.

"Time Is On My Side"
-Rolling Stones

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is.