Believing in Change

I went out in public today with crazy, wild, "I'm an artist" hair today. Hair everywhere. It's how I feel inside this week.

I'm spending money. That can't be a good. So what's up? Grandpa still in my head but there's nothing I can do. Too many boys and guys in the playing field. I'm starting to think that sitting on the sideline is a better position to be in. These meds starting up again are increasing dream activity. Have had a dream every night this week. Searching for something in the dreams seems to be a common theme, haha, no surprise. Going back to work raises an anxiety of trapping myself again. Driving a rental car sparks so much desire to have a car again; this adding another expense to my life that means having to generate an income to support this. Stress. Close friends going through their own tribulations but all I can do is listen. Where do I want to live? I feel all these things flowing inside and so far no release. Action must be taken but it's so much easier to find distractions.

There is this idea of love that I've kept as part of me at all times. It's a part of me that I can sense the capacity in others right away; this, not to be confused with infatuation or lust. Certain people have the ability to return love how I want and need it and others do not. It's not that others may not love, for indeed they do, however it's in a way that may be less verbal and communicated poorly. It may not be said at all, but the actions may speak for the person. The idea for me is simple enough. It's a love where I am stripped of any cloak & dagger deceptions or walls and yet I feel completely safe in the presence of another. It's where someone falls asleep cuddling and then wakes up during the night because positions have changes and the touch is missing. If that's missing in someone when I meet them, I should just walk away.

I'm listening to Ferry Corsten's new Passport CD series: Kingdom of the Netherlands. It's causing me to drift off to sleep now and again in between typing, so enough typing for now.