Stones, Marbles and Concrete

So I'm back in a boat that I've circled the world in before. There's water all around me, but my eyes are dry and meds make me the Johnson & Johnson adult version of the baby with "no more tears." I smile and laugh and people say that they see that change, but it's only on the outside and the boat hasn't changed.

"She said insanity will set you free but lock you up inside your mind."
-Cause & Effect's song "She Said"

It's almost Thursday. I'd give almost anything to fall on the ground laughing right now; tears streaming down my face in disbelief. (Like the day with Randy on the drive home from Las Vegas.) Motivation? I find myself seeking to fix things, clean things, put order to things. I'm fearful that I'm just going to end up in another cycle around the world. I'm going to get another job, I'm going to get another car to put me into a debt to pay it off and I'm going to keep this job to pay for these things that I have. Why? I find no happiness in this and I can find no reason that appeals to my emotions a to why it must be done. (Why the millions of Americans do it each day.) I know some have a faith to steer them, some are just purely greedy, some are ambitious and altruistic, some don't even ask the question of themselves and some are in this boat with me.

There's this tenderness in me.

I can feel my soul crying and as I put my head down on my mattress in the hope that gravity will pull a tear out, I just feel that medication bringing me back to center.....(pause)
...I just spent the last 30minutes on a tangent. Started computing finances, organizing paperwork, returning an e-mail to a girl that I used to go to community college with. I become easily focused on these tasks I've noticed since the meds started...almost as if they stop me from allowing myself to be consumed by my grief. That's good and bad. The bottle has to blow sometime.

So what's good?... I'm drinking lots of water and trying to avoid soda. Yay! An active sex life. Yay! (distractions) I'm almost completely done cleaning my closet. Yay! I have my family and friends--the only real assets that I care about. I wish they could quell what's inside of me, but they're powerless to do so and that makes them sad. (scared) There's air to breathe and TV to watch. Yay! I'm really fishing now....