In The Presence of Others

I'm finding I less and less tolerance being around loud people or big groups. I listen to their conversations and they do not interest me. I can't even feign interest. So I walk away or find some busywork to keep me active but around them. One part of me understands them so well, the other part of me is still disconnected and unlikely to change. I can still get excited about things, events, certain people.....perhaps this is just a part of getting older.

Or maybe today is just a crash day. When I woke up on Friday morning at 9:30am, I didn't go to sleep again until about 2am this morning. I slept until 11:30am. I woke up feeling fine but something just changed being around the people who had spent the night. They went right to drinking again, and drinking, and drinking. The noise level of voices, shrill voices, laughing (cackling). It wasn't long before a headache came on. So I've been withdrawn today.

Went to the movies by myself and saw Elektra. It was ok. Left open for some type of sequel if the box office numbers do well. I'm back at Randy's house now. Rey & Eddy are still here, the last of the party crew. Even though I like them all, I find that I have nothing to say to them. When I go downstairs and sit, I'm just observing them as though I'm not really there. These meds are almost at 14 days and I don't really notice a difference. I tell others to let me know if they do. I still feel no motivation to do anything. I am looking for solace in physical itimacies, nothing sexual, just affection. The touch of someone I'm interested in brings my spirits up--always has in a way that family and friends can never achieve. I think it's that implied knowledge of safety with someone on a level to know the sensitive part of me. In those moments my guard is down and I'm not using all this energy just to smile because it's naturally occurring. Tyler was supposed to come to the housewarming party last night but never showed. I was really looking forward to seeing him. Maybe that has effected my mood today. No phone call or communication that he couldn't make it. I hope he's ok and didn't get into an accident or hurt somehow, but other than that thought I think, "How typical for someone who's only 19."

Could days left to drive. Eh. I'm not bothered by the thought because I went 4months last year without driving. What I would like is for the insurance company to let me know whether my car is a total loss or if they're fixing it. Finances.... hate this shit.

So what to do with the rest of the night? It's 7:30pm now. Maybe some TV?