Stones, Marbles and Concrete

So I'm back in a boat that I've circled the world in before. There's water all around me, but my eyes are dry and meds make me the Johnson & Johnson adult version of the baby with "no more tears." I smile and laugh and people say that they see that change, but it's only on the outside and the boat hasn't changed.

"She said insanity will set you free but lock you up inside your mind."
-Cause & Effect's song "She Said"

It's almost Thursday. I'd give almost anything to fall on the ground laughing right now; tears streaming down my face in disbelief. (Like the day with Randy on the drive home from Las Vegas.) Motivation? I find myself seeking to fix things, clean things, put order to things. I'm fearful that I'm just going to end up in another cycle around the world. I'm going to get another job, I'm going to get another car to put me into a debt to pay it off and I'm going to keep this job to pay for these things that I have. Why? I find no happiness in this and I can find no reason that appeals to my emotions a to why it must be done. (Why the millions of Americans do it each day.) I know some have a faith to steer them, some are just purely greedy, some are ambitious and altruistic, some don't even ask the question of themselves and some are in this boat with me.

There's this tenderness in me.

I can feel my soul crying and as I put my head down on my mattress in the hope that gravity will pull a tear out, I just feel that medication bringing me back to center.....(pause)
...I just spent the last 30minutes on a tangent. Started computing finances, organizing paperwork, returning an e-mail to a girl that I used to go to community college with. I become easily focused on these tasks I've noticed since the meds started...almost as if they stop me from allowing myself to be consumed by my grief. That's good and bad. The bottle has to blow sometime.

So what's good?... I'm drinking lots of water and trying to avoid soda. Yay! An active sex life. Yay! (distractions) I'm almost completely done cleaning my closet. Yay! I have my family and friends--the only real assets that I care about. I wish they could quell what's inside of me, but they're powerless to do so and that makes them sad. (scared) There's air to breathe and TV to watch. Yay! I'm really fishing now....

In The Presence of Others

I'm finding I less and less tolerance being around loud people or big groups. I listen to their conversations and they do not interest me. I can't even feign interest. So I walk away or find some busywork to keep me active but around them. One part of me understands them so well, the other part of me is still disconnected and unlikely to change. I can still get excited about things, events, certain people.....perhaps this is just a part of getting older.

Or maybe today is just a crash day. When I woke up on Friday morning at 9:30am, I didn't go to sleep again until about 2am this morning. I slept until 11:30am. I woke up feeling fine but something just changed being around the people who had spent the night. They went right to drinking again, and drinking, and drinking. The noise level of voices, shrill voices, laughing (cackling). It wasn't long before a headache came on. So I've been withdrawn today.

Went to the movies by myself and saw Elektra. It was ok. Left open for some type of sequel if the box office numbers do well. I'm back at Randy's house now. Rey & Eddy are still here, the last of the party crew. Even though I like them all, I find that I have nothing to say to them. When I go downstairs and sit, I'm just observing them as though I'm not really there. These meds are almost at 14 days and I don't really notice a difference. I tell others to let me know if they do. I still feel no motivation to do anything. I am looking for solace in physical itimacies, nothing sexual, just affection. The touch of someone I'm interested in brings my spirits up--always has in a way that family and friends can never achieve. I think it's that implied knowledge of safety with someone on a level to know the sensitive part of me. In those moments my guard is down and I'm not using all this energy just to smile because it's naturally occurring. Tyler was supposed to come to the housewarming party last night but never showed. I was really looking forward to seeing him. Maybe that has effected my mood today. No phone call or communication that he couldn't make it. I hope he's ok and didn't get into an accident or hurt somehow, but other than that thought I think, "How typical for someone who's only 19."

Could days left to drive. Eh. I'm not bothered by the thought because I went 4months last year without driving. What I would like is for the insurance company to let me know whether my car is a total loss or if they're fixing it. Finances.... hate this shit.

So what to do with the rest of the night? It's 7:30pm now. Maybe some TV?

What's Money Worth?

I was having a conversation with someone about someone and someone's grandmother. Not all there, losing it. I remember great-grandma getting to the same way, she was put into a home, but I don't ever remember anyone in our family thinking of her as a burden. When she passed, there was money--that I knew nothing about--that was distributed to the grandchildren. I used it to take a trip to New Orleans. It was an experience that I'll never forget and one I never would have had without the money that was left to me.

But I would have gladly not have gone to New Orleans if she were still here.

Afterwards...

Like I can put anything into words. There has been an intense wave of anger at the failure. There is an annoyance at everyone's good intentions, but I understand where they are coming from and have been trying to accept it as best I can. I cry when I try to talk about anything of detail so I keep myself busy with organizing people's CD collections and media libraries on computers. I've started three different kinds of medication as of five days ago so I'm not expected to feel anything different yet...... feel different. Feel. Feel so much. There's no guilt.